Friday the 13th – Trick or Treat

Around this time last year my best friend (a former actress) and I were discussing what we were going to dress as for the annual Halloween soiree. I decided that I was going to be my “dream man” as it would be a one of a kind and he is no where to be found. She thought that was “brilliant” which is why she continues to be my best friend. She proceeded to ask me for the list of criteria that this individual must possess. As a graduate of the Lee Strasburg Theater & Film Institute, she is a very intuitive woman.

A few weeks later on a Friday after work, we found ourselves sipping saketinis at a hip restaurant/lounge in midtown Manhattan where the future “Masters of the Universe” convene.

After a few drinks, I saw a physical depiction of my “dream man” making his way toward us. He asked if we wouldn’t mind if he joined us and told the bartender to put our drinks on his tab, along with another round. Not only was this guy my ideal physically and on paper (MBA, Executive Management position at a top financial firm, great family) but he was also a gentleman. Chivalry isn’t dead after all?! He told us that he was supposed to meet some colleagues from work and they were running late but that he would rather be at home watching “BIG BANG THEORY.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! That is my favorite television show! This guy already had me at hello!

We hit it off immediately! To my amazement not only was Big Bang Theory his favorite show but House, Fringe and the Fox News Channel were all his faves. How could this be? That is all I ever watch with an occasional episode of GLEE. Then, as the conversation progressed, he asked me what music I enjoyed. I told him that I loved rock, classical and jazz. At which point he revealed that Ludwig von Beethoven was his favorite classical composer of all-time. Beethoven happens to be my favorite as well. It gets better. I absolutely love Eddie Van Halen and own at least 10 shirts with the Van Halen logo on them. When I asked him about his favorite rock group he said The Grateful Dead but added that Eddie Van Halen is the greatest electric guitarist of all time and he has attended many of his concerts. He asked me if I had ever heard of this really cool band called Moonalice at which point I was convinced that God sent this man to me. I have been on the mailing last for Moonalice and am a huge fan of Roger McNamee, the band’s founder and lead singer and guitarist. When I told him that I bought the first hit CD called “IPO” he looked at me as if to say “Where have you been all my life?”

“I know.” I said, “And I’m exotic too!”

My suspicious nature still got the best of me, so I ventured on with more questions. The next topic was Movies. I figured if he passes the Movies and Arts categories then this guy was truly meant to be. I personally think that Woody Allen is a comical genius and a phenomenal movie director. I asked him what he thought of Woody Allen. He replied with the correct answer by stating that he was a true movie master and that his favorite film was Take the Money and Run. I nearly fell off my chair. That was one of his original films and number one choice. Does this guy have ESP?? I don’t have any of this information anywhere to be found on-line. I know that I am gorgeous, popular and have stalkers but this is ridiculous!!!

Next on to the Arts.

When I told him how I am a member of the Frick Museum, The New York City Ballet, Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Metropolitan Opera House, he amazed me with his in-depth knowledge of my favorite artists; Van Dyke and Vermeer, ballets; Sleeping Beauty and Swan Lake, and operas; La Traviata and La Boheme. This man was PERFECT! An actual male version of moi?! How could such an exquisite specimen actually exist?? He was even a health food nut and loved to shop at Mrs. Greens and Whole Foods. It was destiny. I finally found myself – in a man. Before I realized it, he had his hand on me knee and the chemistry was mind-blowing. The electricity could have serviced all of New York City that night. We immediately made plans to meet the next night for dinner at NOBU. Of course, I wanted to attack him that night but this guy was Mr. RIGHT and I had to proceed with caution.

That night, I felt as if I was walking on air – I was the main character in a Walt Disney Movie, the birds were singing, the city was a beautiful clean oasis with friendly, well-behaved and kind-hearted people. Love is the best aphrodisiac in the world! As soon as I arrived home, I immediately began to contact my thousands of friends on Facebook to share the wonderful news that I think I met my match aka dream man.

When I activated the profile of my best friend, I noticed an oddly familiar photo of one of her friends. To my surprise, it looked very much like my Mr. Right, the man I thought was destined to be my future husband. When he approached us at the bar, they appeared to be strangers. I further examined this photo and researched his background on the internet with a vengeance. As it turned out, he was a former actor at the Joe Papp Theater at the same time as my “former” best friend of more than a decade ago. My face was red with anger and my heart was racing a mile a minute. My dream just shattered into a million little pieces.

Was this some sick prank? Why would my best friend do such a thing to me? I started to think of anything she held against me. Then it came to mind. I once had a short dalliance with a man who she felt she was in love with and was her soul-mate. He and I both promised to keep it a secret but it got back to her through the grape vine and she said she forgave me, after about a year of not speaking. I guess this is her way of getting revenge. She really never did get over it because she still talks about him, despite my attempts to berate him.

After a night spent crying hysterically, I set out to take charge of the situation at hand. Fully decked out in my Victoria’s Secret wonder bra, a red Diane Von Furstenburg dress and my black suede Manolo Blahniks, I set out to meet my make believe dream man at NOBU. As I expected, his eyes popped out of his head at the sight of me, along with the rest of the red blooded males at the restaurant. I greeted him with a hug and a kiss and then started to order the most expensive items on the menu. Throughout the conversation I probed him for more information just to see how far he would go to try and convince me that he was my perfect match. I have to admit, he certainly did do his homework and was a very talented actor. Either that or he was a schizophrenic. Just when he looked like he was seriously hooked, I dropped the bomb. He tried to deny it but I had too much evidence. I printed out all of the evidence and pulled it out from my Hermes Birkin bag. You know, the one that looks fabulous on me.

The look on his face said it all. He then proceeded to tell me that it started out as a favor to my best friend but he really did fall hard for me and loved everything about me. He was going to tell me when the time was right.

When? like after he had the night of his life with me?

I told him that the feeling was mutual until I discovered that he was a FRAUD! I could never have feelings for a liberal, who is uneducated, a fan of rap music and enjoys getting hammered while watching spectator sports. I really felt sorry for him when I saw the look on his face, but that was his misfortune. It was a cruel joke and although he was my fake paper match ideal, he was the antithesis of me.

As I got up to leave the restaurant, I laughed to myself and thought this may have been the best lesson I’ll ever learn. Some things are best left unsaid.