My Rules of Attraction – Why I Haven’t Dated An Asian Guy
So I’ve given background on my interracial relationship with a Black man. So the next question is why wouldn’t I date an Asian man?
I’ve actually been confronted with that question by a friend who is Asian (Vietnamese). He told me that he admired me because I wasn’t a typical Asian girl on campus who clung to her usual Asian friends – I hung out with other races, mainly Blacks. Our conversation had me thinking about why Asian men were so different from Black men and why I wouldn’t date an Asian man.
Here were my reasons for why I wouldn’t/haven’t dated an Asian guy (This is not at all representative of Asian men (particularly Vietnamese men) – just what I noticed when it comes to my interactions with Asian guys in NOLA).
Here’s what we discussed:
They’re not outspoken or forward when approaching women – I find that most Asian guys either take forever to tell you that they’re into you or don’t say anything at all – they always want to be your friend. I tend to be drawn to guys who are more direct and let you know they’re into you instead of beating things around the bush.
They remind me too much of my dad – (this is more of a personal thing for me) I know that men/women learn their behavior characteristics from their fathers/mothers; therefore Asian men make me feel like they’ll end up being just like their fathers – stern, grumpy, old-school, judgmental – maybe more like my grandpa to be exact. Things I feel like Asian men pass down to their sons.
I don’t have enough physical attraction for them – Asian men tend to be short. Since I’m short (4’11”) I don’t want my man being short too. I want to feel protected if I’m standing next to him. Also, Asian men tend to have more effeminate traits and less masculine figures than other men. Or it’s the total opposite – there are ones that act like a “gangster” – not cute. A Vietnamese girl friend of mine agreed with me on this one. Since she’s a bit more curvaceous than your average Vietnamese girl – not even chunky or big, just has more hips – she wants a guy who’s bigger and taller than her who can handle her curves, so she dates a White guy.
His response was quite defensive. He says the reason why Asian men are not forward is because of culture and being a gentleman – it’s the woman’s job to let him know if she’s interested; allowing the woman to take the first step so that the guy does not come off as a creep. His whole argument was that Vietnamese guys are traditional and if that means being like his dad or acting shy, then so be it.
As for the other reasons, those are things Vietnamese guys cannot change – especially the attraction. You either have the swag or you don’t.
Regardless, I do believe beautiful relationships come from same race relationships, so it is not my intention to bash on the Asian man. My whole thing about not dating Asian (Vietnamese) guys is that once you see how most of them are, you either like it or you’re turned off by it. I’m the latter I guess.
That’s great Hong. We applaud your honesty!
Ouch! Nice, honest, and interesting but ouch 🙂
Congratulations on your blog and the show! Anderson Cooper’s show is very popular and well-respected . He is very cutting-edge and it will surely bring you the notoriety that you deserve!
I plan on being honest, but never intentionally hurtful. My words are meant to inspire people and open people’s minds to change and equality. Nobody ever got anything done by keeping quiet.
Thanks! I try my best to be 100 percent honest. If it offends people, then at least they can understand that not everybody thinks the same way. We should be supporting one another instead of ridiculing that’s for sure.
“Since I’m short (4’11”) I don’t want my man being short too. I want to feel protected if I’m standing next to him.”
Holy crap! Do we still live in the Stone Age? Do you need your caveman to protect you from the T-Rex in your neighborhood? If you’re only 4’11”, then it shouldn’t be too hard finding an Asian man significantly taller than you, unless you live in a pygmy tribe.
I thought women fought so hard the past 100 years to become independent. Women today can be anything they want. They can be the breadwinner in the family. They can be athletes (unheard of in Victorian times). Real women don’t need a man for protection.
And your reason that Asian men remind you too much of your dad is absurd. I’m sure Caucasian men also remind Caucasian women of THEIR dad, but that doesn’t deter them from dating Caucasian men. This is just plain racist!
My advice: Grow up! (pun intended)
Thanks Anonymous, thank you for your opinion, and that’s exactly what it is, yours, just like how my post is IN MY OPINION. And my dating preferences are also my opinion, it’s what you like and nobody should knock you for them. I’ve heard worse preferences – height preference is the least of them.
