I have an STD. There should be something called Monogamy
Talk about a stigma in the Asian community. I have an STD. I am forever tainted as a dirty whore, a dirty stupid whore, a stupid whore who has sex with a man unprotected. Even though he was tested and swore he was clean – “ I decided to have unprotected sex. But wait it gets better. My boyfriend and I were going out for a year and ½. It was 6 months into our sexual relationship when I decided I would have a protection free sexual relationship on one condition, he would get tested. Talk about a stigma in the Asian community. I have an STD. I am forever tainted as a dirty whore, a dirty stupid whore, a stupid whore who has sex with a man unprotected. Even though he was tested and swore he was clean – “ I decided to have unprotected sex. But wait it gets better. My boyfriend and I were going out for a year and ½. It was 6 months into our sexual relationship when I decided I would have a protection free sexual relationship on one condition, he would get tested. When his test came back negative, I was prepared for an all out gymnastics, sweat inducing sexual experimentation filled with truth or dares, haves and have nots and perhaps a whip and chain or two. We had amazing sex! Or so I thought. We had amazing sex but I didn’t think my amazing boyfriend would go out and have amazing sex with many others. Lesson 1 – “ Get tested regularly. If you are sexually active, every month. Lesson 2 – “ Use condoms.
It’s been 5 months since my life changed forever..In more ways than one.
How did I find out?
I started having problems when I urinated, having a burning sensation each time I went to the bathroom. I made an appointment to see my gynecologist. The morning of my appointment, I noticed these blisters that started to develop inside my vagina. I thought it was an irritation from a new soap that I was using. No such luck. After an exam and test from one of the open sores, I was told I had Genital Herpes. At first I cried, then I was enraged. How could he do this to me? And I trusted him. Not only was I lied to, betrayed and left emotionally shattered but I was left permanently scarred. I had to dump him.
One of my best friends stayed with a guy who had given her herpes. I don’t want to even explain my opinion of her at the time but she was not on my list of the most admirable women in the world. Now I was on her team. Lesson 3 – “ Don’t judge. Still, staying with my boyfriend was not an option for me. If he could openly and willingly cheat on me and give this to me, what else was he capable of doing down the road? Lesson 4 – “ Get rid of him. The sooner the better.
We had unprotected sex for about a year, when my intuition told me or so I thought, that I wasn’t the only one. Late nights at the office, weekends away on retreats from work and skipping out on our exercise schedule didn’t add up. I chose to ignore it. I thought it was just me being paranoid or crazy. DUMB idea! Lesson 5 – “Trust your intuition.
Now I realize he wasn’t concerned about my health, my feelings or my body. I beat myself up so many times thinking and rethinking the reasons he strayed. I soon realized it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. It wasn’t because I wasn’t the right girl for him. It was because he only cared about himself. Lesson 6 – “ Don’t beat yourself up. He went on to the next one and passed it along to her, if she didn’t have it already. Statistics for herpes: at least 45 million people ages 12 and older, or one out of five adolescents and adults, have had genital HSV infection.
Genital HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women). I am now a statistic.
Why am I telling you this?
I do not want you to make the same mistakes as I did. Protect yourself, or better yet wait. Always use protection. It’s hard to find a partner you can trust, which subconsciously I think is the biggest trauma out of all this. What’s even more telling is, I could’ve contracted Aids or HIV. Where did the generation of our Asian family values go? What happened to the relationships of my parent’s generation where couples had a mutual respect (okay maybe not all) for one another? I’m not saying we ought to be barefoot and pregnant but can’t we compromise? I still have not told my mother and I don’t plan on it. I can just see it being discussed by my Asian grandparents as a family tragedy.
As careful as I was, I still contacted an STD. Now, I need to rethink my plan in life. How am I going to date? What are my options now? Do I join a dating service specific to people with Herpes? What if I find a great guy; I would want to tell him..then I risk losing him. Who would want to date someone who had Genital Herpes? What if I get pregnant one day? Can my baby contract it? Lesson 7 – “ Learn the facts so you are not misled and waste valuable energy and positive thoughts. Click to read some facts on herpes
Unfortunately I got caught up in one of the more rampant diseases of our generation. Perhaps there is a reason why God (or whatever higher power) invented Monogamy. If we got married or committed to one sexual partner, would an STD be an issue? Probably not. Think about it and make sure nothing throws you off your path to excellence because something like this will be a stumbling block. Lesson 8 – “ Take a deep breath. It is not the end of the world. You’re in good company.
