Reverse Fetish-ism.

“I will never date another Asian guy again. I just don’t think I’m attracted to Asian guys anymore,” resolves Ellie. She was devastated when she found out her ex boyfriend had a casual encounter with a random internet mistress from craigslist. He happened to be Asian. And as irrational as it might be, Ellie swore off not just guys, but specifically Asian guys because of this bad experience. Oh, and the Asian guy before this one. And the one before that. But this was the first time I had heard her swear off an entire race of men.
Let’s face it: the quintessential Asian man has not exactly experienced the warmest of welcomes that us ladies have received in the world of dating. While we are hyper-sexualized, our counterparts are often classified as feminine, if not androgynous.

In her case, it just happened to be one bad case of a relationship after another – ”and all of them happened to be Asian. Although most of her serious relationships were with Asian men, she had always told me every now and then how she contemplated dating a White guy and it somehow lingered in the back of her mind. The same went for me.

I find racial preferences to be a funny thing. My parents have never directly pressured me to date an Asian man and yet I have always been drawn to dating them when it came to serious relationships. Whether it is the shared culture, or knowing the proper etiquette of pouring the elders tea during dim sum– I am not quite sure. I can tell you that I have automatically, almost naturally, felt at ease with most Asian men. It was comfortable.

Yet, dating outside the racial boundaries, there would always be subtle hints of heightened awareness that I am not only “Sandra,” but Asian “Sandra.” Little things, such as when a guy asks where I am from and I immediately respond Long Island, he gets a quizzical look half expecting me to say “China.” Sometimes, he would repeat “No, where are you really from?” From there, I’d have to reiterate I am from Long Island and concede my family is from China in order to get the nod of understanding from him.
This protocol isn’t something I enjoy but it is something I have encountered countless times while dating.

Since Mike (who happened to be Asian), I’ve noticed a shift in my racial preferences. I’d like to blame it on my inclination towards indie rock music or my cravings for late night grilled cheese sandwiches but the truth is that it probably is a mixture of both (that is culture and environment), and my superficial need to try something “new” after a relationship has ended. Some people get a new haircut. Others go on wild shopping sprees. I was interested in White guys for some curiously inexplicable reason.

Lately, I’ve noticed the only guys I’ve been giving second glances to in the subway are White. The dive bars I regularly hang out at are predominately White. I went to an all-Asian party two nights ago, and the only guy I found remotely attractive happened to be White (and then I questioned what the White dude was doing at an Asian party – ”I’m full of contradictions, I know). I’d like to date a white guy, but not a white guy with an Asian fetish. Am I unfair? Probably. But I’m not going to lie. It would have to feel naturally comfortable. What I mean is one that makes me feel like “Sandra” as opposed to the Asian “Sandra.”

I recently met a guy for a casual get together. He’s nice. Seems cool and more importantly, it felt naturally comfortable (something I’ve only felt with Asian men). It went well– until he called me the next night.

“I have to tell you something,” he says. It sounded serious. How could it be so serious when I had just met him?
“What’s going on?” I questioned.

“Well, I don’t know if I should tell you this, but my last girlfriend was Korean.” His tone of voice sounded as if he had just told me his ex-girlfriend had cancer.

I was speechless. First, it was a big no-no in my book to talk about past relationship so early into getting to know each other. Second, he had called to let me know she was Asian. How was I to reply? Was I suppose to pat him on the shoulder and congratulate him for having experience with the Asian race? This was uncharted territory. Had I asked him about the ethnicity of his last girlfriend, I would not have thought twice about his confession. The fact is I had only begun to know the man when he felt so compelled as to inform me of this seemingly not so trivial tidbit (to him at least). I had not wanted to talk about relationships seeing that I am still trying to recuperate from my own mess. And yet, I could not imagine Mike or any other Asian man I’ve dated to make the equivalent comment. It would just be weird. And frankly, I just wouldn’t care. What difference would it make? Apparently, there is still a lot I need to learn because I was back at square one – ”and feeling like “Asian” Sandra.