Pick Up Artists – What They Are, And Why You Should Avoid Them
Insidiously, over the last decade or so, a new and disturbing creature has oozed onto the dating scene – the Pick Up Artist.
Generally characterized by their adherence to the general idea that women can be ‘programmed’ into having sex with them, these odious males tend not to be interested at all in any kind of fulfilling connection with another human being, and seek only their own satisfaction through one-sided sexual experiences. They are best avoided by any self-respecting female, and no male should aspire to emulate them.
Disturbingly, however, The Awl recently highlighted a worrying trend for Asian men to turn to PUA techniques in the belief that this will “transform the Western image of Asian men from asexual nerds into shagworthy dating material”.
If you are a heterosexual woman, then here is a brief category_ide to what PUAs are, and why you should avoid them at all costs. If you are a man, and considering becoming a ‘PUA’, then read on, and think again.
Who They Are
The Pick Up Artist community is generally considered to consist of males who have proven failures at interacting normally with women. Maybe they have poor social skills, or low self-confidence, or a history of feeling and being treated as though they were in some way inadequate. As such, they often turn to the PUA community as a way in which to gain something which they feel they cannot get through any other means.
Before being introduced to PUA tactics, they are often shy around women, and lack the confidence to date or even talk to them on their own terms. The PUA community changes all this.
PUA methods involve teaching vulnerable young men that women are thoroughly easy to manipulate, that they all think in a certain manner. It tacitly teaches them that women, in short, are lesser beings, weak-minded creatures who can be ‘programmed’ into sex by various techniques.
And if the techniques fail on a particular lady – well, the PUA simply dismisses her as a ‘defective’ woman Of course, this is untrue and despicable, but it is a popular view as it means that, whatever the situation or the outcome, it is never the personality, attributes, or general selfhood of the man at fault – it is either a problem with their ‘technique’ or some deficiency in the woman herself. It’s a cowardly message which entirely removes personal responsibility from these men when it comes to dating. It also gives them a tremendous sense of gender-superiority which naturally increases their confidence no end.
Confidence itself is very attractive. Dr Dal, a psychiatrist specializing in depressive issues, notes that “Self-confidence in people who have it inspires confidence in others”, rendering confident people enjoyable company. Thus even novice PUAs, heading out onto the streets imbued with a new sense of personal superiority over all women and bursting with consequent confidence will reap at least some benefits. However, this confidence and the attitude from which it is born comes at dreadful cost – especially when considered in the light of the ‘techniques’ taught with it.
What They Do
One of the techniques within a PUA’s repertoire is that of ‘negging’. This essentially involves a man insulting a woman. The New Statesman describe its aim as “to undermine a woman’s confidence by making backhanded or snide remarks – give a compliment with one hand, and take away with the other. It is about control, putting the man in charge of the interaction by pushing the woman to earn his approval”. This may seem as though it has no chance whatsoever at success, but unfortunately it systematically and deliberately taps into many insecurities and ambiguities which modern women face. It’s a sad fact that many people today are led to feel insecure about their bodies, their faces, their personalities, and their general attributes when it comes to dating. This is particularly true of women, who must pick through a minefield of culturally induced disapproval and judgement with every outfit worn, every word spoken, and every flirtatious gesture.
The general trend, alas, is always to blame the woman for a negative outcome. Thus, if she reaches out to a man she is considered ‘too forward’ and often thought to be ‘slutty’ even by one who engages in flirtation with her. If she refuses the advances of a man, or does not engage in flirtation she is ‘frigid’ and ‘boring’. Furthermore, women are frequently tacitly taught that their main value lies in the amount of interest they can engage within a man. Thus we have a situation where women are unsure how to behave in a dating context, unable to express their true desires (or lack thereof) for fear of being labelled, and gauge their own worthiness entirely upon the reactions of a male partner. It is precisely this situation which the PUA exploits for his own good. By criticizing a woman, he taps into latent insecurities and awakens in her a desire to prove him wrong. Contrary to what PUAs are taught, this desire is not based in any sexual attraction to the man himself, but more in a need for validation on the part of the woman. In a very insecure woman, this need for validation may lead to her sleeping with him. It’s unlikely to be a particularly fulfilling sexual encounter – the PUA sees her only as a vessel which exists to fulfil his needs – so if you find yourself trying to win the approval of such a man, get shot of them!
