Virgin Territory

My mother still thinks I’m a virgin. At the age of 23, living on my own for a year, and 3 boyfriends later, my mother still thinks I’m a virgin. I’ve been trying to break the news to her for so long but every time the opportunity arises, I chicken out. I would rather spare my mother’s feelings, save her the pain, and tell her what she wants to hear.

A couple of years ago I went to a conference in Buffalo with my friends and my boyfriend at the time. Our group consisted of three guys and myself. My boyfriend and I shared a room of our own.

I was sitting in the kitchen helping my mom peel vegetables when the subject of my trip came up. She awkwardly asked, “So where are all of you staying?”

Fuck. I knew the question was going to come up sooner or later. I contemplated what I was going to tell her. If I tell her the truth she’ll immediately consult my dad and make sure that I’m chained to my bedpost strapped with a chastity belt. Because God forbid I go away with my boyfriend for one night and stay in the same room with him. If I lie, I can go on my trip with a peace of mind knowing that my mother thinks I’m safely tucked in bed by myself. So what did I say?

“We got two jointing rooms with the guys staying in one room and the girls staying in the other,” I responded without any hesitation as I continued peeling my vegetables. I’ve been so used to lying to my parents that it’s almost become natural.

“Oh, that’s good,” as she sighed with relief and a smile collapsed over her face. No other mother would have believed that load of bullshit except mine of course.

You see, my mother is a strict, traditional, die hard Catholic, Filipino woman. My parents are very conservative, especially my mother. So sex is taboo in our wholesome family. My mother believes that we shouldn’t have sex until we’re married. So naturally we were raised with those beliefs. To her it’s inappropriate for us to sleep over at our boyfriend’s place. No trips that required any kind of over night outings. We weren’t allowed to have boys in our room unless the door was open. Even now I still wouldn’t hold hands with my boyfriend if my parents were present in the same room. Basically, the rule was absolutely and definitely no sex allowed. So for the longest time that’s what I’ve practiced. Until I met my second boyfriend that is. It was a long time running with my first relationship; we dated for 3 ½ years without having any sex.

You can only imagine how difficult it is trying to maintain a normal relationship with your mother in the middle. I would constantly have to lie about my whereabouts so she doesn’t suspect that I’m at my boyfriend’s place. It’s always been see no sex, hear no sex, speak no sex, which is actually kind of ironic considering the line of work I do for a living; I watch porn and get paid for it.

A common question that I get quite frequently is “So what does your mother think about you working in the adult entertainment industry?”

At first she wasn’t comfortable with it. She wouldn’t tell any of her co-workers about my profession because she was embarrassed. What would she say? Yes, my daughter is a professional porn watcher.

My mother would complain, “I paid your way through college and this is what you do? Watch bomba (which means “porn” in Tagalog) everyday. You should be ashamed anak (“daughter” in Tagalog).” Then she realized that it was a legitimate job and I that I wasn’t getting naked for money.

Then, the moment we were both dreading for, came. My current boyfriend and I planned our first week long trip together, which obviously meant being away overnight. That was Rule #128- no overnight trips with boyfriends. In her mind, staying overnight with a boy = sex.

It was time for my mom to know. There was no way I could lie about being away for a whole week. She would want to know every miniscule detail- who’s going, where we were staying, who’s sleeping in what room, urine samples from each person. I don’t think that “we’re staying in separate rooms” line will work this time. Then again if I told her that we were staying in the same room with two separate beds, she might actually buy that. Nah, I have to tell her.

We were driving in the car and I was thinking how I was going to gently break the news to her.

“I’m going to Mexico with Tyghe in a couple weeks!” I blurted. Not exactly how I wanted it to come out but it was too late to take it back now. My mother didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes. She probably needed time to digest the news.

“Does this mean you’re going to be sleeping in the same room together? Did you guys have sex already? Does that mean he was your first?” she interrogated.

I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to answer those questions. Do I really want my mom to know what the 411 was on my sex life? If so, that means the sneaking around and lying would finally end! I’d like to think I could get away with my mother believing I was a virgin until I got married.

“Don’t ask me questions that you don’t want to know the answers to. If you really want to know I’ll tell you, but you can’t be upset with me. Do you want to know? ” I simply asked.

“No.”

“Okay. Let’s leave it at that then.”

“Wait. I changed my mind. Actually, forget it. Okay, was it Tyler or Leonard? No, no. Let’s just drop it.”

The subject never came up again. Up until now, I’m still not sure whether my mother thinks I’m a virgin or not. She has to know. At least I won’t have to use that “we’re staying in separate rooms” line ever again.

Elysia is 23 years old and resides on the Upper East Side. She’s easily seduced by sushi and lip gloss of all assortments. Her passions are all things Buffy the Vampire Slayer, step aerobics, astrology, and boys with blazers. She’ll peak your curiousity about sex, love and relationships for the those who are fixated on the issues as much as she is.