{"id":14377,"date":"2012-11-05T23:11:43","date_gmt":"2012-11-05T23:11:43","guid":{"rendered":""},"modified":"2025-10-15T00:59:19","modified_gmt":"2025-10-15T00:59:19","slug":"those-who-can-t-commit-probably-won-t","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/?p=14377","title":{"rendered":"Those Who Can\u2019t Commit…Probably Won\u2019t"},"content":{"rendered":"

Being in relationship after relationship, I continuously find myself with the same kind of guy- a commitment phobe.<\/strong> I cannot tell you how many blanket nests I slept in with men not committed enough to their own existence to own a proper bed. In more than enough instances I have been left wanting and wondering. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I had to look no further than my own friends, and my own previous relationships to shed light and insight into those unanswered questions that plagued my consciousness and unfulfilled heart.<\/p>\n

It was only a year or so ago when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, Tyge. We were together for four and a half years.<\/strong> Like most couples we talked about our future together- where we would live, how many kids we\u2019d want, would we be spending Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine? I was excited about the possibilities and was looking forward to our life together- until I came to realize that I was alone in my ruminations of a happily ever after. As I was naively planning our future together, Tyge was planning his future career move to Florida. Needless to say, things ended between us. Tyge was unsure of whether there was a future for us together and just wasn\u2019t ready to settle down. I wanted more but I knew sadly, yet realistically, it had to be over. As much as we loved each other, it wasn\u2019t enough. I\u2019d like to say it came as a shock to me but I think that deep down, I knew it wasn\u2019t meant to last. I was in love with the idea of love and was blinded by my desires to finally share that with someone that it almost didn\u2019t matter that he didn\u2019t feel the same.<\/p>\n

Of course I was heartbroken. The thought of starting over was terrifying and something I wasn\u2019t ready for. So instead of trying to find Mr. Right, I was on a mission trying to find Mr. Right now. I\u2019d wildly chase any thread of intimacy, catching nothing besides a rapid unraveling of myself to fill the void. While dating I tried to convince myself that I was \u201cnot into monogamy\u201d, but it was secretly what I longed for. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve been far from being alone all these years. If anything, I\u2019ve had too many dates, too many boyfriends, and too little traction. But, not being alone is not the same as not being lonely, and I couldn\u2019t help but want what most of my loved ones have- a stable relationship. <\/p>\n

\n
\n

\nOne moment we were talking about relationships and the next he admitted he was a commitment phobe.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jericah Valencia<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

His name was Simon.<\/strong> I met him at a media event that one of my clients was hosting. He had light eyes, dirty blonde hair, and an Australian accent that made all the girls swoon. It was obvious that he was a first class debonair- handsome, intelligent, sophisticated, and maybe a tad bit arrogant. He piqued my curiosity and I wanted to know more so I left him with my business card and bid him adieu. What stunned me the next morning was when I woke up to a text from Simon sent last night hoping that I arrived home safely. Most guys would have coolly played by the \u201c3-day rule\u201d before picking up the phone. You can imagine my pleasant surprise to see that he didn\u2019t wait even 24 hours to get my attention. I was definitely intrigued.<\/p>\n

Soon enough we had scheduled our first date for the following week. We decided to meet at a tapas bar in Chelsea and Simon was just as handsome as I remembered. He had a perfectly coiffed \u2018do and looked impeccably groomed wearing dark neat pants, a crisp fitted dress shirt, and shamelessly sporting that sexy 5 o\u2019clock shadow. He was charming, funny, and quick witted. Our conversation flowed effortlessly and we never ran out of things to say. Before I knew it, we were back at his apartment sipping wine and talking till 3AM in the morning.
\nIt wasn\u2019t long till I saw I saw him again later that week. Two dates turned into four, and four turned to many more, until I found myself seeing him several times a week. We were texting each other every day just to see how each other\u2019s day was going or to exchange some witty banter. All I wanted was to know more about him. All I wanted to do was to hang out with him. And every time I saw him, butterflies.<\/strong> <\/p>\n

One late evening we were at his place, having another one of those all-nighter conversations and tangled within each other\u2019s arms. One moment we were talking about relationships and the next he admitted he was a commitment phobe. <\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t like the idea of girlfriend-boyfriend labels. I want to feel like I still have my freedom,\u201d Simon declared. <\/p>\n

\u201cIn other words, you\u2019re a commitment phobe,\u201d I clarified. He didn\u2019t argue with my view point. <\/p>\n

His last relationship fucked him up, I mean like, really fucked him up. And because of his wretched past, the idea of commitment discouraged him from being in any sort of relationship. So what does that mean for us? I wasn\u2019t looking for anything serious, at least not right now. But what will happen if we do get to that point and he\u2019s still not looking for anything more than what we share right now? And then there was that unattainable idea that eluded and disappointed me for years- I wanted more. Like quitting any addiction, I\u2019d had slip-ups with codependence and still found myself inexplicably drawn to the emotionally remote drifters of the world. <\/p>\n

