The Mating Game
One good reason to be at a university is the opportunity to meet, perhaps eventually marry, someone with whom you are compatible, somewhat similar to you, but different enough to be interesting. Even when this does not happen, dating is instructive.
In my book, “Ting and I”, the dating and mating process was modeled as follows:
“It occurs to me that during the dating phase of our lives we get to know well, say, a dozen potential spouses, more or less. We hope to pick one and mate for life.
Enjoying modeling things, as I do, the model I have for this is as follows: A deck of cards is shuffled. We are dealt a dozen cards in a single pile, face down. Dating is picking a card. If you get to know the person pretty well, you have turned over the card and seen its value, from deuce to ace. You can discard it and continue through the pile, but once you decide to hold a card, to marry it, you do not get to see the rest of the cards in your pile.
If the first card you pick is a deuce, you know you’ll surely do better with a subsequent pick. If it is an ace, you have won, as there will be no higher card. What if it’s a king or a queen or a jack? Nice cards, not necessarily the best in the pile, but each might be. If one of these is the next-to-last card in the pile, which is to say your future dating opportunities are very limited––your biological clock is ticking, perhaps––you’ll probably pick it, knowing that it is unlikely that the last card is higher, though it might be. To be kind, we won’t show you the last card. Well, sometimes life does later show you that last card, the person who is even better than the person you married, so the model might have to adjust for that. You might ‘divorce’ that first pick and try to ‘marry’ that higher card. The costs of doing that can be very high.
I know people who discarded a high card, then settled for a lower one as the pile of opportunities ran low. I nearly did this myself. They might have been satisfied with that lower card if they had never held the higher one.
Others misread the cards, mistaking a 6 for a 9 or a jack for a king. I did this myself.
Some refuse to play the mating game at all, which is a shame.
Unfortunately, the stakes in the real mating game are very high, and the opportunities for fooling ourselves or being fooled are very great.
Sometimes you win, and winning is wonderful.”
We hope to win at the mating game. Even when we do not, we learn about ourselves and others––valuable lessons, worthwhile memories.
Douglas Winslow Cooper, Ph.D., is a freelance writer and retired physicist whose book, Ting and I: A Memoir of Love, Courage and Devotion, to be published in September 2011 by Outskirts Press (Denver, CO). His email address is douglas@tingandi.com, at his web site.
Great article! I agree that University is the best place to meet your mate.
MEETING YOUR MATE AT THE WELFARE OFFICE, OR JUST BUMPING SHOPPING CARTS AT THE THRIFT STORE, IS THE BEST PLACE TO MEET.
omg let’s hope not too many people meet at the welfare office, although they would both have something in common now, wouldn’t they?
It’s definitely the sign of the times. Read my blog I posted about “Generation LIMBO”. Harvard graduates living on food stamps… sad…
Everything in life is timing. University prospects, career prospects, and mating prospects, etc. The baby boomer generation had it too easy for too long.
The great thing about hard times is that you never forget the lesson and stop taking things for granted. Warren Buffet never had it easy which contributes to his great character. He is one of the most noble American self-made entrepreneurs.
HMMM, FOODS BANKS ARE A HOT SPOT TO FIND A SOUL MATE? OR IS ZALES A GOOD PLACE? DOES IT MATTER?
Warren Buffett came from a well-off family. His father was a Congressman who owned a brokerage in New York. When he started business ventures, most of the startup money came from wealthy family members.
I met my fiance in college and I couldn’t be happier. During my last year in school, I signed up with one of the top rated dating sites which just matched me up with whomever it felt I was compatible with… well, of my total of four dates I got from the company, only one would be considered ‘ok’. All the guys I met seemed to have an Asian fetish… they picked me cause I’m small and have a cute smile. Anyway, the one guy that was ok remained just that. Not even a Jack or even a Ten, so we went our separate ways after a few months. But my fiance, on the other hand, I met in my senior seminar class and he turned out to be an immediate King. I knew somewhere out there that there might be an Ace, but you don’t fold when you have a King. He’s not perfect, but he’s still awesome and probably more than I deserve. Don’t waste your life looking for the ‘perfect’ person. They are elusive and you’ll age before you learn that adjusting your expectations might serve you well!
whats asian fetish? sounds sexual. all the asian dating sites i would say are asian gals wanting caucasian men. must be a CAUCasian fetish i suppose…
I think Kelly N. has it right, or at least is very fortunate to have things transpire the “old fashioned” way. I think I’m just gonna have to go back to school!
I think that “old fashioned” is the best way to go. I have always believed that the “old fashioned” way works best and now all of the trends are headed in that direction. Organic food, back to basics health care, etc. Why not dating? It isn’t easy being an “old fashioned girl” in a post modern era.
How sad that so many women have been led to believe that looking for a mate is like looking for a job. Another money making/sales ploy. How incredibly ridiculous! That defies fate, romance, and all of the other wonderful natural phenomena that occur when you leave things to the power of the universe. A job and a mate are two completely different animals.
Anyone who follows and admires Warren Buffet knows that. However, he did work his entire life from childhood to make his own money and approached people who he admired (not relatives) himself early in his career and had to prove himself to those mentors. Since when is it a crime to come from a well-off family. That does not mean that you have it easy! He still had to work hard at many odd jobs to make his own money to support himself. NEWSFLASH: You still are on your own and have to prove yourself. “Spreading the wealth” is NOT a practice shared by MOST wealthy families. I feel like Obamanomics has taken over this entire country. If they invest in you it is ONLY because they are sure they will get a HUGE return on their investment!!
Also, before you share this, we are all well aware of Warren Buffet’s unusual? personal life as well. He had a long time mistress with whom he shared a double life and married after his wife died. His wife was friends with her and they actually sent out Christmas cards together. At least the man acknowledged her and did eventually marry her. Personally, I have much more respect for a man who is out in the open with his love life than a man putting on a show of smoke and mirrors in order to “protect” his status. A rich man is considered eccentric while a not so rich man is regarded as crazy.
However you care to look at it, the man is the greatest American Entrepreneur and one of the richest, most admired and respected men in the world “Anonymous”. It was the gifted entrepreneurs who made America great in the first place and it is up to great entrepreneurs to save America, NOT THE GOVERMENT. In other words, put your money where your future is.