Did Our Moms Get Anything Right?
After Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother hit bookshelves a couple of years ago, images like the ones above exploded across the Internet. The popularity of the Tiger Mom meme reflected the general public’s intense initial reaction to Ms. Chua’s book. But the discussion about Tiger Moms still provokes strong opinions within the Asian American community today.
Often, the discussion among Asian Americans focuses on the unhealthy, dysfunctional, and even abusive ways they were mothered. These conversations are usually one-sided, with many folks finding little good in Tiger Mommying. Few Asian American women even express that they want to be Tiger Moms themselves. It makes me wonder, then, on this Mother’s Day weekend, how many Asian Americans find it hard to sincerely wish their moms a happy Mother’s Day. In other words, how many of us say “Happy Mother’s Day” while wishing Mom had been a better mom to us? I can only guess, given my ignorance of any statistical data on the subject. Sadly, given the numerous chats I’ve had with teen and young adult Asians about their family dysfunctions, I’ll bet there are a lot who wish their moms a happy Mother’s Day with secretly mixed emotions.
If that sounds like you, my heart goes out to you. Parentally inflicted emotional wounds run deep. Things a mom or dad said or did decades ago can still leave us with bleeding hearts today. In truth, because no parent is perfect, every one of us has some kind of parent-wound, even if our parents weren’t what we’d consider true Tiger Moms or Dads.
But most of our moms and dads still did at least a few good things in their parenting. Perhaps those things can be hard to remember or to name. But it’s a rare situation that there is absolutely nothing that our parents got right in raising us.
Without minimizing the ways in which you’ve been hurt by your parents, I’d like to encourage us to approach this Mother’s Day by reflecting on what our parents, and especially our moms, got right. That is, what are the ways in which their parenting was healthy, empowering, or sensitive? It can make for a more meaningful Mother’s Day if we can appreciate what our moms did well, even as we recognize in our own hearts what they didn’t.
For some of you daughters of Asian America, it’s easy to think of something Mom did right. For example, one reader writes: I appreciate her 100% support in everything I do. Not everyone is fortunate to have parents like that, so I’m very blessed! And from another: My mother is the embodiment of generosity and compassion. Everything that I learned about kindness, I got from her. Indeed, if your relationship with your mom resembles that of these women, you possess something extraordinary.
Some of you Asian American women feel the tension more keenly between your mom’s strengths and weaknesses as a parent. One reader tweeted: My mom supports my need to travel and create art, even if she sometimes has trouble expressing that. She wishes she had traveled more.
Some of you have come to appreciate your moms more, even though that wasn’t always so. For example: I appreciated that she always knew what I needed to hear, even if I didn’t want to hear. Rest in peace, Momma …
And some of you really struggle to name anything your mom did right other than giving birth to you and feeding you as you grew up. Again, my heart especially goes out to you.
Whatever our situation, if our moms are still living, we can do our best to express our thanks to them. Naming the reasons why can make for a more meaningful Mother’s Day, especially if it helps us to say to our moms with greater sincerity, “Happy Mother’s Day.”
(Special thanks to all of you who answered my tweeted question, “What’s one thing you appreciate about your mom?” And to all you moms out there, “Happy Mother’s Day!”)