Once you go… You never go back
Hello from New Orleans! My name is Hong and I am Vietnamese. I’ve never dated another Vietnamese guy – I actually prefer to date Black guys and I have been dating a Black guy for the past six years. I have learned so much about myself and how different and not-so-different it is to date someone who is not the same race as I am.
We learn a lot from each other and I realize that it can be somewhat different compared to same-race relationships considering people still think interracial dating is somewhat “taboo.”
For one reason or another, people may say that interracial dating isn’t “taboo” anymore making comments like, “It’s 2011, I don’t care” or “My uncle is White, I don’t mind at all.” Well, yes it is 2011, and yes, you may have one member in the family that is White, but consider seeing your own ethnicity date outside of his or her race. People tend to view interracial dating differently depending on which race is dating which and if it’s their own people or not. Consider how many people to this day look down on dating outside of their race and deeply consider how Asians, especially traditional ones, frown upon it.
What’s so intriguing about all of this is that many want to know what made me do it. And the answer is… “once you go Black, you never go back!” I’M KIDDING! I can not speak for anyone’s experiences except my own; therefore, all of this is written “in my opinion.” I continually learn from my relationship and from seeing other relationships, but no matter what – love is love.
I consider myself to be quite different in personality from the Asian women I see at school or in everyday life here in New Orleans. Not sure if this is the case in other areas of the country or the world, but Asians in New Orleans rarely date outside their race. The Vietnamese population here is tremendous, therefore it’s hard to account for any other ethnicity. Vietnamese people tend to date Vietnamese people here. On the other hand, I’ve always been attracted to different races than my own. I was madly infatuated with White guys when I lived in South Carolina, and moving down here has made me realize I’m more attracted to Black men. To find an Asian man attractive has been few and far between for one reason or another (that’ll be another post in itself). I’m not saying that all Asian men are unattractive, but that their physical features and demeanor make them less attractive to me.
“My Experiences”
I will start with my experiences from the beginning of my relationship and bring up the many difficulties and joys of being in an interracial relationship – and what many people may come across when dating interracially.
Meeting new people for the first time I get questions like:
“What do your parents think of him?”
“Why wouldn’t you date an Asian guy?”
“What does a Black guy have that an Asian guy doesn’t?”
“Would you consider dating a White guy or anything else?”
“Is he different than other Black guys I see around here?” (like what’s that supposed to mean?)
Through this blog, I’ll discuss these questions and similar ones like it and answer the many questions that are on peoples’ minds about dating interracially. This may include dating other races besides Blacks. It’ll also include the everyday things me and my boyfriend as a couple think about – from telling family members about your relationship to compromising religions to meeting each other’s families or how our future kids will be affected being biracial.
“Coming Out to the Parents”
To start – I began dating my boyfriend six years ago. I was still in high school, didn’t know the first thing about dating, and was deathly afraid of my parents finding out. He wasn’t Asian so it made it worse breaking the news to them. So to answer one of the common questions I get from people is “what do your parents think of him?” Well, they actually didn’t mind.
I didn’t officially tell my parents I was dating a Black guy until after a year of dating him. The following year, I decided to go through with it and tell my parents I was dating someone who wasn’t Asian. Surprisingly, my dad was fine with it. We had a long discussion about life and that the person I date should be someone who can take care of me. As long as he (or anyone else I date) was good, wholesome, and came from a good background, my dad was fine with it. With a sigh of relief – we left it at that, fast forward to six years later and my dad really likes my boyfriend. Luckily for me – telling my parents was quite easy once I explained to them that he came from a traditional Honduran background with tons of morals and traditions – just like the Vietnamese culture. My father made the connection and respects my boyfriend because of that.
Many times I think about other couples and their ability or inability to tell their family or even friends that they’re dating someone outside of their race. For some it can be very difficult, almost to the point of disowning the dissenter. Luckily, my family does not look at me differently and my boyfriend’s parents accept me as their own. I’ve had a good friend of mine hide her relationship for many years before they broke up (her boyfriend was Latino and she was Vietnamese) from her family because they were strict and very traditional. It amazed me how unaccepting they were, but didn’t surprise me. Tradition is so important I suppose.
To readers out there, have you found it easy or difficult to tell others about your interracial relationship, or that you prefer a different race? Let me know what you think.