All of a sudden, I had a flashback of when I was with Tyge. After the breakup, I realized I didn\u2019t want to make that same mistake again by being with someone who couldn\u2019t be with me wholeheartedly. I was again overcome with disappointment and dismay to find myself in the exact same situation I had vowed to avoid over a year ago.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you even want to be in a long term relationship? Not necessarily with me, but with someone eventually?\u201d I asked.
\n\u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d he responded, \u201cI promised myself that I wouldn\u2019t jump into a long term relationship unless I knew it was right,\u201d he said. But that promise was made six years ago after he broke up with his last girlfriend. <\/p>\n

Jumping into any relationship isn\u2019t easy.<\/strong> I\u2019ve had my fair share of heartbreak, but hearing Simon\u2019s sob story could make me see why it would be difficult for him to open up himself to someone else. When we love someone, we often feel more responsible for their feelings than for our own. It is most certainly a heavy burden to carry, and understandable why Simon would be afraid of committing to someone again. However, just because I was sympathetic to his situation did not mean I wasn\u2019t pissed! I was pissed with myself for being foolish enough to think that something could further develop between us and that I let my feelings disillusion me once again. But ultimately, I was pissed at Simon because of his bullshit excuses. He liked the idea of getting all the perks of a relationship, yet didn\u2019t want to be tied down to the responsibilities of one. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. He was using the \u201ccommitment phobe\u201d card as a cop out, and one that I knew all too well. I wasn\u2019t about to get caught up in the same trap I did before. <\/p>\n

My jaw clenched as to prevent me from saying anything out of irrationality and rage, but it was written all of over my face for Simon to read.<\/strong> There\u2019s nothing I hate more than appearing vulnerable to a guy and having to surrender to my raw emotions. When I\u2019m emotionally uncomfortable, my mouth involuntarily spills my inner turmoil in a rapid fire, a succinct summary of my personality. I inadvertently spewed, \u201cI think its bullshit that you\u2019re a commitment phobe. Whatever excess baggage you had in the past, you have to get over it and grow the fuck up.\u201d <\/p>\n

\n
\n

\nAs cowardly as his actions were, I wasn\u2019t surprised that it would end this way.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jericah Valencia<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

I felt like four and half years of pent up aggression was unleashed and poor Simon received the worst of it.<\/strong> It was pure diarrhea of the mouth. I instantly felt like a bitch for judging his past. I could have certainly voiced my opinions in a less harsh and abrasive way, but just because I felt bad for saying it didn\u2019t mean that I meant it any less. Thankfully, Simon took my words objectively and with little offense. To think, I found someone who was just as damaged as I was or maybe more so. <\/p>\n

Simon and I are no longer seeing each other. His non-committal instincts took over and I never heard from him again. As cowardly as his actions were, I wasn\u2019t surprised that it would end this way. However, during the short time we knew each other, I can\u2019t deny that I genuinely enjoyed spending my time with him. Maybe I was setting myself up for disaster even though I knew about his non-committal ways. But being with Simon reminded me that love can be messy and, unfortunately, there can be no guarantees. But when it\u2019s good, like heart-achingly, deliciously, painstakingly good? It\u2019s really good. Boy, do I know. As disappointed as I am that things didn\u2019t work out between us, I\u2019ve only gained a tougher skin from it. And trust me; I certainly am still learning to love like my heart\u2019s never been broken before.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Being in relationship after relationship, I continuously find myself with the same kind of guy- a commitment phobe. I cannot<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7324,"featured_media":72448,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_container_layout":"default_layout","colormag_page_sidebar_layout":"default_layout","footnotes":""},"categories":[1006,1],"tags":[2115],"class_list":["post-14377","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-relationship","category-news","tag-dating"],"magazineBlocksPostFeaturedMedia":{"thumbnail":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u-113x150.jpg","medium":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","medium_large":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","large":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","1536x1536":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","2048x2048":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-highlighted-post":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-featured-post-medium":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-featured-post-small":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u-113x90.jpg","colormag-featured-image":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-default-news":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u-113x150.jpg","colormag-featured-image-large":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-elementor-block-extra-large-thumbnail":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-elementor-grid-large-thumbnail":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-elementor-grid-small-thumbnail":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg","colormag-elementor-grid-medium-large-thumbnail":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg"},"magazineBlocksPostAuthor":{"name":"","avatar":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/?s=96&d=mm&r=g"},"magazineBlocksPostCommentsNumber":"0","magazineBlocksPostExcerpt":"Being in relationship after relationship, I continuously find myself with the same kind of guy- a commitment phobe. I cannot","magazineBlocksPostCategories":["Dating & relationships","News"],"magazineBlocksPostViewCount":130,"magazineBlocksPostReadTime":9,"magazine_blocks_featured_image_url":{"full":["https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg",113,170,false],"medium":["https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u.jpg",113,170,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/u-113x150.jpg",113,150,true]},"magazine_blocks_author":{"display_name":"","author_link":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/?author=7324"},"magazine_blocks_comment":0,"magazine_blocks_author_image":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/?s=96&d=mm&r=g","magazine_blocks_category":"Dating & relationships<\/a> News<\/a>","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14377","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/7324"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14377"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14377\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/72448"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14377"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14377"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/asiancemagazine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14377"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}