Nancy Lee is a new dating and relationship, sex columnist. She will be writing on her experiences throughout her dating career. A recent graduate of Boston University, Nancy has seen it all. The purpose of her column is to educate and inform young women, through her own life experiences, on the trials and tribulations of being a young woman in today’s dating world. Nancy hopes to connect with the readers and hopes the women (and men) can identify with her experiences. Hey – “ It’s hard out there for a pimp! She looks forward to your feedback. Name changed for obvious identity purposes. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to leave at the bottom or send her a private email at nancy@asiancemagazine.com
The question of the hour – was he white?
It was an Asian guy. A white guy wouldn’t do that to an Asian woman..
How do you know Jennifer?, you are not the writer of this article. There are white, black or hispanic guys who do this and sleep around many women and think there are invincible and spread STD to their partners. This is what happens when you have unprotected sex. I am sure the are knucle head Asian men who do this but most Asian American men are culturally conservative and aware as we have statistically have a higher unmarried rate.
I will give this Nancy credit to write this article and educate us about getting tested for STD if you want to engage in sex with a attractive partner even if you think she looks clean. Better safe than sorry.
Hi everyone,
Thank you for the feedback. I love that you post comments to my article. I will say that the man who gave me herpes was Italian Indian. So yes he was Asian. I did not feel the need to include what race he was because it does not matter. STDs do not discrimate, therefore neither should you. Please see a great article that was recently published in The Wall Street Journal on the rise in cheating among 20 year olds. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122782458360062499.html?mod=googlenews_wsj Kinda sad
the same thing happened to me. only i’m still with him. sometimes i feel that i won’t find anyone else. and you know what? it really is humiliating for it to happen to me as an asian woman. we are raised with such protection and conservatism. i feel like i betrayed my parents, my religion and my entire way of life. i sometimes feel that i can’t leave. sometimes i don’t want to. i’m very confused…i know i love him, i know i hate him for what he did and i know that i don’t trust him. but does this mean it can happen again? mine told me he blacked out and doesn’t remember it happening…he said he felt “funny” the next day. then he didn’t tell me what he “thinks” happened until after he slept with me. i wish i had at least had had a chance to choose to be with him or not. i dont know…there doesn’t seem to be a safe way out. it hurts if i stay and if i go…oh and by the way he is white.
The biggest lie of the 21st century is that ANY kind of companionship is good as long as there’s a warm body nearby. Look at what he did to you…
Don’t you think you deserve better? I understand that you have feelings for him, but you’re acting like a battered wife.
You really need to dump him..There’s no telling what he will do now. Plus he now knows you’ll take this from him and will really treat you like garbage.
Hey JD and Nancy, I read this article and first let me stay as a man in general, Those little boys (and I am putting the empthasis on the word LITTLE), really should have their abliity to reproduce taken from them for playing russian rollette with your lives. Frankly, they should be charged with committing a terrorist act for what they did was a equal amount of a terrorist act and not caring about the both of you. JD, I’m with the rest of the posters, dump the uncaring bastard. He has shown no remorse for what he did and you did NOTHING WRONG. I’m glad that you did not get HIV or AIDS and he should know that if he knowingly he had the AIDS virus and he had sex with you or Nancy, he Would be looking at federal charges. Keep your head up JD, you will find that man who will treat you with the respect you deserve. To Nancy, again thanks for responding to my other post and I want to stay the same thing to you like i said to JD: Keep moving on. You should not let that idiot put your life on hold because he wanted to be greedy and have cake and eat it too. You did bring serious knowledge to the posters and I hope that you continue to do so.
Brandon, why are you white knighting? You know she won’t sleep with you because you’re acting like a proper white gentleman standing up against the lesser.
Brandon is African American, therefore not White knighting. Read his posts.
We’re not “your” women. Excuse me? Are you joking? No man or woman of any particular race belongs to the opposite sex of any particular race. Get into the world we’re living in.
All the same. All non asians want to steal our women. Besides, guys without jobs aren’t attractive.
