Do you ever get that feeling that you are so alone that you can hear damn well your heartbeat?
Do you ever feel that the world has designated a special nook for you that no one can see or notice?
Do you ever think that you’re cursed with inevitable unfortunate things to last a lifetime?
Do you conclude that no one can and never will understand how you really feel inside?
Do you tend to rationalize that every occurrence in your life is a matter and cause and effect?
Do you flourish and wallow at the same time in any emotion that you seem fit for the day?
I did for a whole week. I was the ultimate Drama Queen.
It started with a sneeze after I watched a Mets game last Tuesday. The night was chilly and my eyes started to itch uncontrollably. The bus ride was not helpful and it was only a matter of seconds that I began feeling dizzy. I told my friend and he told to me relax and to look straight ahead. Sneezing and vertigo is an unpleasant combination. I thought of reasons for my condition. Perhaps it is anemia, a flu or pneumonia? I started the drama of assuming the worst. Well, this was my drama so I was going to add some flair.
The next day as determined by my self-fulfilling prophecy, I was sick to my stomach. My body would go into episodic fevers then go numb again. I noticed I was not feeling hungry at all and I was not able to finish my bowl of cereal. Thoughts plagued me incessantly. That gnawing feeling of being alone in the universe caught up with me and before I knew it, my drama was in its full premiere. I lay on my bed thinking the what ifs and maybes coupled with “Oh I should have not done that in high school or I should have eaten more of that instead of Pringles?” My cheeks were hot and my right side was bloated. Instinct tells me to call my siblings who are nurses. My cowardice stopped me and the thought of being poked with needles in a hospital bed scared the chicken poop out of me. Instead I called my friend, well just to complain to him. He told me the usual “Take it easy, relax and eat well.” If it were one of those normal days, I would just agree and take a green pill. However, my drama was unfolding and my paranoid thoughts were adding to its HD quality.
Headaches, fevers, a runny nose and a ton of worrying plagued the rest of the week. I was looking at my bank account and seeing the not so blingified figure, I purchased another truckload of unnecessary aches. Everything around me is painful and it was my entire fault. There was nothing I can but retreat in my corner and swim in the bevy of my undoing. No one understands me and I refused to exert effort to try to make them. I resigned to the conclusion that no one cares or bothers to remember me. The world is co cruel as I repeated to myself while arranging my pillows to cushion my heavy head.
My brother called me to check up why I have not been bothering him for the past days. I said I was sick and dying. He laughed like a hyena and told me to get real or at least, be crazy again. I scoffed at him for being insensitive and he reminded me of mother’s day. Here I was so sick and my brother orders me to buy cards for our mom and other relatives who used their egg cells to continue or gene pool. I bought the cards nevertheless and cried while writing on them. Being a Drama Queen helps especially when you want to write something mushy on a card. I still have to mail them out.
To make matters worse, I was experiencing a mood swing aka writer’s block. I attempted numerous times to at least post something on my website but my pessimism bit my ass big time. I resolved that it would pass and just wasted my time watching cat videos on youtube. I knew I had to write something but my persistent affliction of being a Drama Queen prevailed. I was my own loser.
Until last night, I felt like the person who is always last in line. My friend came over and urged to me watch a Star Trek Movie Marathon. I was still feeling un- Spock like but when I finished The Wrath of Khan, I felt alive again. Oh to breathe again! I am ready to bring down the entire Klingon army.
So what did my experience of being a Drama Queen teach? Not much but I got to realize that I am not as bad as I think I am, my situation is still alright and there are people who would love me no matter what. … the usual me or with the occasional Drama Queen spikes.