Who They Are

Insidiously, over the last decade or so, a new and disturbing creature has oozed onto the dating scene – the Pick Up Artist.

Generally characterized by their adherence to the general idea that women can be ‘programmed’ into having sex with them, these odious males tend not to be interested at all in any kind of fulfilling connection with another human being, and seek only their own satisfaction through one-sided sexual experiences. They are best avoided by any self-respecting female, and no male should aspire to emulate them.

Disturbingly, however, The Awl recently highlighted a worrying trend for Asian men to turn to PUA techniques in the belief that this will “transform the Western image of Asian men from asexual nerds into shagworthy dating material”.

If you are a heterosexual woman, then here is a brief category_ide to what PUAs are, and why you should avoid them at all costs. If you are a man, and considering becoming a ‘PUA’, then read on, and think again.

Who They Are

The Pick Up Artist community is generally considered to consist of males who have proven failures at interacting normally with women. Maybe they have poor social skills, or low self-confidence, or a history of feeling and being treated as though they were in some way inadequate. As such, they often turn to the PUA community as a way in which to gain something which they feel they cannot get through any other means.

Before being introduced to PUA tactics, they are often shy around women, and lack the confidence to date or even talk to them on their own terms. The PUA community changes all this.

PUA methods involve teaching vulnerable young men that women are thoroughly easy to manipulate, that they all think in a certain manner. It tacitly teaches them that women, in short, are lesser beings, weak-minded creatures who can be ‘programmed’ into sex by various techniques.

And if the techniques fail on a particular lady – well, the PUA simply dismisses her as a ‘defective’ woman Of course, this is untrue and despicable, but it is a popular view as it means that, whatever the situation or the outcome, it is never the personality, attributes, or general selfhood of the man at fault – it is either a problem with their ‘technique’ or some deficiency in the woman herself. It’s a cowardly message which entirely removes personal responsibility from these men when it comes to dating. It also gives them a tremendous sense of gender-superiority which naturally increases their confidence no end.

Confidence itself is very attractive. Dr Dal, a psychiatrist specializing in depressive issues, notes that “Self-confidence in people who have it inspires confidence in others”, rendering confident people enjoyable company. Thus even novice PUAs, heading out onto the streets imbued with a new sense of personal superiority over all women and bursting with consequent confidence will reap at least some benefits. However, this confidence and the attitude from which it is born comes at dreadful cost – especially when considered in the light of the ‘techniques’ taught with it.

What They Do

One of the techniques within a PUA’s repertoire is that of ‘negging’. This essentially involves a man insulting a woman. The New Statesman describe its aim as “to undermine a woman’s confidence by making backhanded or snide remarks – give a compliment with one hand, and take away with the other. It is about control, putting the man in charge of the interaction by pushing the woman to earn his approval”. This may seem as though it has no chance whatsoever at success, but unfortunately it systematically and deliberately taps into many insecurities and ambiguities which modern women face. It’s a sad fact that many people today are led to feel insecure about their bodies, their faces, their personalities, and their general attributes when it comes to dating. This is particularly true of women, who must pick through a minefield of culturally induced disapproval and judgement with every outfit worn, every word spoken, and every flirtatious gesture.

The general trend, alas, is always to blame the woman for a negative outcome. Thus, if she reaches out to a man she is considered ‘too forward’ and often thought to be ‘slutty’ even by one who engages in flirtation with her. If she refuses the advances of a man, or does not engage in flirtation she is ‘frigid’ and ‘boring’. Furthermore, women are frequently tacitly taught that their main value lies in the amount of interest they can engage within a man. Thus we have a situation where women are unsure how to behave in a dating context, unable to express their true desires (or lack thereof) for fear of being labelled, and gauge their own worthiness entirely upon the reactions of a male partner. It is precisely this situation which the PUA exploits for his own good. By criticizing a woman, he taps into latent insecurities and awakens in her a desire to prove him wrong. Contrary to what PUAs are taught, this desire is not based in any sexual attraction to the man himself, but more in a need for validation on the part of the woman. In a very insecure woman, this need for validation may lead to her sleeping with him. It’s unlikely to be a particularly fulfilling sexual encounter – the PUA sees her only as a vessel which exists to fulfil his needs – so if you find yourself trying to win the approval of such a man, get shot of them!

The Sad Consequences

Unfortunately, the indoctrination into PUA culture in many cases ensures that the men in question are unlikely to experience anything like a normal, reasonable relationship with a woman. They are also likely to get into embarrassing trouble. PUA techniques are all geared to one ultimate end – sex. Furthermore, the general disregard for women held by the PUA community means that many PUAs sneer at the idea of using condoms. As Salon Magazine have pointed out, studies by two different universities into the sexual and romantic relationships of PUAs discovered that “women who are charmed by [PUA techniques] are either interested in casual sex – or they’re sexist”. This makes total sense – no woman is entirely stupid, so despite what the PUA believes he is broadcasting, his desire for sex is blatantly obvious, as is his inability to form a lasting commitment. To a woman looking for casual sex, this makes him an easy, non-complicated lay. After multiple such encounters, the PUA believes his methods to be validated – but is also at considerable risk of STDs. STD Panels list “Having multiple sexual partners” as a major risk factor for the development of sexually transmitted diseases. Even if PUAs manage to keep their bodies healthy, however, their ability to connect emotionally with women will probably be damaged. The idea that women are programmable creatures, inferior to men, mars all male/female interaction from then on and makes a normal relationship nigh on impossible. This is very sad, considering that many young PUAs got into the game initially in order to find love.

Validation, Not Desire

Some PUAs recommend blanking the woman in which one is interested and talking to her friends instead – this, theoretically, inspires her to gain the validation which the PUA believes she secretly craves from him by going out of her way to attract his attention. When he ‘relents’, she is so grateful that she is willing to drop all morals and sleep with him. This technique was approvingly documented by Neil Strauss in his ‘infiltration’ of “the secret society of pickup artists” known as ‘The Game’ – a toxic book which actually endorses the techniques it claims to expose. The main thing which both men and women must understand about these techniques is that, despite what the PUA community claim, they do not induce any kind of desire for the PUA as a man or even as a sex object.

What they instead do (when they work, which they only do one exceedingly insecure and/or misogynistic women) is cynically and cruelly batter a woman’s self-esteem until she becomes so desperate to regain a measure of self-worth that she will respond in a positive-seeming manner to the PUA’s attentions.

Men, if you’re looking to develop a connection with a woman – or are a halfway decent human being – do not become a PUA. Women – ignore the PUAs and their negging/blanking tactics. Honestly, you’re better than them.

Contributed by reader, Emma Black