This was a great post. I’m happy to hear of other asian women coming out and speaking about dating other races, especially since I get crucified when I do. See my article on the asian man vs black man http://www.asiancemagazine.com/content/asian-man-versus-black-man
I can see that once you go black you don’t want to go back but I always like to have a variety. My parents know there is no telling me, so I do what I want in terms of dating. If I want to bring home a black, white or gasp, Asian man, they do not care as long as I’m happy!
Thanks so much! I get so excited when I see other Asian women dating outside their race, and especially a Black man. It’s like I give them a high-five inside for stepping outside the box for once and saying to the world “I love me a black man!” I read your article, it’s hilarious and so true! Black men do get a bad rap for being players, uneducated and so many other reasons, but that’s not all Black men. I hope people, Asians especially, will see that and start supporting it more.
Keep up the great work. I’m going to try and work on my blog too.
Thanks for your positivity! =)
http://darkonesun.net/?p=78
This guy is a winner!!!
Thanks Anonymous – I won’t let him know that or his head will be bucked up big time LOL
You ladies are real hoot . Someone you feel need prounce a verbal slap in Asian male . Fact you need create a post and announce purely Asian “female ” IR dating shows you nothing more than insecure self hating lost sellout who don’t know what or who she really is. No wonder Asian women have such poor self esteem an identity issues
Thank you for suggesting that I’m in the least bit interesting or a “hoot,” otherwise you wouldn’t have commented; however, I know exactly who I am and I don’t apologize for knowing what I want. I am a college-educated, young female with an open mind and heart. I respect all human beings including Asian males. Like I have said before, my intention is to never hurt, offend, or “verbally slap” anyone. Dating your own race does not make you better a person nor does it make you a non-sellout. Everyone has a preference and I have a right to like whomever I want.
I have never had nor will I ever have poor self-etsteem or identity issues. If I did, I wouldn’t be publicly talking about my relationships to anyone. I would be hiding my identity, just like you are with your anonymous comment and grammatically incorrect sentences. =)
Yes Hong You need to reclarify your posts here. Of course you are open to date other races; a black/latin guy if you choose,but you don’t have to put down or demean Asian men or Asian relationships to justify your dating preference. You are just young and you just might also get some flack from black\latin women with your partner. You will be in a big surprise. That goes for everyone who proclaims some divine preference to date an opposite race yet rejecting or belittle the opposite gender of their own race ethnicity. I have more respect to those who are open mindend to all and don’t disrespect their own culture and heritage.
I clearly explain in my posts that I don’t intend to offend anyone and state that all posts are my personal opinion. If you’re not attracted to someone’s physical or behavioral traits, then you’re not – you can’t change that. I have never demeaned, slandered or spoke harshly about Asian males and especially not Asian relationships. I adore Asian relationships, my parents are both Vietnamese and have been married for over 25 years so I would never discourage these relationships. I don’t belittle anyone to justify why I date who date. I simply explain that I haven’t dated any Asian man for those reasons.
I do not see how my age has to do with this. I’ve worked on my relationship for five plus years – way longer than most marriages of same-race and interracial ones typically are in America. Therefore, it is with experience that I speak from, not age. Funny thing is, I haven’t received flack from Black/Latino women – they’re usually the ones telling us that they’re happy to see us together and that we’ll have beautiful children. And if I do receive those comments, I’m happy to hear what people have to say and do not mind opposing opinions.
Who are you to be giving out advice on relationships? Did she ask you? What privacy? I’ve let it all out there. And yes that is me…do I make you horny baby?
No Nancy. I am just offering her some worldy advice and commentary. Remember, it is like when I first posted on your story/situation a few years ago. But I will respect your privacy and keep it low key to just discuss it offline via PM. So is that you in your avatar?
Dony – aren’t you half Asian? That’s a little hypocritical dontcha think?
LOL! Exactly – I didn’t ask for advice, nonetheless “worldly” advice.
You said that you get questions from people regarding your relationship with a black man, such as:
“Is he different than other Black guys I see around here?”
Then, you wondered: “(like what’s that supposed to mean?)”
Well…it means that the people who asked you that question have a perception of black men — perhaps negative, perhaps positive — based on their lifetime experience. Maybe they are not attracted to the (what they see as) typical black guy demeanor and/or they find black guys physically unattractive and they are curious if “your” black guy is any different from that to which they are accustomed.
I guess it would be like you asking any of your girlfriends who might be dating an Asian guy:
“Is he different than other Asian guys I see around here?”
Because, you have stated in this blog post that (presumably, from your lifetime experience), Asian men’s “physical features and demeanor make them less attractive” to you.
