Dating Q&A

I’m just your average Asian American living in a city I love and living a generally fabulous existence. I have no PhD or degrees on my wall, but I’ve logged enough hours giving advice to consider myself a self-proclaimed expert. So when the opportunity to offer my advice to the masses arose, I jumped at the chance. No problem too big or small, ask me anything-I’m here to help!

Question:
My fiance accused me of being a workaholic recently. I don’t think I work that much, but I do love my job and want to get further in my career. He jokingly said things will have to change when we get married because he’s not interested in being a stay at home dad. Do you think there was some seriousness to that joke? Am I wrong to want
it all, him and my career?

Mari: No, no and NO! We live in the 21st century and if you want it all, you can have it all! It may mean sacrificing beauty sleep and not being 100% devoted to everything at all hours of the day, but you can be a successful career woman, wife and mother. You need to sit your fiancé down BEFORE the I do’s are exchanged, and discuss what you both expect out of a marriage. If he seriously expects you to quit your job, you have to ask yourself if that’s something you can do, if not, can you quit him? You can mostly certainly have it all, but only if your future hubby is on board, and if he’s not, you may need to find someone who is. If you’ve decided he’s worth the sacrifice, there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home home and doing the hardest job on the planet, being a parent. Just make sure your decision is one you can live with for the rest of your life, because you only get one life, make it one you love!

Question:
I’m a 40 year old Asian Catholic female who has been seeing a 30 year old Jewish guy. Actually, we’re not that religious…just spiritual. Anyway, I really like him a lot and the more I get to know him, the more I think I’m falling for him. I’m really scared to venture there. Neither one of us has stepped up to move the relationship to the next level for whatever personal reasons. Does this relationship have the F word written all over it? What would you do in the situation?

Mari: First, I’d like to commend you for dating a younger guy, go you! But more importantly, it strikes me that your question on religion doesn’t seem to be the real issue. Religion and spirituality is an individuals relationship with God and how you choose to worship your God, is your business. You stated that neither of you is particularly religious, so to answer that question, I’d say religion is not a factor at all. But for anyone who is reading this who’s relationship is affected by religion, I’d say that religion can either bring you closer to your significant other, tear you apart or never even make an appearance, depending on what you allow it to do. Sharing any commonalities can be a wonderful connection in a relationship, and nothing is more intimate than your religious beliefs. But even having different religious views can be great if you choose to discuss both points of view respectfully, respect being the operative word. Religion only comes in between people when respect is not given, so don’t let that happen. But, it seems that you fall in the category of “Not Applicable”.

Now to deal with the real issue. You mention fear of going “there”. Where exactly is it that you are scared of going? A relationship? Commitment? That could be a bigger hurdle to jump than even the big almighty. If this is a guy you care for and I sense that you do, because pondering your future with him is not something you’d do if it were casual, then you need to figure out what it is you want from him BEFORE you “venture there”. If neither one of you has taken it to the next level, it may be a good place to stay for now. Enjoy the time you spend and see if things progress naturally. But if you notice that it is either you being scared to move forward, or him, a conversation needs to take place about where things are headed. Keeping quiet when one person wants more, and the other doesn’t can lead to resentment.

Nothing puts a damper on romance like bitterness and hard-feelings. In this situation I’d ask myself if I wanted more than what I was getting, and if the answer was yes, I’d hold my breath and jump…IE: I’d let him know I wanted more, and hope he felt the same! Good luck!

Question
I recently found an email while playing around on my boyfriend’s computer. It was from his ex and it seemed to be one of many. I didn’t read much because I felt that would be an invasion of privacy, but I want to know how long it’s been going on and why he is still talking to her. What do I do?

Mari: Ouch, that had to hurt, but kudos for not snooping more (I’m not sure I would have been able to resist the urge to read on). There are 2 main problems here, 1 being if you ask him, he’ll assume you don’t trust him and 2, will you believe what he tells you anyway? You obviously need to bring it up, because it’s bothering you, but it’s
important you do so in a way that minimizes his defensiveness. I suggest first asking if he ever talks to his ex. Try to ask as nonchalantly as possible, even though it may be tough. Doing this gives him the chance to come clean, because he might not see anything wrong with a few harmless emails with his former lover. He may just
spill his guts with out you ever having to put on “the gloves”.

But if that doesn’t work, roll up your sleeves and get to work, cause it’s going to get dirty. Let him know that you mistakenly came across the email and you’re concerned, that you do trust him, but you have questions and he owes you answers. Make sure to reiterate that you weren’t snooping, and that you could have, but chose to come to him instead. Hopefully your man is trustworthy and honest and will not feel attacked by this, but if he does put up a wall or gets very angry with you, perhaps you should ask yourself what else he’s been keeping from you. As long as you approach him as an adult, expect him to act accordingly, this could make or break things for your relationship, so brace yourself!

Post your questions below for Mari to answer.