Protecting Kids from Sexual Abuse (In the Name of Love 1)

Even though I once worked as a math teacher, helping students to feel more comfortable with numbers, I have found that there are some numbers that scare even me:

1 out of every 5 American women has been the target of a sexual assault, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

Every 2 minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN).

Almost 3 out of every 4 sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone the victim knows (RAINN).

In 1 of the churches that I used to pastor, I knew 10 people, now all adults, who had experienced sexual abuse as children. For some, the abuse happened at the hands of church members; for others, the abusers were family friends or relatives. In one confirmed case of abuse and two other suspected cases, I had to file a suspicion-of-abuse report with Child Protective Services. (As a pastor, I was a legally mandated reporter, much like teachers, health care workers, and child care providers.) In other cases, I got to hear some of the survivors’ stories in detail years after the incidents. Hearing the devastating effects they experienced deeply impacted me. One survivor was just 5 years old when she was abused.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, so it’s an especially appropriate time to consider practical ways to protect the children in our lives. Some things only parents or guardians should do, like educating young children in age-appropriate ways about sexuality. (For instance, it is quite healthy for even preschoolers to learn the words “penis” and “vagina,” and that their “private parts” belong to them alone.) But here, collected from abuse survivors, psychologists, and educators, are a few of the things we can all do, even if we’re not parents:

1. When we tickle children, once they say “no” or “stop,” we need to stop. We can thus help kids to learn that other people need to respect their “no,” particularly when it comes to their bodies.

2. If we’re babysitting, we can ask permission to wipe, wash, and dry a child’s private parts. (Obviously, this does not apply if the child is too young to understand.) Like #1 above, this helps kids to learn that they are in charge of their own bodies. It is important for parents to do this as well.

3. We adults should avoid asking kids to keep secrets, except for surprise gifts. This is because abusers frequently say, “Let’s keep this our little secret, OK?” It’s healthier to teach young kids that there’s nothing they should keep secret. This can help bring to light abuse in its earlier stages, should the children ever be victimized.

4. If we help with a community center, house of worship, or any other entity that engages in child care or children’s programming, we can push for criminal background checks to be routinely performed on all workers and volunteers. We can also advocate that each children’s class or group has more than one worker or volunteer present.

5. If a minor tells you that she or he is being abused, take the news seriously. Even if you just suspect abuse, follow up on your suspicions immediately and responsibly. It’s easy to rationalize events, thinking, “Surely it’s not possible that so-and-so could have abused a child.” We tend to shy away from such highly uncomfortable situations. But we must take protective steps, even if we merely suspect abuse. Here are some.

These steps may seem paranoid to us at first, but they really are wise precautions we can take because sexual abuse is so prevalent, and its effects so damaging.

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse or sexual assault, please know that what happened was not your fault. You are not dirty, shameful, or perverted because of it. And there are very loving and supportive people who want to help you, many of whom are themselves survivors of abuse or assault. You are not alone. Please reach out and find the help you need. Here’s how to start.

If you’re a survivor, please also know that what the perpetrator did to you was evil, evil, evil. Please do report what happened to the authorities. (Here’s what to do.) Sexual abusers and sexually violent people typically leave multiple victims in their wake. What happened to you will likely happen to someone else if they aren’t stopped and brought to justice.

Yes, this is a sobering topic. But there’s not an issue that we’ll ever discuss on the Raising Asian American Daughters blog that will be more important than this one.