When your male “friend” wants to be more than friends

So when my 40 year old male friend said he had an extra ticket to a Friday night concert, I figured why not? I’ve been busting my butt lately, the recession is making the office a downer and I did not have a night out the entire week. I didn’t bother to ask why he had an extra ticket the night of the performance but my guess was 1) the person he originally asked bailed or 2) he bought them after I said yes.

I hadn’t talked to this male friend in about 5 years. After our recent night out, I now remember why.

First, he shows up to the venue busting out of his shirt. He must have gained 50 pounds. I’m not trying to act as though looks are everything but if you are going to act ungentlemanly and desperate the rest of the night, you best be smoking. Unfortunately for him, that was not happening. He insisted it was a $500 outfit. Still, money doesn’t buy you taste or class as you shall soon see.

Of course he needed to eat before the concert. I was not hungry at all but like a good “date”, I sat with him while he plowed his face. I did have an appetizer and one martini.

Our conversation went something like this.

He: so I was plowing this girl?
Me: Hmmm, yeah ok?
He: and she said I had a big dick.
Me: oh really why what did she say, “Oh you have a big dick”?
He: She said, “Now I know why girls don’t like you, because you’re a dick.”
Me: yeah ok. (Delusional)
He: So you plowing anyone or what?
Me: (to myself – what am I doing?) None of your business.

When the bill came, fat lard says, “Thanks sugar mama”. Like excuse me? I don’t think so. What man or guy would do that? You’re out sitting with a hot girl and you expect her to pick up the check? Why? Because you bought the concert tickets of which I have no idea who we’re seeing. So foul! So I threw him a $20 to pay for mine. He says, “Actually you owe five more dollars”!!! Do you believe the nerve? No wonder he is 40 and single!

At that point, I almost just called one of my friends and met her out but I didn’t want to be completely mean. After all, he is a pathetic creature.

As we proceed to the venue, I see people looking at him, questioning to themselves, what the hell is this dude wearing? A tight button busting shirt, tight blue almost stonewashed jeans and pointed shoes. Oh just a little tip – cowboy boots are so 80’s.

I pity bought him and I a round of drinks. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m taking advantage or expecting anything at the end of the night. That was the last drink I bought the entire night. He proceeded to buy me drink after drink the rest of the night, obviously in the hopes of getting me loaded and him laid. Not even my thickest pair of beer goggles would succumb. I gag as I write this! Not too cheap to be buying me drinks in the hopes of getting me beyond obliterated where you can take advantage of me, Hun fat lard?

I guess because he paid for the tickets he thought he deserved some change…FAT CHANCE! He should have settled on feeling good that a hot girl was hanging out with him that night.

After 1 ½ hr of ok music (don’t even ask me the name of the band) and definitely feeling tipsy, I decided to leave. He follows me out the door like a pathetic loser and begs to go to the bar next door, for just one more drink. I obliged. Don’t ask me why.

My advice to girls: Don’t drink too much! It doesn’t matter how much alcohol a guy tries to pour down your throat. Stay in control. At his point, it’s about 1am. We’re at this bar and some gross mofo comes out of nowhere and says, “Let’s go outside and make out.” I look at my friend like help me and he says, “Go do it!” Yes he said that. Wait it gets better.

I decide to leave. My male friend runs after me. I try to grab a cab. I jump in one. HE jumps in it. I jump out. He jumps out. The cab leaves. I grab the next one. He gets in the next one. One of my thoughts is to call the police but then I think I’m being too dramatic and drunk. He says, “I just want to see your apartment.”

He ends up at my apartment. I know, bad move, but I’m pretty sure I was only trying to avoid a scene. He proceeds to go through everything in my apartment, asking me why I place things there and when I’m getting this here. Finally I screamed, “GET OUT!!!! You are pissing me off!” After about a ½hr of fighting to push his ass out, he finally leaves.

Fast forward 3 days later, I’m working out on the stepper at my gym. I try to log on to websites plugged into my blackberry and guess what? There are about 5 different porn sites plugged in.

I now remember this “date” asking to see my blackberry because he might want to exchange his iphone for the Blackberry Curve. Like seriously now? Are you that desperate that you know about 5 different porn sites and you needed to plug them into my blackberry? Yes. I think you are!

You know who you are fatty fat cake or should I call you by your nickname, 40-year old virgin. I shot him a text, “Ur disgusting. Lose my number.”

Guys: Pay for the god dam check, buy the girl drinks, but don’t make her double fist and don’t expect anything and slobber all over your date. So foul and so unattractive, honestly.

Girls: when a guy doesn’t pick up the tab, after he asks you out for the evening, leave right then and there. Spare yourself. Meet friends out or go home, take a bath, light candles and put a mask on your face.

Until next time! Keep on dating..