No, we don’t live in the Stone Age, but I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of women who won’t date a man who is shorter than average because it looks or feels awkward, well I feel the same. I’m not going to date a man who is 5’1″ – I feel that’s too damn short! Most Asian men are 5’5″ and below. And yes, that’s taller than my height, but I’ve never cared for short men OF ANY RACE. Some women will tell you they’re not going to date a shorter man – that’s just how it is (look up the average height of an Asian man if you’re curious).
Yes, real women don’t need protection, but while I’m with a guy he better damn sure protect me. I don’t know where you live, but I live in New Orleans, and if you didn’t know crime happens pretty regularly (That’s my sarcastic side). But seriously, I’m not with a guy for his protection, but why be with a guy who can’t protect you? I would say I’m better off alone.
And your final comment, it’s actually not absurd. Doing a little digging, it’s more of a cultural thing. I grew up with Whites and Blacks almost my entire life until my family moved to New Orleans six years ago. I didn’t grow up in an Asian community to understand Asian men and when you’re not familiar with one group or another, you stray away from it because it’s not what you prefer. And the ones I did get to know have very similar opinions/values like my father, WHICH ARE NOT BAD; however, I would rather date someone who believes differently. I enjoy diversity.
Bringing up White people is a whole other ball park – of course it doesn’t deter them, there’s so many more White males to choose from who aren’t like the woman’s father. The percentage of the White population is significantly larger than the percentage of Asian so comparing the availability of males for each group is comparing apples to oranges. The reason why I haven’t dated, not necessarily why I won’t date Asian men, is just that in fact, the pool of Asian men is so much smaller.
Considering that pool of Asian men in New Orleans, the availability is smaller because you know them/grew up with them, your family knows them and somehow they’re related to you, or one of your friends has dated them. The community is dense and everybody knows everybody. Either the guy is taken, been around the block a few times, gay, or related to you.
And I wish I could grow up literally, unfortunately it wasn’t written in my genes. I don’t see how being blatantly rude to a person helps the world grow (no pun intended).
Wish I had time to go back and forth but I don’t. I don’t respect people who accuse me of hating anyone, putting words in my mouth, or saying I’m racist – they are WRONG. I DON’T HATE ANYONE. If you want to attack or make assumptions from what people post, go do that elsewhere. Therefore I’ll be deleting rude Anonymous posts. That is all.
yeah get a profile anonymous
Hong – Stick to your guns!
haha! love this song
Anonymous comments are made by cowards with no backbone. Ignore them because they are invisible.
Recent Trends in Asian American Interracial Marriage Patterns
One of the most popular and controversial articles on my Asian-Nation.org site is the one on Interracial Dating and Marriage. This is a topic that has provoked much discussion and debate among Asian Americans through the years and continues to do so today. Within the larger range of opinions on interracial dating and marriage, many Asian Americans and non-Asians alike consider dating and marrying someone outside of your racial/ethnic group as a natural progression of Asian Americans becoming more integrated into the mainstream, while others see it as renouncing one’s Asian identity.
As the saying goes, you are entitled to your opinion, but not your facts. In that context, as a sociologist, I try to make an empirically-sound and objective contribution to this debate by presenting updated data and statistics from the 2010 U.S. Census American Community Survey (ACS) on the racial/ethnic marriage patterns of Asian Americans for both men and women and the six largest Asian ethnic groups. The full tables are presented in my Interracial Dating and Marriage page, but below is a summary of recent trends and changes from 2006, the last time I updated these statistics:
http://thesocietypages.org/colorline/2011/11/21/recent-trends-in-asian-american-interracial-marriage-patterns/
Good read. I love reading about IR relationship statistics, especially pertaining to Asians. I wish I could have used this info for a research paper I wrote a year ago on the perceptions of interracial relationships and television viewing habits.
Thanks Marisa! I agree 100%. Their words mean nothing hiding the way they are.
Thanks Jaymie! I’m definitely sticking to my guns on everything I say. I wish there was a “like” button lol.
