Getting to Know a Sperm-Donor Dad
Donor 150 just happened to be reading a discarded copy of The New York Times that Sunday. He choked on his coffee when he recognized the name of the sperm bank and his donor number on the front page of the paper. Fifteen months later, he contacted JoEllen and Danielle. It was a moment that they had fantasized about for a long time. That week, I wrote about their first phone call with the man who had supplied half of their DNA, now known to them by his actual name, Jeffrey Harrison.
Mr. Harrison, whose donor profile described him as a six-foot-tall actor who liked yoga and animals, lived in an R.V. in Venice, Calif. He had posed for Playgirl during his sperm-donor days, was an unabashed believer in a host of conspiracy theories and supported himself and his small menagerie with odd jobs. There are a growing number of donor-conceived children who are grappling with questions of identity and health risks, are seeking out their donors and lobbying to prohibit anonymity in sperm and egg donation. Yet the case of Donor 150 and his offspring lead one to question the value of transparency. One feels protective of Danielle and JoEllen, who used to look at men who fit their donor’s description in train stations, restaurants — indeed, anywhere — and wonder if that was their biological father. One also feels protective of Mr. Harrison, a gentle and kindhearted man who might be hurt by his unusual decision to reach out.
But the producers of “Donor Unknown,’’ a documentary being shown on “Independent Lens” on PBS, did not shrink from the situation’s complexity. The film, which had its premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival this year, follows JoEllen, Danielle and three other offspring of Donor 150 as they get to know Mr. Harrison. If it does not provide a pat ending, it does show a range of ways to forge family with a biological parent who is not what you expected. When she finally visits him in Venice, JoEllen is touched by the small presents Mr. Harrison offers. “Him coming forward and wanting to meet all of us and share his life with us means he’s more than just a donor,’’ she says. Danielle, who visited separately, sees her own sense of adventure as coming from her biological father, but also a cautionary tale of what might happen to her if she doesn’t choose a clear life path. Even Fletcher, one of the donor children who seems most adamant about holding Mr. Harrison at arm’s length (“I don’t think I’m going to carry on any sort of dad-son relationship with him,’’ he says) takes solace from the replacement of fantasy with fact about the other half of his genetic identity: “It’s not these crazy ideas that I created in my head anymore,” he says. And Mr. Harrison, who rises to the occasion as his solitary life is suddenly filled during the visits, sprucing up the R.V. and giving beach tours, seems pleased to think of himself as a “fun uncle.’’
This is all a bit hyper dramatic for me! There are plenty of adopted children in the world who never learn about their natural father or obtain a family medical history and they seem to be doing very well. Sperm donors have a right to privacy and never intended to have a “relationship” with the children that resulted from the sale of their sperm. It is nothing more than a simple business transaction. It is the responsibility of the mothers to explain that situation to the children. Maybe the wannabe moms should think long and hard about engaging in that type of activity and consider the consequences beforehand. Like I stated before, I think that it is a selfish act and unfair to the children who ultimately end up paying the price. Feminists are so quick to negate the significance of a male partner from the situation and this is what happens as a result. Chaos! Fathers are key to child development and without them children suffer greatly. I am sure that most sperm donors are “in hiding” and do not want to be thought of as a “fun uncle” to scores of young adults seeking them out. Many of them most likely are married and have their own family. They are entitled to that privacy. Is there nothing sacred left on this planet? If nothing else, maybe this documentary will enable people to finally see the light and put an end to the insanity of this practice!
Another thing, I am personally very insulted as an unmarried woman when certain individuals suggest to me (most often feminists and unhappily married moms) that this is an alternative to having children or a family. Newflash: If I ever wanted to be a single mom, it never would have been a problem as a sperm bank was never needed! Larry King even suggested being a single mom to Jennifer Aniston once! I think I speak for all unmarried women when I say that we have all had several chances to marry and have not found “The One”, didn’t need to blackmail or trick the man with an ultimatum and/or “surprise” pregnancy and didn’t want to settle like everyone else. That said, the sperm donor practice is NOT an alternative to having a family and against my faith, my family values and my better judgement. If and when you do marry and if you cannot have children, I was raised to believe that the honorable thing to do would be to adopt a child. I was also raised to believe that a child needs two parents and that it is a great deed of kindness to raise a child in need. Just be intelligent enough to realize that it is in extremely poor taste to ever suggest such a drastic measure to any woman. Believe it or not, many women are quite happy and fulfilled without having to reproduce themselves. Newsflash: there are millions of babies in orphanages who are malnourished and dying. It really blows my mind that a woman would rather pay for sperm from a stranger with the use of a “turkey baster” rather than help a child in need.
I hope this helps and I am sorry if this offends anyone. : )