Hi Jennifer and Andrew, I was reading the latest from post from Nancy and I was cracking up about her olde to the NYC ManHoes HO HO Hoes lol. Anyway I wanted to post about the debate of me being “white knighting” and if a certain person is wondering, why I’m posting on an Asian Womens’ magazine website. First let me get to point 1. As Jennifer has stated,I am a African American male who read Nancy’s article which I felt was a wake up call to ALL MEN and WOMEN. I wanted to show love to both Nancy and JD that they DID NOT do nothing to deserve a death sentence on their lives just because the uncaring bastards wanted to have one woman and have a harlem of other females on the side. I don’t know what “white knighting” is, but the way I was brought by my parents (especially my father and other male and female family members) is to respect women, period. When I read Nancy’s article, I felt that she was trying to imprint wisdom about how we, society in general goes about risky sexual behavior. As a former HIV\AIDS prevention education instructor in college, I appreicated her story as too many college students 18-25 and up are increasing get STDs or worse HIV\AIDS just because they were ill-informed and judge that a mate was diseased-free. I say again to the Nancy JD and any female posters who is going through what these ladies went thought, I say DON’T GIVE UP. Now to you Andrew, my misunderstood friend, (yes I said misunderstod), I was showing believe it or not, geniune respect for Nancy and all females when I posted. I’m not here to disrespect anyone but I was NOT in any way trying to get Nancy, JD or any woman posting to sleep with me. Andrew when you make uninformed statments like “Brandon, why are you white knighting? You know she won’t sleep with you because you’re acting like a proper white gentleman standing up against the lesser.”, you are insulting not just these women but also men in general. In fact I felt like many of my asian brothers ( or any non-asian man)who do the right thing when a asian woman is being treated as a person with no self worth are THE REAL MEN. I’m not trying to as you state “commit the act in being a non asian male stealing asian females as you have state “All non asians want to steal our women.” Frankly, I think that you have some misleading thoughts about me which I will clear up for you. First let me say this:I’m a college graduate with both Associates and Bachelor of Science degrees in Criminal Justice. Second to answer your second comment, “Besides, guys without jobs aren’t attractive”,I DO have a job, I’m a placement data specialist with my states’ Juvenile Justice Department and before my current position, I was a intake officer and a juvenile probation officer. If you still think that I’m a white guy Andrew, I” will set up a profile on asiance.com and post my picture so you can be assured of who I am. Andrew, I have NO grudges with you and think that you are an intelligent man who can I agree to disagree on different issues. I’m going to take this opportunity to make peace with you because I dont see anything productive quarrelling like little kids on the posts. Respect my right to agree/disagree and I will do the same. Again Jennifer, thanks for making it clear about my ethnicity. Take care all, peace.
Do you live in the same world as Jennifer Martin, where asian men are disgusting and intentionally give asian women herpes, according to her words? (see post #2) A white guy would never do that, again according to her.
You’re really messed up, you know that. Spew your racists garbage elsewhere, oh wait, never mind, this is the ideal place.
btw, the term white knighting is a colonized mentality that isn’t necessarily race specific. It is the bloodsource that fuels this magazine.
Don’t hold all women as victims,flowers and saints. The can be devilish and manipulative too. It goes both ways for the two sexes. Differentiate between the liers, cheaters,sluts and whores and real, honest and responsible individuals.
I can only speak as an Asian male, I do not have any sexual diseases as well as the other Asian Male friends I know. Hey Andrew I am sure brother, you want to say you do not have any STD’s too. I hate to say this but no self-respecting good and clean man would want to marry an diseased woman and get intimate with her in a long term relationship as they could dump her fast and find a good clean woman. Nancy (not your real name) It takes two to tango and you have to accept the consequeces of your actions and sexual relationship. There are alot of men out there who are male pigs, but women can can be liers and cheaters too. Let’s be equal!
Thanks Brandon – My thoughts exactly. I was just trying to share my story and warn other women and men, perhaps. To Don – My point of the whole story. Don’t trust anyone and protect yourself.
Don, I agree with you that not all women are saints. However I was showing respect to Nancy that despite she take a dangerous risk, she had the guts to speak up her situation and to warn others about the consequences. I’m not saying exclude nancy from her resposiblity of what has take place, I am saying not many men and women (especially women) to my knowledge would speak up about the negative impact of sexually transmitted deseases. Don you are right that both parties should take responsiblity for their actions, but at the same time when Nancy or anyone warns others about the dangers of STD’s they should get respect for doing so. That is all I’m saying man, but thanks for your advice. I do examine both sides of the story on any topic and I would like to hear this guys’ side also. Until he makes his side clear, Nancy did the right thing to inform the posters about the results of risky sexual behavior.