Thanks Anonymous for bringing this up – the reason I put the “like what’s that supposed to mean” wasn’t because I didn’t know what it meant, I was being sarcastic. I know it all too well what they’re asking me. I was going to blog about it – the differences I see in my boyfriend who is Black in comparison to the many stereotypes others perceive of Blacks.
But thank you for your analysis of the perception of Black men. There are many of them and that’s where I was going to dissect it. Since my boyfriend is considered Black by so many, but others don’t look past skin tone and know that his culture is Hispanic as well.
It’s definitely difficult for me to tell people because I’m afraid they’ll just assume it’s “phase” or something. And I wanna be respected for who I chose to be with not because of the color of their skin but truly the character of their heart. So I’ll just leave it at “I’m dating someone.” Or “My boyfriend is great.” And do my best to leave out the issue of race. Because like seriously, GET A LIFE if you don’t like who I’m with! lol
Sorry, I didn’t see your comment until now, which was wonderful by the way. =)
I know it can very difficult to come out and say “hey! I’m not dating an Asian person!” and you shouldn’t have to come out and admit it to people. Telling people that sort of information is and can be personal because people will judge you right off the bat when you tell them you’re dating outside of your race. But at the same time never be afraid to tell people who matter to you. Whether you’re dodging the situation or trying to seriously hide it, it’s always good to be open with people you love or feel close to. Explain to them that it’s not just a phase, but a part of your life that means a lot to you. It’s ultimately your decision to be with whoever you want and anyone who says something negative about it do not have your best interest at heart.
I definitely don’t want to tell you how you should tell other people, but be serious about it and explain to them that their skin is only a small difference between you two, and that everything you guys share is worth way more to both of you than race, religion, or whatever it may be. It takes a while for loved ones to open up to “something new,” but if that person is truly a great person, then they will eventually see that and be happy for you. And definitely at the end of the day if they don’t like it, then you should tell them to get a life, build a bridge and get over it because there are other things out there that people should be concerned about, i.e. the state of the U.S. economy and starving Third World countries to name a couple.
Brilliant! thanks so much and thanks for the advice to. It really made a lot of sense, what you were saying about how it’s important to explain what someone means to you.
I’ll keep ya posted on my crazy romance…so long as I don’t bore you too much! Goodnight Hong.
-Mary
You’re welcome! I’m glad I made sense – I have a tendency to get on a soap box about this topic lol. But I’m happy that you get where I was coming from about telling your loved ones about how important your relationship is to you.
Definitely keep me posted. I love talking about relationships. All of my friends make fun of me for blabbing on and on about George.
Have a good one!
It ain’t the meat, it’s the motion….apparently?
What a hoot indeed. “I get so excited when I see other Asian women dating outside their race,…I give them a high-five inside for stepping outside the box for once…”, then later she writes ‘I’ve never dated an Asian man and never will’.
Nice stepping out of the box for you there. Yeah, yeah I know she loves same race relationships but, you know, its soooooo boring and lame to be just attracted to Asian guys.
The level of delusion is very high. God bless America I suppose, the land of image.
I told my grandmother how you hepeld. She said, “bake them a cake!”
It’s good to see someone thinking it thruogh.
I agree with some of what you are saying as far as you don’t want aynone thinking your some sort of anti-social loser by having loner pics with anime but just how you approach your argument is sad. Its kinda funny how most comments are actually worth listening to and then here comes your comment, Pathetic, weak and useless.
Wow… nice post Hong. 🙂
Well, I’m Jonathan, and I from Brazil.
recently I met a Vietnamese girl, when we begin to talk… goal…
love at first sight. she began to praise me, and I started to laugh a lot. With a some time we ended up staying together;
about this article, mixed relationship are very common in country, principally between Asian and Whites couples.
Also exist Black and Asian couples, like Natives mixed couples. still, When the parents of my girl have said that “He’s a good and nice boy”, I never imagined that they had approve it, although that Brazil are multicultural and mixed country, of any races types.
But, I’m not the first of her, their last boyfriend was dead in car accident. Actually, she are so sad because she remember of their ex-bf.
and had stopped to talk with me because of the ex-bf. she are my first.
their friends, says that she are act wrong, I wanna to understand how to make or repair it… because I can’t want see she sad, because of the past.
cam on! 😀
Aww so sweet. 🙂 Are you guys still dating?
GREAT STORY