The Naked Dudes of Chatroulette

Last week I visited Chatroulette, a site that brings a random cavalcade of complete strangers into your home, via live webcam, from anywhere in the world. A male friend volunteered to serve as stenographer and virtual security guard.

We decided to lead with me on screen and my pal off to the side typing responses. Word to the wise — your sound can be transmitted, so make sure you turn it down if you just want to type. We found that out the hard way. That said, it is interesting and racy. No one told me it should be called the Weenie Show. Seriously, I haven’t seen so many weenies since the Pet & Pup Parade.

In the first half hour I saw (in honest-to-God order):

1. One guy from Turkey, completely dressed and normal-looking. Not a bad start.
2. Penis #1. Well, I knew one had to eventually pop up. No face, just random penis from random guy.
3. Weiner #2. Same MO as penis #1, but CK red satin boxer shorts. I couldn’t decide which was more offensive, the weiner or the shorts.
4. A cute girl — oh wait, it’s an advertisement loop for porn.
5. Another schlong (completely boring after the first three, I assure you).
6. A dude dressed like a lady who definitely needed some fashion advice.
7. A Gabourey Sidibe (“Precious”) look-a-like — could be a loop.
8. A guy in a mask, with ski goggles. At first I thought it was a gas mask. Not sure what the intended fashion statement was, but it came off as Boba Fett.
9. A cute dude from Amsterdam. His first sentence — “Show me your tits.” Charming. I asked him for some hash.
10. Another teeny weenie (How many is this? I’ve lost count.)
11. A man from France attempting to practice English: “Streap tease please, streap.” Needs an English immersion class before you get to see the goods, Buddy!
12. A young couple, male/female, nude — another loop.
13. An old white dude in a hotel showing, guess what, his old white weenie!
14. A plain room with no one in it. (The curtains were by far the most interesting thing I’d seen all day.)
15. More adventures at the sausage factory — if I had a dime…
16. Another Frenchman with broken English. “Sexi, sexi!” To be fair — my French replies weren’t so good, either.
17. A different approach to just showing one’s genitals. This time it was the one-handed weenie and ball smushed together. Don’t ask.
18. No. 18 was the real freak: A seemingly nice, normal person. A man from Germany. We asked him who cut his hair, he said his dog. He could be dyslexic — maybe God cuts his hair? In any case, he was the first non-weirdo in 18 visitors. He managed to keep his pecker in his pants and not ask me to show my stuff the entire time. On Chatroulette, this passes for the height of sophistication.
19. Another peenie. Now I know what a hooker feels like — do they all begin to look the same?
20. A gang banger, a fine fellow actually. He was amenable. We got him to turn his music down, turn his hat around and then he showed us all of his tattoos — including one of his mother, Bianca. His sis hid in the background, afraid of us!
21. The last and final attempt at someone shocking us with their lack of penis girth. You’d think one wouldn’t walk their dog on the internet if it was the runt of the litter.

Hey — whatever floats your boat. If you’re a middle-aged Hispanic man wearing the latest bra and panty set from Lane Bryant, strut it, sister. That said, anyone using Chatroulette is potentially gambling with their online safety. (This is especially true for children. Let your kids on Chatroulette? Uh … no.) While the physical remove might suggest it’s harmless, Chatroulette images can be captured by the stranger you are talking to. Do you really want your naughty bits to be the next internet sensation? And please, don’t give out any personal information out such as your address, phone number or email. Even if you find a No. 18, remember they’re still a random stranger sucked in from the vast ether. Ted Bundy was charming most of the time. Some people will say or do anything to gain your trust.

Will I do Chatroulette again? I’m guessing no. I have little patience for the penis-to-person ratio. That being said, maybe there’s a nice guy in Germany whose dog cuts his hair — and he’s out there waiting for me.

An actor and women’s safety advocate, Candace Kita is the author of “The Hottie Handbook: A Girl’s category_ide to Safety.” As a safety specialist, Candace has been interviewed by People, Good Morning America, the Jay Leno Show, Inside Edition, the Los Angeles Times, 48 Hours, the LOGO Network and WHO Australia.