Secrets of a Second Marriage: Beat the 8-Year Itch

Is marriage better the second time around? Overall, second marriages are shorter, with a median length of 14.5 years versus 20.8 years for first marriages, the Census Bureau says. The reason: Second marriages begin later in life and are more likely to end when a spouse dies. Comparing first and second marriages that end in divorce, however, reveals they last the same amount of time—about eight years—according to the Census Bureau report “Marital Events of Americans: 2009,” based on data collected in 2008.

“The fact that the divorce rate isn’t higher for remarriages shows that a lot of people are trying very hard and with great success to make their second marriages work,” says Andrew Cherlin, professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins University. “We used to think that second marriages were much more fragile.”

The divorce rate, which peaked around 1980, is at its lowest level since the 1970s, according to the Census Bureau. In 2009, 9.2 out of every 1,000 men age 15-plus, and 9.7 out of every 1,000 women, divorced in the past 12 months. People often cite the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. This number may no longer hold. The Census Bureau last looked at this number in 1996, and estimated some 50% of first marriages end in divorce, noting that number was based on numerical modeling, not survey data. It didn’t address the question of second marriages. Many experts now believe the rate is in the 40% range.

Still, second marriages have become commonplace. Nineteen percent of marriages that occurred in 2008 were the second marriage for at least one spouse. Second marriages have their own well-known stressors. Children can be reluctant to accept a stepparent; raising kids leaves newlyweds little time to gain intimacy. One spouse may be paying to support children of the previous marriage or may want to preserve assets for them. And never mind the other baggage that people bring with them after divorce, whether it’s fear of losing their independence or a bitter ex.

With the deck stacked against them, how do so many people find happiness by remarrying? Dr. Cherlin says many learn from the mistakes of their first marriage. They gain understanding of what they need in a mate, and what they cannot tolerate, making them more careful about choosing the second time around. “The author Samuel Johnson once said that remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience,” Dr. Cherlin says. “But we may have found that experience triumphs anyway.”

Experts say the success of a remarriage depends largely on how well the partners dealt with their divorces. “If both sets of ex-spouses are on cordial speaking terms and, if children are involved, both sets work effectively together as parents, the ripple effect will be relatively minor,” says Michael Zentman, a psychologist and director of the postgraduate program in marriage and couple therapy at Adelphi University, Garden City, N.Y. Dr. Zentman advises couples to get an emotional divorce, not just a legal divorce. “An emotional divorce requires thoughtful self-examination and the recognition that it almost always takes two people for a marriage to fail,” he says. Acknowledge your role in it so you can avoid repeating it.

Timing helps determine the success of a remarriage, psychologists say. After a divorce, partners who wait to gain a sense of themselves and what they are looking for have a much better chance of making a second commitment work. “It’s important that they’re not just getting remarried to be married again,” says Constance Ahrons, a San Diego psychologist and therapist specializing in divorce and remarriage. Divorced people who don’t take time to explore their mistakes often will do one of two things, therapists say: Marry the same type of person and repeat the pattern of their first marriage, or seek out the opposite of their ex-spouse.

How can you get a better shot at marital bliss the second time around? Know thyself—and thy baggage. And pay attention to all three aspects of chemistry: physical, spiritual and intellectual. “A friend is solid and always there for you, but you also need someone who challenges you,” says Toni Coleman, a licensed social worker in McLean, Va.
Learn to deal constructively with big conflicts and to let go or smaller ones. “What you see is what you get,” Dr. Ahrons says. “You’re not going to change anyone.”

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