How Do I Find Thee?

I admire those who went through a 436-question personality survey at eHarmony.com or 146-item compatibility questionnaire at Chemistry.com to find the perfect (or a right) mate. I still remember the agonizing experience sitting for the TOEFL and GRE tests many years ago with the questions far less than what these dating websites offer. However, those people who paid the fee to find their significant other don’t seem to mind using their time and energy. I”m sure it is because they have a different mission. Unlike their motivation generated by their mom”s scolding of them to get into a good college, this time it comes from the internally propelled desire to find someone for a life adventure. Contrary to those who are infinitely patient in answering the endless questions, as always, there are quiet a few people who want to take a shortcut even when it comes to life’s most important project. They are the ones who used the detour of the Spark Notes or the yellow Cliffs Notes for their English literature class instead of reading the assigned book itself, let’s say, Shakespeare’s Hamlet. For those people who took the less (in reality, more) traveled road, I have reduced the complex compatibility test into an absolute bare minimum. Since most cracks in relationships appear in five crucial areas; money, kids, housework, in-laws and sex; it will suffice to test those five categorical imperatives.

Money

Who should be the breadwinner in a family?

1. You
2. He
3. We will drill our kid to become Michelle Wie

What’s the ideal number of kids?

1. To make a baseball team plus the bench backups
2. One is enough to send to a LPGA final
3. I need at least two to send a mixed double team to the Wimbledon final

Who should be responsible for housework?

1. Mr. Handyman
2. Maid.com
3. Are we going to live in a house or a RV?

What should be the ideal frequency of sex?

1. Sex? Never had it and never will
2. I’ll “Just do it”
3. I can do it and you can help, anytime

How would you deal with your in-laws?

1. Don’t leave home without them
2. Hasta la vista, baby
3. Since they are “in-laws” only way to deal with them is by litigation

This minimalistic and reductionist version may allow you to cast a broader net for the “catch of the day” than the longer version by those commercially motivated websites. As you may have guessed already (or have already experienced) the commercially, scientifically, sophisticated version and the short clumsy version will not be able to find a 100% satisfying perfect mate for you. For many netizens, in spite of the shortcomings (lying on the survey) of the so-called “scientific” method to match a mate, online dating became the best news since the birth control pill. As Mitch Kapor, founder of Lotus Corp. has observed about the life on the net: “Life in cyberspace… at its best is more egalitarian than elitist, and more decentered than hierarchical… In fact, life in cyberspace seems to be shaping up exactly like Thomas Jefferson would have wanted: founded on the primacy of individual liberty and a commitment to pluralism, diversity, and community.”

Granted that the good news has arrived and many are taking advantage of it. I’m still wondering why so many women (more than men) are flocking to the online dating scene with the quest of “Where art thou?” In fact, I need to doubt the question itself. Shouldn’t we ask “What qualifies me to meet the right guy (or gal)?” in the first place instead of the “how and where” question? Won’t the mechanical and technical question of “how and where” be resolved once you have already dealt with the “what” question first? Generally speaking, women are attracted to a guy by his social status, material resources and readiness to commit. Guys need to work on building those qualities. In the meantime, guys are looking for a visually stimulating curvaceous figure, young and pretty, period. Obviously, to be attractive to men, women need to trim the avoirdupois around the waist line and skip the visit to the fridge in the evening. More importantly and painful as it may be, cutting the exercise program from your cheek muscle via the cell phone that lured you with the unlimited talk time will help shape the figure that guys want.

Regardless of the question, in an age where women can have it all without depending on a man, why would you spend time, money and energy to find a guy in this postmodern world, when the men are increasingly marginalized if not disappeared all together? As someone has pointedly observed how men are, here are some examples to ponder before you start the quest for finding your dream mate.

• Men are like… place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.
• Men are like… bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
• Men are like… government bonds. They take so long to mature.
• Men are like… lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
• Men are like… bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
• Men are like… high heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
• Men are like… miniskirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
• Men are like… copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

Gloria Steinem said it all: “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” Do you still need the bike that takes ongoing maintenance, gets scoured and frequently stolen? Besides, men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken and the leftovers are either too small or handicapped. Why would you want to get scratched by parking in the small space? Is marriage a social work program to aid the unfortunate one?

Of course, they are consciously and emotionally felt view on men for pun. However, one reason that many women keep searching for their soul-mate is due to their unconscious awareness. As individuals being born into this world, we need to answer to the question of separateness, loneliness and weakness. We will do almost anything to overcome this existential angst. But to answer the question, only two options are available: one is to regress and the other is to develop a wholesome union. The first path (regression) takes us to become a pre-human animal without reason and self-awareness, leading us to live like a lion or bear. Some people utilize drugs or involve orgies to achieve the level of the state of animal in order to eradicate the ghost of the angst. However, the deep rooted unconsciousness in us won’t easily give up the second path, the way to the union.

Despite the current sullen discount, men are still wanted precisely because the unconsciousness in female psyche is an operation. Thus the question, “How/Where do I find Thee?” still lingers and those numerous online and offline match makers can thrive on this very human liability. I’m convinced that this “how and where” question is the psychological one, not the logical one.

If you’re a logically sane person, based on the above premises (men are like… ), you wouldn’t dare venture out to find a male partner. You would rather stick to the statement made by one woman who had enough with the “meat market” scene. “It is trusting yourself and respecting yourself despite the onslaught of subtle and not-so-subtle messages that there’s something wrong with you if you’re not dating or that you must have some sort of fear-of-commitment pathology or you”re overly picky or you”ve become so accustomed to being by yourself that you’ll never be able to accommodate another person.”

Yes, searching for a mate and having romance is good and maybe necessary but pushing yourself to the cliff of whimsical and a compulsory dating scene encouraged by the plethora of online dating websites, books, offline matchmakers or friends will only denigrate yourself. A Korean proverb once said, “Even dog’s dung can”t be found when you need it for your medicine.” If we translate the adage paradoxically, we come up with something familiar: “You find the thing you’re looking for just as you stop looking.”

Daniel Hong was born and raised in Korea. He studied psychology and philosophy at UCLA and Oxford University (UK), respectively. He has owned and operated his own business, and taught in college. He currently works as a freelance researcher in Seattle.