As an asian guy, my advice to other guys (mainly asian guys) who find it offensive, or weirded out by interracial dating (mainly asian women dating non-asians) is to
A) to get over it, there’s a bazzillion other asian women that are lonely and could use your attention. why waste your time concentrating on one person when there is a sea of women. seriously, do you really want to date someone who is a size queen claiming physical size is everything. Let the “bigger man” deal with that mess. You have better fish to fry. I read this somewhere and it’s always stuck with me. “once you go black, we dont want you back”.
B) now if you really cant get over that ONE girl or teeny tiny minority of asian women inter-racially dating, get some game, grow some balls. if you want to go after them, figure out what they like and then add that part to your personality/characteristics.
most guys just stick with A and not realize it, but they just haw and hem about it everytime they see it. But in they end they just date within their race. And to the guys who do change, good for you! but even then they still usually date within their race. haha. But it cant hurt to up your game.
wow..where do i begin? I’m an asian guy and i have to say that i’m going to have to agree with the guy above me..me personally , i could care less about who you date.If that person makes you happy then more power to you. But at the same time, no matter how many times you say or like to think your not offending anyone by saying how you don’t like asian guys, IS offensive no matter how you try to put it..I don’t know how you see it, but if you look at your blog again, it is all about putting down asian guys..and if you just read the lines and only the lines with the bolded words, then you can pretty much understand how some people can be offended by this..i’ll tell you why you don’t think this blog is offensive is because YOU ARE NOT AN ASIAN GUY!! You are not the one being put down..Ever heard of the saying, “walk a mile in my shoes”? secondly pointing out that you don’t like asian guys is kind of unnecessary. Do you really need to put that out there when no one even asked you? I mean does it really matter and do you think people are going to give a damn in the end? The only time i can think of that would need you to point out this fact is when an asian guy hits on you, then you can tell him you don’t date asian guys..And that Gina Choe lady..whats up with her? If it is true about how the first thing out her mouth was “i don’t date asian guys” then it seems to me she thinks the asian male is somehow inferior and dating one would bring down her rep. its girls like that, who gives open-minded girls who date outside their ethnicity a very bad name..this blog also does have a slight tone of “Hey look at me!! I’m different!!”..but at the same time it also says “I need attention and the adulation from other people so i can feel better about myself”..maybe you wrote this blog because you’ve gotten so much bullshit due to your dating preferences, that this blog is also your way of venting a little..maybe growing up you were not hit on by many asian guys and you saw other asian girls or even your friends were being hit on and that was one of the reasons why you started to drift away from the asian crowd.i don’t know, i could be wrong..i believe there is more to it on why you have decided not to date asian guys, not just the reasons you listed in your blog..but in the end, this blog is a little offensive..You are not racist, but you do sound kind of bitter..anyways thats just what i think and i say good luck to you and hope you find that person you are looking for..
P.s. maybe you’ve already thought of this but being that this blog can be taken the wrong way and given the fact that this city does have a pretty tight knitted asian population that yes, this blog can and have garnered admirers, but it also can garner people who are saying you are bashing on the asian guys in turn not conducive in making more asian friends. Maybe a guy u met and who you are actually attracted to reads this blog will be turned off and will start spreading this around to his friends. Unless you dont care about making any asian friends then you don’t have anything to worry about. I’m just saying this blog can also be a hinder to your social life to some degree or another..just saying
From an Asian guy who respect your choice to date anyone you want.
Why do you have to play the race card? Why do you have to tell the world why you dislike asian men. I am an asian man I don’t care if you don’t like asian men. but no need to create a site and tell the world. Do you see me creating a website why I don’t like asian women. WTF.
Honey people having been dating outside there race for at least 2000 years.
When I date outside of my race, I never put asian woman down. I just say, I met this girl and I like her, I don’t go around and say how kool it is to be in some interracial relationship. Like it is some fad or the next kool car. Look at me, you should do the same. Its so kool. Why are you playing the race card? Just enjoy your man. Thats why asian men hate asian woman like you. Can’t you just date them and leave the asian man outside of the equation. Its awesome you found someone. Just leave us out of your conversation.
