Where are my bitches at? Where is the love?

“Relationships are impossible in New York City,” is a commonly-voiced complaint among women 21-50. Also heard often–“There is something wrong with the men here, with the dating scene. Women here hate each other.” Even with the rise and fall of the breathlessly-watched “Sex and the City,” the growing segment of permanently-single, career-minded women is clearly emerging…“Relationships are impossible in New York City,” is a commonly-voiced complaint among women 21-50. Also heard often–“There is something wrong with the men here, with the dating scene. Women here hate each other.” Even with the rise and fall of the breathlessly-watched “Sex and the City,” the growing segment of permanently-single, career-minded women is clearly emerging, as articles point to marriage becoming an outdated social relic. With all the choice around us, particularly in major metropolitan areas like New York, coupled with the possibility of constantly upgrading your mate, there is no longer an incentive for people to settle down. In my experience, as the legacy of failed relationships and exes loom behind, it becomes increasingly harder to find, “The One”, or the person we are willing to even cast in that role.

It’s not just money that makes the world go “round these days, but rather human “capital “, “social capital “, i.e. the “capital of love/friendship/relationships “. NYC has this great knack of assigning value to everyone depending on what they contribute to society. It breaks down to this.

a. money/looks/sex (sex appeal)
b. looks…again.
c. “coolness ” of career
d. “stability ” of career
e. does this person fit into the future I perceive for myself?
OR…and this is the telling question………..will my future change to fit this person???

It’s not just the traditional male-female relationships that are dying out. Developing in parallel to the increased competition of surviving in modern-day society is the toxic way women are being pitted against each other professionally and socially. We see the rise of “frenemies”, friends who secretly pray for your downfall, the rise of friendsterships (who really wants to be so highly connected these days?), and the demise of true friendship. Most people, when questioned, will claim only a handful of their friends as “true friends.” Many women will complain about girls being catty to each other. Many female acquaintances have attested to me time and time again how hard it is to be friends with other women, how former confidantes wage gossip-wars, information and misinformation being the weapons of choice.

People’s relationships are changing, as the world grows more complex and interconnected. With the rise of globalization, international travel is now a given in many career fields. This means less face to face time, the stagnation of friendships and of budding relationships. Forget actual phone calls… there is little time for that these days. Forget email. It’s all about Instant Messaging, texting, saying as much as possible in as little time as possible. There is so much noise, so much chatter in our environment, and everyone is connected by some sort of messaging device. Everyone is online. Everyone is connected. Amid all of these developments looms the question. Why are we feeling so alone?

People are so busy conquering the world and empire-building, that their personal relationships, not just those of romantic nature, are suffering. It is only in New York that girls will say to each other… “oh, shit… did you tell him you loved him? No wonder you aren’t hearing from him.” Since when did it become such a liability to love, or even care about someone? Why are we all tiptoeing around these commitment-phobic men who bail the second we hold them responsible for their callous actions? It’s as though once feelings are involved, once something feels real, it is time to get out.

With lengthened life-spans, and with the high divorce rate that surrounds us, our generation is delaying marriage, sometimes putting it off indefinitely. I recently told my friend Julie that I am in my early twenties, and already I feel like freezing my eggs and then eating them out of sheer frustration. I was only partially joking.

Yes, we are living longer, but the quality of life is diminishing. Rates of depression and mental illness are on the rise. It is no longer a stigma to have a shrink, or to be on some kind of mood medication. To love someone for the rest of their life is something that people will raise their eyebrows at with incredulity, rather than viewing it as an actual ideal to uphold. Couples who are “taking the plunge” and actually voicing their vows to each other are an oddity. People will congratulate them, and whisper to each other… “so how long do you think they will last? What are the odds?” Since when were beautiful things like relationships reduced to the type of conversation fodder more suited for racetrack betting?

It can be argued that a NYC relationship is rare and hard to find. Settling down and having families? Rarer still. Why is the phrase called “settling down” anyway. What’s so bad about it? I vote that we call it “settling up.” Relationships, committed ones, are good things, however hard they may be to preserve. To deny them would be to cease being human. The rise of the individual and individualism, this increased selfishness and desperation for self-preservation is responsible for the breakdown of our society. I was told recently that I had to put myself first, focus on myself, my career. But if we are all doing this… when is there time for love, compassion, and feeling?

So here’s where my theory lies: We’ve all become part of a self-written social script, and we are so busy following it that we are forgetting to live. It’s not bad to want to eat, to have sex, to enjoy someone’s company. Those are very human desires. It’s not bad to develop your own career, your sense of self, but also to really want someone to share your life with. I promise you it will get better. At least that is the promise I am making myself. So that happily ever after won’t remain as much a myth as it is a mystery to those of us who look to our parents’ generation and our own.

What’s next?

We can start changing it now though, by being nicer to each other. This is already starting to happen. You can see it in the hairstyles, the makeup. Two years ago, highlights were the rage. Now people are growing in their roots, using less/natural makeup. There is a trend now toward realism, and naturalism, toward being real, preserving those relationships that are actually worth keeping. I think marriage, and solidifying relationships, feelings, and all those things that people used to take for granted will come back.

I like to call things as I see them, and I make as few apologies as possible. Sorry if I ruffle some of your feathers, but I am not here to gain false accolades or fake friends. That being said, you can call me Calypso (from the Latin meaning literally: I am hiding). An expensive prep school education and an ivy-league degree left me with some marketable skills, a semi-normal bout of depression, and a whole lot of Latin and Classics. This is my background, so I apologize in advance if I seem pretentious. (there goes my resolution for not making apologies…strike one!) Honestly, it's just the way I write, and I want to dumb down and water down as little as possible. Thanks Asiance, for making this possible!!!!