The Sad Consequences
Unfortunately, the indoctrination into PUA culture in many cases ensures that the men in question are unlikely to experience anything like a normal, reasonable relationship with a woman. They are also likely to get into embarrassing trouble. PUA techniques are all geared to one ultimate end – sex. Furthermore, the general disregard for women held by the PUA community means that many PUAs sneer at the idea of using condoms. As Salon Magazine have pointed out, studies by two different universities into the sexual and romantic relationships of PUAs discovered that “women who are charmed by [PUA techniques] are either interested in casual sex – or they’re sexist”. This makes total sense – no woman is entirely stupid, so despite what the PUA believes he is broadcasting, his desire for sex is blatantly obvious, as is his inability to form a lasting commitment. To a woman looking for casual sex, this makes him an easy, non-complicated lay. After multiple such encounters, the PUA believes his methods to be validated – but is also at considerable risk of STDs. STD Panels list “Having multiple sexual partners” as a major risk factor for the development of sexually transmitted diseases. Even if PUAs manage to keep their bodies healthy, however, their ability to connect emotionally with women will probably be damaged. The idea that women are programmable creatures, inferior to men, mars all male/female interaction from then on and makes a normal relationship nigh on impossible. This is very sad, considering that many young PUAs got into the game initially in order to find love.
Validation, Not Desire
Some PUAs recommend blanking the woman in which one is interested and talking to her friends instead – this, theoretically, inspires her to gain the validation which the PUA believes she secretly craves from him by going out of her way to attract his attention. When he ‘relents’, she is so grateful that she is willing to drop all morals and sleep with him. This technique was approvingly documented by Neil Strauss in his ‘infiltration’ of “the secret society of pickup artists” known as ‘The Game’ – a toxic book which actually endorses the techniques it claims to expose. The main thing which both men and women must understand about these techniques is that, despite what the PUA community claim, they do not induce any kind of desire for the PUA as a man or even as a sex object.
What they instead do (when they work, which they only do one exceedingly insecure and/or misogynistic women) is cynically and cruelly batter a woman’s self-esteem until she becomes so desperate to regain a measure of self-worth that she will respond in a positive-seeming manner to the PUA’s attentions.
Men, if you’re looking to develop a connection with a woman – or are a halfway decent human being – do not become a PUA. Women – ignore the PUAs and their negging/blanking tactics. Honestly, you’re better than them.
Contributed by reader, Emma Black
This is by far the most intelligent, thorough, and well-rounded article on PUAs I’ve found online. I especially appreciate that you have written about the misogyny in this “community,” and that you’ve listed for men good reasons to not become a PUA.
I agree completely agree with you that some of these men are no doubt attracted to the PUA promise of being more successful with women in order to find love, but instead this promise seduces them into a culture of extreme woman-hating. Men are drawn or conned in, miseducated about women, and encouraged to develop even greater sexism than with which they are raised in society.
The men teaching these manipulation and mind-control techniques for men to use on women are no doubt also pulling a financially lucrative con on the men who buy their costly e-books and seminars.
Men who call themselves “Men’s Rights Activists” have joined with the PUA community, and are spreading their misinformation and hatred of “modern feminists” on the PUA blogs and comment sections. This is especially concerning given the number of men drawn to this community seeking to be more successful meeting women.
I would like to note that women taken in by PUAs are not necessarily insecure or sexist. I was taken in by one, who exploited the fact that, though people often remark on my confidence, including with men, I was vulnerable as a very plus-sized woman who has not been on the male dating scene for decades, faces immense size discrimination there, and was not looking for a serious long-term relationship (but also not a one-night stand).
This man (who I did not meet at a bar, online, or other dating venue) used techniques that I still have not fully figured out, to create incredible, immediate chemistry, followed later by an extremely cruel let-down half-way through our first date, which made me seriously wonder if he was pulling a string of mind-control techniques on me, because that is how it felt, and I still have not been able to fully identify. I now know that some of his techniques were deceptive mind-control methods. After the cruel let-down, I initially told him in no uncertain terms we were unsuited for each other, but had been so emotionally taken in by, and vulnerable to his obvious attraction for my large body, which I had never experienced before, that I continued to see him.
I now realize that because I had turned him down for sex on our first date, he proceeded to play extreme leading-me-on and jealousy-inducing games and disappointments over several weeks, continually keeping me dangling. Four months later, I’m still trying to figure out what games he played on me and to pick up the pieces emotionally. This sort of “breaking women emotionally” attitude, especially for women who are feminist, non-compliant, fat, or who don’t put out on the first date is heavily visible in the PUA online forums.
As mind-control authority, psychologist, and professor emeritus at Berkeley Margaret Singer wrote in her book, “Cults in Our Midst,” absolutely anyone can be taken in by deceptive mind control, particularly during a vulnerable period in their lives, because the orchestrated series of techniques used by the con artist are just that: *deceptive.* As you point out, the PUAs then re-frame their trickery as stupidity, desperation, and sluttiness on the part of the women, rather than cons (or similar) that these men would probably be just as vulnerable to if they had not been taught them.
PUA culture is dangerous for women because there is a growing population of men on the dating scene who are learning extremely misogynist attitudes, laced with sometimes violent teachings and online commentary, including to violate women’s boundaries, while learning and trying to practice deceptive mind-control on women, to isolate us from our friends, quickly use us for sex, and move on to their next victim. The online forums are filled with contemptuous and degrading comments about how dumb, slutty, and naive women are, and easy to exploit.
