Dating Q & A

I’m just your average Asian American living in a city I love and living a generally fabulous existence. I have no PhD or degrees on my wall, but I’ve logged enough hours giving advice to consider myself a self-proclaimed expert. So when the opportunity to offer my advice to the masses arose, I jumped at the chance. No problem too big or small, ask me anything-I’m here to help!

Question
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now and I do love him, but I’m not sure I’m in love with him. My parents adore him and really want us to get married, but I don’t know how to tell them that I’m not sure he’s the one. I come from a very conservative Korean family. They keep telling me that I’m not getting younger and that I should marry soon. Also, I’m not sure if I ever want to get married.
Please help!

Mari: Two years and your parents love him and you’re not falling all over yourself to marry this guy? What’s wrong with you? The answer: NOTHING. Repeat after me, “I’m not sure I’m in love with him” now say it again only this time, realize that when you say those words, they actually mean something. Things that don’t matter in this equation: your parents, your age and the time you may or may not have
wasted with this guy.

Marriage, as we all know, is a serious commitment, and while you may love your boyfriend as a person, he may not be the right person to commit the rest of your life to, which if you want to get technical, is one of the criteria for marriage. They weren’t kidding when they said ’til death do you part’ and you shouldn’t either. If you think your parents would be disappointed if you broke up with your boyfriend, imagine their dismay over a divorce.

Don’t set yourself up for failure, take your time and figure out what you want, whether it is Guy A, Guy B or no guy at all. As for not wanting to get married, I would suggest not mentioning that to your parents. I’m an ‘honesty is the best policy’ kinda gal, but sometimes people don’t want to be confronted with the truth, and would probably fare best if they realized it on their own time, say when you’re about 65 years old and you’re still not racing down the aisle or even considering it. Let
them have the hope of marriage and you the peace and quiet of not hearing about it every 5 seconds. And who knows, maybe when the right guy comes along, you won’t need my advice because you’ll be sure he’s “the one”.

Question 2
Is it possible to not be Asian enough? I’m having a hard time because I’m half Chinese and sometimes I feel like my friends don’t think I understand what it means to be Asian. I’m starting to wonder myself!
Any advice?

Mari: Good question! I actually had the same dilemma growing up, because I’m a mutt myself, and I know as a Japanese/Irish mix, people often assume I don’t understand either culture all that well. You have to focus on the positives in this situation, and lucky for you and I, there are plenty! You get to be a part of not one, but 2 awesome cultures, that includes food, language and traditions. You are special and unique because of both cultures and you can take comfort in both. Anyone who makes you feel less than your wonderful self because of what you are, doesn’t need to be a part of your life.

Remember that who we are, is very different than what we are. You can control who you are, but what you are is something you have to learn to embrace. And, from personal experience, it’s usually your own insecurity over the cultural difference, because friends love you regardless of your nationality.

What I’ve learned is that by having to identify yourself as being from 2 cultures, you are forced to define those cultures, and I know for me, I learned more about both. I took an active interest in learning about where my customs came from and found the really great aspects of both. You are in essence, a hybrid; a mix of the best of 2 cultures,so enjoy being special!

Question 3
I just got out of a horrible relationship and I’m still really hurt about the whole thing. I wanted to know how soon is too soon to start dating again?

Mari: First let me start out by saying there is no one size fits all answer to this question. Although I’m ashamed to admit it, I have quoted my favorite Sex and The City character who swore that half the time spent dating was all the time a gal would need to get over her ex. In retrospect, I realize this is much more of a loose category_ideline to perk up a friend in need, rather than a hard fast rule.

With that said, I do believe its helpful to look at that equation when asking yourself how long is too long, or in your case, too soon, which I think are in essence the same question. If you were with your ex 8 years, don’t expect the pain to go away in 3 days, but at the same time, 4 years of “grieving” might be a bit excessive. That’s not to say that after 4 years you can’t still hurt or miss your ex, but it shouldn’t stop you from pursuing a life and happiness apart from him.

There is a grace period, as I like to call it, where you are allowed to cry, eat endless amounts of comfort foods and be generally miserable, but keep this to a minimum if you can, because lets face it, no one wants to be around, let alone date, “that girl”.

As for dating, I say go for it! But leave it at that, don’t try turning your first date into your future hubby. Dating can be fun and it can remind you of all the things you forgot while you were off the market, like how nice it is to tell a story that he hasn’t already heard, or what its like to not share his attention with the other loves of his life: the Mets, Giants or Knicks. But don’t transfer your need to love and be loved onto this person. Enjoy dating and also being single, because if you don’t take the time to get to know yourself without your ex, you might end up in a relationship just like your last one, or worse!

mari.ogawa1@gmail.com.