If you watch Gina choe on america next top model, the first paragraph she says on camera as an intro to national televise show. I don’t date asian men I only date white men. Why are you telling the whole world. Its like your gay and your coming out. If you like black guys thats great. Why do you need to talk about asian men and make comparison. its like you don’t like being asian, and by dating outside of your race, it makes you the kool different asian.
Why can’t you just say its awesome to date outside of your race and leave it at that. NO one really cares if you date outside of your race. You are not the first asian girl to date black. Its not that special. Like your dad said, its kool. I’m sure your dad wasn’t sitting there, wow its interracial how special is that. Lets build a blog and talk about it.
I dated a black girl. I introduce her to my mom the first week. And that was it. I did not go on the web post picture of us together, and tell the whole world whole kool it is and how special it is and Hey look at me, and throw in some comment about asian woman are not attractive to me. WTF is that BS about. You can tell your not happy about being asian and your trying to be different in a odd way.
Why can’t Asian girls like you enjoy your man, just leave the asian man put down out. Its like, its apart of your resume. i am different, I don’t like Asian men. How many asian men, do you hear say, I only like white girls.
Its obvious some strong desire to assimilate or to self hate. Like if I date outside of my race I am different and better, I am no longer a fob.
I could care less who you date and I wish you the best. But for god sake, can you not hate on asian men and just leave us out of the equation. No one cares if you like asian men or not.
From an Asian guy who respect your choice to date anyone you want.
Why do you have to play the race card?
Why do you have to tell the world that its so kool date interracial. Honey people having been dating outside there race for at least 2000 years. I done it myself its 2011 everyone does it.
When I date outside of my race, I never put asian woman down. I just say, I met this girl and I like her, I don’t go around and say how kool it is to be in some interracial relationship. Like it is some fad or the next kool car. Look at me, you should do the same. Its so kool.
Why are you playing the race card? Just enjoy your man. Thats why asian men hate asian woman like you. Can’t you just date them and leave the asian man outside of the equation. Its awesome you found someone. Just leave us out of your conversation.
If you watch Gina choe on america next top model, the first paragraph she says on camera as an intro to national tv show. I don’t date asian men I only date white men. Why are you telling the whole world. Its like your gay and your coming out. If you like black guys thats great. Why do you need to talk about asian men and make comparison. its like you don’t like being asian, and by dating outside of your race, it makes you kool and different asian. Its like its apart of your resume.
Its like me saying I like frank and I don’t like you. Why am I involve in this conversation. Its like some insecurity issue or some selfhate against your race. If you have a preference, enjoy it, no need to express it to whole world. You don’t see any asian brothers building website talking about how they are not interested in asian women.
Why can’t you just say its awesome to date outside of your race and leave it at that. NO one really cares if you date outside of your race. You are not the first asian girl to date black. Its not that special. Like your dad said, its kool. I’m sure your dad wasn’t sitting there, wow its interracial how special is that. Lets build a blog and talk about it.
I dated a black girl. I introduce her to my mom the first week. And that was it. I like her because she was hot and fun to hang out with. Not because she was black. It was never a race issue.
I did not tell my friend, she is black!!!….I just told its tamika. thats all. Brace yourself I am in an interracial relationship….hold on….world here I come….
I did not go on the web post picture of us together, and tell the whole world whole kool it is and how special it is and Hey look at me, and throw in some comment about how I am not attractive to asian men. WTF is that BS about.
I can tell your not happy about being asian and your trying to be different in a odd way.
Why can’t Asian girls like you enjoy your man, just leave the asian man put down out. Its like, its apart of your resume. i am different, I don’t like Asian men. How many asian men, do you hear say, I only like white girls and build sites about it or go on national television and express to the world. Its call self hate towards your culture not a preference.
Its obvious some strong desire to assimilate or to self hate. Like if I date outside of my race I am different and better, I am no longer a fob.
Honey I could care less who you date and I wish you the best. But for god sake, can you not hate on asian men and just leave us out of the equation. No one cares if you like asian men or not. Leave the asian man alone….