Every woman should google articles on techniques used by PUAs, and read some of the PUA blogs, to learn as much as they can about tricks and attitudes being promoted to use against them, and how the pick-up culture is becoming a mechanism for the spread of a return to conservative attitudes, increased misogyny, and even rape culture, amongst men.
The “thrill of the hunt” is fine for men because as with everything in this world, they get away with being psychotic stalkers. I had to put one or two “restraining orders” on certain men against my will because they were out of limits after several verbal warnings-they continued to pursue in an overly aggressive manner. This makes a woman extremely paranoid and scared going forward. When a man threatens your life, it is time to involve the Authorities. One thing that all of these “stalkers” have in common is that they have an exorbitant amount of photos of themselves either hanging on the wall, online, you name it! It would appear that they were all of Tom Cruise/Paul McCartney fame combined. It is never about you so don’t be flattered-it is about them getting whatever and whomever they want. I can name several incidents involving friends of mine that were considered “acceptable” because the man is supposed to be the “hunter.” One friend of mine was followed and threatened by the wife of a man who she knew to be single! I have had men in authority cross the line with me and get away with it time and time again. However, if as a woman you even reach out in response to that man’s pursuit of you, you are labeled as psychotic and a “fatal attraction.” They think that you are going to show up at their home and boil a rabbit in a pot. Men love to use this age old tactic to feed their huge egos. Hence, the pick-up artist/narcissist/nut job. I actually dated a guy who ended up stabbing a woman to death in Nantucket. Did I know he was off? Of course. Did he have too many images of himself and build a shrine to himself?? Yes. Did I put a restraining order on him?? No, because he was too powerful and he knew it. Something needs to be done about this “double standard” already!!
Madonna – Physical Attraction/Fatal Reaction
Tommy Goes Crazy on Oprah
If a woman acted this way on “Oprah”, she would be committed to the nearest insane asylum by Oprah herself. Either that or she would be an accused drug addict. Somehow it wouldn’t be so “cute”.
Wow! You sure are a magnet for bad relationships! I think I would have given up long ago…….
Pick-Up Artists have been invading the island of Manhattan for ages because it is Little Napoleon Land. When you live in New York City long enough, you are sought after over and over by these maniacs, both single and married aka MBA’s Married But Available and there is no age limit. They chase prey until they go down to lay (to death). Like Nancy says in her article, Narcissism is rampant! The land of the little men aka Madhattan breeds these types like shark spit out and replace teeth. Do yourself a favor and find a nice guy in a place like Omaha, Nebraska or Concord, New Hampshire. Stay away from the Tri-State area and places like LA because the farther away from these places you go, the better and taller the men get! Have a great day and I hope this helps! 🙂
You Give Love A Bad Name
The Pick-Up Artist
Unfortuntely, most men are hardly as adorable and charismatic as Robert Downey Jr.
Check out Nancy Lee’s Article on Narcissists:
http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2011/04/01/i-dated-a-narcissist
Geez….not one mention of “thrill of the hunt”?
Thank you so much for your kind words and God Bless You! I am actually getting married for the first time in my life to an amazing man next year. I did give up on it for several years but it always happens when you are not looking for it. Like they say, 3rd time is a charm! You are right, I did attract bad relationships, but keep in mind that it is very easy to do that when living in a place like Madhattan which is filled with narcissists/little napoleons. Many of my friends are either divorced or in horrible marriages so I guess it is not just me. The thing that we all have in common is that we attract narcissistic alpha males who dwell in New York City. Best of luck to you in your search. I’ll keep your “kind advice” in mind for any future endeavors, “Anonymous.” Also, your convictions are worth less than an electron because you are “Anonymous” so in reality you do not exist.
My wedding song is appropriately enough “The Search is Over”
Just kidding! It is going to be “May I Have This Dance” by the super talented Scott Krippayne!
http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2014/08/14/marisa-sungs-rules-of-etiquette-for-the-modern-world-number-19
http://www.asiancemagazine.com/2014/07/31/the-most-beautiful-sound-youll-ever-hear–my-angel
Their behaviour is why I no longer talk to random men, there are so many of them here you can’t go about your business without one of then harassing you.
I have to disagree it’s about guys trying to get laid, it’s more about lashing out at women and trying to undermine their autonomy, there is not a compliment of social grace anywhere in their script. It’s putting women down and psychologically attacking them. The methods involve harassment, bullying, gaslighting, tearing down the targets self esteem and physically isolating her from her friends, if you care to go look that up you’ll find it’s the same methods used by abusive partners, psychopaths and cults to control their targets. What they are teaching men is how to be sociopaths.