Nancy, you DID inform us.When It comes down to cut and run from serious topics like this or gathering strength to help others, there is no perhaps. You took the high road and the posters are going to be better for it.
I thought a little bit about your comment and I just wanted to ask you, what do you think I was guilty of? Trusting someone. kinda sad don’t you think? As paranoid and cautious as I was, I still got it. At some point, you would think that you would like to have a normal relationship and trust your partner. Unfortunately, that was not the case for me..People like you can judge me for whatever you want but I wrote the story to try to show the different side. The victim’s side.
I do not mean to demonize or ostracize you personally. I am sure by an large you are a good and honest person, but perhaps there is something you are not revealing about your past relationship with your ex-boyfriend in this post. Remember I gave you props to inform us of getting test for STD’s before getting into a sexual relationship. I do stand by my previous posts opinions.
Even Brandon agrees with me that the man and woman should take responsibility for mutual sex and the consequence. Accept your mistakes and rise above this victim condition and perhaps stay celibate. Being a female victim is getting verbally and physically abused by a man or getting pregnant and dumped by him. It’s hard as I said because like I said I would feel adverse to a woman I had feelings for who had herpes like you.(which is incurable) as in the back of my head I could find a D/D free woman like myself as I want to get married to a beautiful woman and have children. Stay positive Nancy as this is not a death sentence peace to you Sister.
Don, I read your recent post and I wanted to say that while I agree with you on the fact that both men and women must take responsibility to prevent Herpes and other STDs, I must point out that I too want to hear from this guy as well. I believe that he must share the load of the majority of the blame since while Nancy did make a mistake, HE was the one who decided that having more than one woman was not enough for him. I just wanted to make it clear that I agree with you on both parties should take responsibilities in safe sex, but I believe that this guy decided to be a “player” and acted like a man whore. Like you, I want to hear his side too, but until he post, I believe that Nancy has strong credibility. In closing, I both agree and disagree you, brother and I don’t think that you were in any trying to demonize nancy. Peace to you and all.
See here’s the problem I’m having. If you think trusting someone was my “mistake” then that is pretty sad. Where will relationships go without trust? I’m not acting like the victim. I just want to educate other women. Why do you want to hear his side? What do you want to hear? oh I wasn’t thrilled enough in bed so I cheated? I’m curious
You come across as self-righteous moralist here on this Asian forum as even I agree with your last post. I challenge you to post your same views on a black community forum too. Back in the day I used to hang around black male co-workers who off hours were in that player dating game attitude with women. Back then I envy them as they were scoring with hot women, but I grew older and wiser since then. I am not saying all of them are like that but there is a sizable number who still do this player dating games today and unsafe sex practices. Nancy, it seems you cant take criticism or responsibility for you sexual behavior. Even you said you made a mistake of not using protection. Yeah I think your ex-boyfriend is also responsible, but do you want to sue him in public. You know it takes two to tango. The question becomes what do you do know. Stay celibate. 45 million with herpes in the US alone and not including the people with AIDS,syphillis or gonerrhea is enough to scare us D/D free singles here. I doubt it is this high back in Asia. Do I have to go back to Asia -in Indonesia, Singapore, Malaysia or China to find my beautiful wife or are there still good clean Asian women here.
Nancy, The reason why I wanted to hear the ex’s side was to know how having this disease has affected his life and hopefully he would educate guys on the importance of using safe sex practices and making responsible choices with the women he is involved with. To Don, As I said on my last post to you, I agree with you on resposibility on both sides to prevent STDs, but I disagreed with you on the opinion that Nancy brought this on herself and the ex should not take any responsibiity at all. Don, you also mentioned that I should post my views on a black community website and in the past I have done so and will continue to post on any website that covers sexual health and dating relationships regardless of race, or sexual orientation. I’m not posting here to start hatred or to be self- rightous or moralist. I’m like everyone else, no way in hell close to being perfect, just trying to be sucessful in life. If I have come off as a self rightous person to you Don or any other poster on this site, I’m sorry for doing so as my only intent was to comment on articles like Nancy’s that inform people about dangerous sexual practices. Don, like you I had black white, asian and latin co-workers who have put on the “player’ persona to hook up with hot women. Like you I was envious of their success, but as I got older and wiser, I learned that the player persona is nothing but childish games and guys who engage risky sexual practices. Don, again my friend, I did not mean to disrespect you and if I did, I’m sorry, Lets put aside our disagrements and learn from what nancy has written. To Nancy, I was posting to see if your ex would do what you have done to inform male readers and I offer my apologies to you too if I was inappropriate in asking about you ex.
