Is Honesty the Best Policy?

“A survey of 2,531 adults across the [United Kingdom] shows that we are a nation of liars, with just five per cent of respondents saying that they told the truth ‘at all times.’” So reported the U.K. Daily Mail Online of 5 March 2013. Would results for men and women in the U.S. be much different? Probably not.

British men averaged three lies a day and British women one a day, according to the study–if the anonymous respondents can be believed.

The Daily Mail article listed the top five fibs told by each gender. For men, these were: “Yes, I’ve done it.” “Sorry, I had no signal.” [Explaining not calling.] “I’m on my way.” “I didn’t see you had called/texted.” “I don’t look at other women.”

Significantly, all of these relate to not meeting expectations: to do, to call, to arrive on time, to ignore attractive others. When asked why they lied, about half of the men indicated they did so for convenience. Explaining his non-response to calls with an excuse seems kinder than, “I did not want to be bothered.” Safer, too.

For women, the top five were: “I’m fine.” “I’m on my way.” “It was on sale.” “You look really nice.” “Sorry, I had no signal.” We see that men and women had two of these in common in their top fives: “on my way” and “no signal.”

Let’s look at the three the women had that were different from those of the men:

1. “I’m fine.” Saying this when not feeling “fine” is hiding emotions and facts that might better be revealed if problems are to be resolved. Sometimes, though, one admirably does not want to burden others with one’s troubles.

2. “It was on sale.” Since this was lying at the time, who is kidding whom and why? If lying to herself, financial problems may lie ahead. If lying to him, relationship problems may be imminent.

3. “You look really nice.” This “white lie” makes its recipient feel better, makes the giver of the compliment feel better, and avoids unpleasantness. It does deprive the hearer of possibly good advice.

Women taking the survey indicated that often their lies were designed to spare the feelings of others and even more often to hide their thoughts or feelings. Sparing others seems nice, hiding from others…not so nice.

Three-fifths of the women regretted lying, but only a quarter of the men did. Ladies, beware.

An apparently bitter surveyed male noted that men may lie more frequently–as in, “I’m on my way”–but women lie more significantly: “The baby is yours.”

Our Truth-Telling Test: Your best friend shows you her homely baby, saying, “Isn’t she gorgeous?”
You say:

a. “She puts the ‘ugh’ in ugly.” Who needs a best friend?

b. “Beauty is only skin deep.” Seeming to be philosophical, you have escaped from evaluating, but you have not gushed enough for Mom.

c. “I know you must be so proud!” You’ve captured Mom’s mood while avoiding aesthetic appraisal. Clever.

d. “She has your eyes.” Hopefully, Mom’s eyes are at least passable. You have finessed talking about baby’s sub-par ears, nose, cheeks and/or chin.

e. “Do you think she looks more like you or like John?” Answering a question with a question often works…unless husband John is also homely.

f. “Did you see American Idol last night?” This weak evasion will not fool most people. For emergency use only.

g. “She’s gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!” Your friendship survives, although at least one of you knows you are lying. I would not do this, but I have few friends.

For a second, more common example, she models her dress and asks, “Do you like this color on me?”
“It’s a beautiful color,” you say, while thinking, just not on you. You then hope your friend does not go out and buy a lot of color-matched accessories.

More courageously, you might say, “I’d like it even better in red.”

More examples of socially acceptable non-lies abound. You can avoid prevarication by changing the subject, answering a somewhat different question, using ambiguity, fainting, etc. Unless your popularity is important to you, practice telling the truth in such instances to strengthen yourself for more challenging tests of your veracity.

Alternatively, “silence is golden.” If you cannot politely say nothing, plead nolo contendere, no contest: “I don’t know.” “I couldn’t say.” “I’m not sure.” “Perhaps.” Not every issue requires that you give your opinion.

In court, we are required to “tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth.” Outside of court, in our lives, “the whole truth” opens up several issues. What must you reveal? If the relationship gets serious, you need to be open about things that could surprise and disappoint the other person: prior engagements, marriages, divorces, children, crimes [!], STDs, major debts, sexual identity [straight, gay, bi-], etc. Follow the Golden Rule, treating the other as you want to be treated. Holding back essential information is not lying, but it is deceptive.

Be open, selectively. Openness is a virtue, but virtues done to excess become vices. You can give too much information [TMI]. You don’t want to hear too often, “I lost my signal…I couldn’t call you.” Remember, too, that “free advice is worth the price,” so ration it and your honest criticism carefully.

“A soft answer turns away wrath,” the Bible advises. True, but an honest answer more likely gets an honest reply; issues raised are more rapidly resolved, if they can be. When you have a well-considered opinion on something important, give it, candidly but diplomatically.

Meeting a couple you think should not be a couple, you ask yourself, “What does she see in him and he in her?” Good question. They may be deceiving themselves, as well as deceiving each other…dangerous for both.

Conversing is exchanging value for value. Those who give counterfeit thoughts and feelings are cheating. If both cheat, both lose.

Honesty is almost always the best policy.

Dr. Cooper is a retired scientist, now a writer, author and writing coach. His first book, Ting and I: A Memoir of Love, Courage and Devotion, was published by Outskirts Press in 2011 and is available from Outskirts Press, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble, in paperback and ebook formats, as are his co-authored memoirs The Shield of Gold and Ava Gardner‘s Daughter? His writer-coaching web site is http://writeyourbookwithme.com.