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SEX & HEALTH: SEX IN THE CITY

AUG 2007 Sex & Health Sex in the City

-.-When Your Boyfriend “Thinks” He’s Over His Ex

When Your Boyfriend “Thinks” He’s Over His Ex

"I've just been too lazy to take it down," was his excuse.

For months now she has been staring blatantly at you in the face almost mockingly thinking, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm up here and you're not!" She had the perfect faux tan and long black hair. Her eye makeup was overly done which you could only find on porn stars. She had an athletic build and his arm around her.  It was obvious who she was in that picture frame- the ex-girlfriend.

The first time I saw it I had my suspicions but didn’t say anything. I decided to bite my tongue and wait. Weeks later it was still hanging up on his wall, taunting me. Who is this girl that he felt was significant enough to be framed on his wall? Really, I’m not all that jealous.

That’s a lie. I actually am.

“Who’s the girl in the picture?” I unashamedly asked.

“That’s just my ex-girlfriend” he responded oh so nonchalantly.

Ya, that’s what I thought.

It's been a year and a half since the break up. You would think by now the picture would have come down already. The only thing worse than an ex girlfriend is an ex girlfriend who is still in the picture- literally. Who would want to be constantly reminded of a failed relationship? I’ll tell you- a masochist that's who. Or if you're a hopeless romantic, like I'm not, it could be possible that he’s still hung up on her.

So your boyfriend "thinks" he's over his ex-girlfriend yet you're not quite convinced, especially with the accumulating evidence that you keep finding. It starts with the random pictures hidden in the drawer that you accidentally find or an email you stumble upon. You come across really unusual things that you know just shouldn't belong there such as her class schedule, a journal that she kept for him, old cards, or love notes. There are even some of her clothes hidden in the back of his drawer. It's one thing to keep memorabilia stashed away in a box up in your closet, under your bed, or even buried somewhere in your back yard. It's another thing to have it lying around your apartment where it's visible for your current girlfriend to see. To make matters worse "the ex" is still calling on a weekly basis. What's more disturbing is that he’s still taking her phone calls. What’s even weirder is that all he does is talk about how much he hates talking to her. It doesn’t make sense.

“If you don’t want to talk to her then why do you insist on picking up her calls? It just gives her another reason to call and for you to pick up. You’re just provoking her,” I argued.

“Because we’re friends and if I don’t pick up she’ll continue to call until I do,” he responded.

Or so he says.

“So don’t pick up.” It’s that simple.

It’s easy to pull the "we're just good friends" card. Surely, there's still a spark that burns between them but they broke up for a good reason. So why is she still hanging around like yesterday's garbage? Bitter. Maybe. On the one hand, she's still got her claws into him, and is smugly letting you know that they have a history together. Meanwhile, there he is in the middle, getting his ego massaged on both sides.

I would argue understandably that his behavior might be some cause for concern. Who wouldn’t feel slightly awkward if their significant other talked to their ex regularly? Most guys cut friendships with their exes down to a casual acquaintance or to none at all. They may catch up from time to time and keep in touch. They do not, however, spend most of their time away from their girlfriend with their ex. In his situation he dumped her because it wasn't working out between them. For all we know it could have been due to an excruciating long distance relationship, bad living situations, an abnormal growth of body hair, or an unwanted distinct odor. It's not because he stopped loving her.

Let's face it. Women have enough insecurities of their own without having to compete with the ex girlfriend. No one wants to seem like the jealous, possessive type. Though some of us can hide it better than others. It's difficult to be the mature girlfriend and pretend that everything is peachy keen when your boyfriend wants to keep in touch with his ex. So what's your next alternative? Simple. Confront the bitch and tell her to back off by leaving her threatening messages on MySpace. Not exactly the best approach but certainly the most effective. Then again you can always get over it and accept his past.

Remember, though they may appear close, she is his ex-girlfriend for a reason. Something went wrong. Yes, she has everything you don't except for one thing, the man in question.

Months later we find ourselves in our usual Sunday routine- sitting on the couch watching really bad movies that I so happen to enjoy. I look up and there she is. Still perfectly framed on his wall. Untouched.

“Her picture is still up on your wall,” I said without refraining from the TV.

“Would you like me to take it down?” he asked as his eyes were glued to the TV as well.

“No. Don’t do it on my account. You can keep it up there if you please. Who am I to tell you who to put up on your wall (your girlfriend, that’s who)?” I respond sarcastically. As much as I wanted him to take it down, I really had no right to tell him what to do. It’s too soon to come off as the insanely, green-eyed girlfriend.

He gets up from the couch and approaches the picture frame. “How about this? I won’t do it for you. I won’t do it for me. I’ll do it for us.”

And down she went.

Elysia Bandong is 23 years old and resides on the Upper East Side. She's easily seduced by sushi and lip gloss of all assortments. Her passions are all things Buffy the Vampire Slayer, step aerobics, astrology, and boys with blazers. She'll peak your curiousity about sex, love and relationships for the those who are fixated on the issues as much as she is.