NONE in the least. If it isn’t apparent by him easily spreading it to woman after woman, especially when one was so paranoid, then I don’t know what else to say. Who cares how it has affected this selfish ass. It would be nice to hear but someone who feels no guilt after the situation will most likely not care to tell his story. It’s nothing to him. I’m working on my latest column. I think you will like it. Thank you for asking questions. Perhaps, if not him, some other man who was in this situation could come forward and explain.
Nancy, I will be looking forward to reading your next piece. 🙂 I just hope that my last post to both you and Don would not strain anyone’s patience. As I stated in some of my previous posts I am a former HIV/AIDS prevention educator who take articles like yours seriously in hopes that the readers take a step back and think before they commit riskly sexual behavior. I still agree with don about both parts taking resposiblity and wishing you the best in life, but to hear about STDs from a guys’ POV would definitely help bring the point home. Enjoy the new year and be safe.
Nancy – Sorry that this happened to you, but it takes courage to share your story. Thanks for doing that, and you have helped untold others by doing so.
Remaining celibate is a sign of strength. Otherwise the person is weak in virtue and/or weak in willpower. Possibly there are esteem issues as well. In this day of std’s, especially hiv…a person, male or female, is playing Russian Roulette with their health and even their life if the don’t remain celibate. That you compromised yourself and ruined yourself (you are definitely tainted goods now) and potentially robbed yourself of a REAL man who could be your true love is sad. Just think…should you ever have a baby…this child may have to pass through a “blistering” delivery. Think. It isn’t rocket science.
I agree with you! Thanks for the reminder!
An AA female professor at Boston University recently published some disturbing STD results about Asian Americans. Asian American women have significantly higher STD rates than White women, and also 4X more STD’s compared to Asian American men.
http://www.bu.edu/phpbin/news-cms/news/?de…92&id=52827
http://www.bu.edu/ssw/about/facultystaff/faculty/profiles/hahm/index.shtml
This is an Asian American issue, since global STD rates show that in East Asia they are much lower and also no big difference in STD rates between men and women. Asian Americans need to stop cutting down on the Uncle Tom behavior most demonstrated by people like Michelle Malkin, Esther Ku, or Amy Tan. Asian Americans need to learn to love themselves more and stop thinking that doing anything to get a Caucasian boyfriend is some sort of social upgrade/acceptance in America. A quick scan of craigslist shows that AF are willing to engage in any manner of unprotected and extremely risky behaviors just to gain acceptance with their non-Asian partners.
I read about this. We’ll make a mention. Thanks!
http://greytherat.blogspot.com/2010/06/on-trolling-part-1-monday-december-15.html
This is “Andrew Choi’s” post about trolling here to make you all upset. Don’t respond to trolls.
omg what a LOOOOSSSSERRRR! Looks like “Andrew Choi” has alot of time on his hands in between his wacking off and asiance reading schedule. hahahahaha tool!
Watch out for Grace whore Hahm she is the biggest carrier of std’s!!!!!!!She is the girl in the city that f—ks and never sleeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rebecca, I know its three years since I posted, but I want to say thanks for posting that link. Too bad we know now that “andrew was not really who he said he was but some ass who fits the not suitable to post bag of crap who wanted some thrills.To Nancy, LTNR! been a while but going to check out asiance for more of your wit;) Peace and love to all this holiday.
Thanks for the post Nancy. I commend your openess and putting aside your feelings and using this to educate others. Your principles are still really relevant for today. Just like you said, herpes isn’t really bad when you learn about the facts, I want people to also realise that its manageable and can be treated with very little side effects. thanks for the post
Condoms are very effective as compared to other forms of contraception. There are many other contraceptive methods, which involve using spermicidal and chemicals as well as withdrawal. Condoms are the perfect means that sexual practices without risk of executing a natural sexual stimulation. Presently, there are so many brands available in the market. Get a condom on your choice so that you can have greater sexual satisfaction and pleasure.