“Stick to your own kind”

My title is a line from the musical West Side Story, which centers on the friction cause by an inter-racial love affair. I am saddened by the friction I see reflected in the comments on asiancemagazine.com’s most-discussed piece, “A White Boy Speaks about Dating Asian Women.” Having dated White and Asian women and having married one of each [not simultaneously!] I have some expertise to offer here.

Two viewpoints predominate: 1. Stick to your own kind; hands off mine. 2. Date whom you choose, with my blessing.

Tribalism: stick to your own kind
Minority group members who want to date/marry within their group can see inter-racial dating as depleting the supply of eligibles for themselves. There is some truth to that, although those interested in inter-racial dating, but prevented from doing so, may not be as eager and “eligible” as the would-be same-race daters hope. A strong preference for, say, blondes, may not easily be converted to an eagerness to date brunettes, once blondes are prohibited.

Majority group members who want to date/marry within their group have less concern about a reduced number of eligibles, but–as parents–may oppose their children’s dating inter-racially, as may minority-group parents. My second wife is Tina Su Cooper, and both her Chinese-American parents and my Caucasian parents opposed our marrying, fifty years ago. Twenty-nine years ago, in 1984, they approved.

Laissez-faire: date and marry whom you choose
If you can choose from any group, your choices are more numerous than if you have to “stick to your own kind”. This provides opportunities for a better match than if you had fewer choices. If you do fall in love, the barriers to marriage are reduced. Frankly, though, it also provides opportunities for a worse match, as well, when the partners do not realize differences related to ethnicity/culture until after marriage.

Even if the two can transcend their differences, their relatives may not, causing problems. Their children may be less well accepted by either group than would children of a “homogeneous” pairing.

Whose business is it?
Of course it is the business of the two people who are dating. Their parents and relatives and friends also have an interest in how it affects the various inter-personal relationships involved, as well as–hopefully–having the best interests of the couple at heart. If a mixed-race relationship is going to cause great family discord, that should be taken into account, though it may well not be a determining factor. If one or the other or both will lose many friends, that is a shame, worth considering, not likely enough to veto the pairing.

Whose business isn’t it?
If you oppose inter-racial dating, you have the right to say so, to avoid it, to shun those involved. You do not have the right to attack them physically or harass them verbally.

If you favor inter-racial dating, you have the same rights and responsibilities.

None of us “owns” the members of our “group.” Stick to your own business.

The future
Over time, greater tolerance and more frequent inter-racial marriage will produce increasing numbers of mixed-race individuals, who will, of necessity, then be involved in mixed-race marriages. We can look to Hawaii as an example.

People should be free to choose.
Fortunately, I have seen society become more tolerant of such pairings since 1964 when Tina Su and Doug Cooper were tearfully parted…only to be married joyously twenty years later.

Douglas Winslow Cooper, Ph.D., is a retired scientist, now an author and writing coach. His first book, Ting and I: A Memoir of Love, Courage, and Devotion, was published in 2011 by Outskirts Press and is available from Outskirts Press and from amazon.com and bn.com.