Great Wall of the Heart

I don't speak for everyone when I say this — though many may agree — but I think I try to protect myself emotionally in a subconscious level by building walls around me.  One of my greatest fears is not simply losing the people I love, but seeing those whom I love walk away from me without warning.  That is enough to break a thousand people's hearts — not to mention crush mine to an irreversible state.

I've heard somewhere that when the human body experiences some sort of trauma, the area that has been affected goes into a lapse of numbness in order to avoid the same unfortunate feeling again.  Or something similar.  I reckon it's exactly the same with emotions.  Some of us can be stubborn enough to keep banging our heads against the wall knowing clearly how it's going to hurt us in the end.  Those who have learned the hard way aren't quite so stupid.  Rather, they turn towards the opposite end of the spectrum and avoid being put in a situation that may hurt them again.  In other words, they shut down to the world — and if lucky, maybe open a tiny crack on the window to let an itty-bitty ray of light to come in.  Enough to survive, I can imagine.  

Like kings and queens in our own worlds, we put up walls around our kingdoms.  We protect ourselves from evil forces or any battles that may be waged against us.  We decide to keep within ourselves and not bother to look out on the other side.  It's like oblivion to the outside world.  And we'd rather miss out than have to go through so much pain and misery all over again — enough to kill an ox.  The trauma is a recurring nightmare that plays in our heads and we end up doubting ourselves whether or not it's truly over.

However, I dare say that those walls may also be unknowingly put up in a bid to find out who will bother to knock it down and come through to our side.  It is perhaps a method that will filter out those whom haven't given up on us yet — regardless of the fact that we have fully put across that we've given up on ourselves; more so, them.  

It is one of the special instances that we indulge ourselves in narcissistic and self-absorbed attitudes and completely wallow in self-pity.  We put ourselves in darkness to discover who will shine the light on us and help us out.  Unfortunately, many fail the test and continue to walk out on us without ever turning back.  But there are the golden few who have done otherwise and persisted to knock down our walls amid bleeding hands.

If you get one person to do that — to fight for you — then you have probably done something right.

It may be hard to believe sometimes, but we are truly never alone.  The thing is, we might not exactly get the attention and compassion of those people we are hoping would contribute them, but there will always be someone else who is willing to do so.  We simply have to open our eyes and minds to them because we may choose those whom we want to love, but it's no longer within our control who decides to love us.

So yes, you may put up that wall, but permit others to break it down.  After all, we all need knights in shining armors right?