When Your Boss Thinks He Has a Shot

I received a BA and an MA in Economics from Boston University. I work at a mid-size financial services firm (and have for over a year now), full-time, all the while trying to figure out what I really should be doing with my life. Writing this column and sharing my experiences is one of my outlets. Coming to New York City was quite a culture shock for me, not only environment wise, but people wise. I can adapt to the fast walking, getting rammed in the shoulder by men and women on the street as I make my way to work, unlatching my bag out of the subway doors as they slam behind me but for some reason, the men in Manhattan never cease to amaze me. Despite my attempts to analyze, I still can’t put my finger on how this animal works: The working Manhattan Man. Dive in a little further and it gets even more complicated: Why is it that my old, overweight, MARRIED boss thinks he has a shot?

Gross!

Every time my boss calls me into his office, I know he has a big, (cough, cough).. ahem small boner behind his massive desk. I can just tell he is pitching a baby tent by the way he looks me up and down as I stand in his door way. “So what is it? You couldn’t just tell me over the phone?” I say, as I roll my eyes, waiting for him to decide to give my next task. I just know my days are limited at this job with my attitude.

“Yes. Are the year-end reports done?” he says. “They’ve been done since Monday. I’ll email them to you. Is that it?” “No”, he says. As I wait to hear what else he needs, he stares me up and down and cracks his knuckles. Boing! (I know what that was)”No that’s it. I thought I had something else, but I forgot.” Yeah just what I thought, too busy a… . Boing! (hope you did not burst your tight pants).

Out of all the senior managers, I get assigned to a toupee wearing piece of shit, who thinks women half his age are attracted to him. Let me see, is it the fat beer gut? The tight pants that expose his flat ass, the hairy chest which is sometimes exposed, the ring on his finger or is it his self-proclaimed “high powered” job that he could lose any day now?

As I walk away, I see him staring at my ass in the reflection of his framed diploma. Columbia.hum. big deal. Still not attracted..actually NEVER!

A half hour later, he comes by my desk again. “Why do you look so tired?” he says, as he licks his lips. “Excuse me?” I say. “You look exhausted”. ” Um, no I feel fine. Thank you.” I say. Like what are you fishing for? You want to hear I had hot, monkey, tantric sex with a complete stranger that I met at a bar last night? Well I’m tired. I commute on the subway every day, work 8-7pm, work out, socialize and need to fend off losers like you.

Where does he get off? It is only 10:15am and I feel like a Doob.

See my history with this man is not exaggerated or overly inflated. One afternoon, fatty with a toupee came back late from a liquid lunch. He was on his way to the bathroom and I was on my way back from the bathroom. He grabbed me and asked me to kiss him. Just my luck, no one was around. I know I should have reported him but I didn’t have the heart. I felt like he was a horny old man who couldn’t control himself. One more time and I will.

I love that scene in 9 to 5 where Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda and Dolly Parton plot their revenge on the asshole, perverted boss, Mr. Hart. Doralee (Dolly Parton) tells her story of role reversal, making him turn around in front of her, treating him like a piece of meat. One of the funniest scenes of all time, I think. I wish I could do that to my boss. Believe me, that scene plays in my mind every day I look at that greasy fat ass. Rope him and stuff a hankerchief in his mouth. Make him look like a suckling pig.

The funny thing is, this situation is all too common in corporate America. Manhattan Corporate American. Just this past weekend, I was consoling my friend who was so upset her future married fling was laid off. I wanted to know what she thought she would get out of that relationship? She told me she was looking forward to the hot sex. “Hmm really? So where would you be once the hot sex wears off?” She knew the answer to that all too well… .. To the curb.

I wondered why she went for unavailable men. I asked her. She said that is mostly the type of men that hit on her and at least she has someone, then. It’s pretty pathetic but an all too common thinking for dating women in Manhattan.

I’m not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination but I do know what is right and wrong. So this is my advice for my readers.

To my boss (if you know who you are then I’m getting canned sooner than I thought):

* Keep it in your pants. You have a wife at home who had 3 of your children, who most likely gave up her career and any earning potential to support you and your career. I’m not knocking it, but if so, she deserves respect and definitely does not deserve the man you have turned out to be. I don’t care how much “shopping allowance” you feel justifies your doggie ways.

* You are not attractive. I don’t care how much money you make.

* Cheaters are unattractive.

To the girls with horny bosses:

* If he’s married, it’s not worth it. Perhaps you have a hot boss, therefore you are a bit more lucky than I am. Regardless, he has MAJOR baggage. Kids, $$ tied up. I’m not saying 100% of these relationships don’t work out, but the likelihood he gets a divorce in today’s day and age is very slim.

* You are setting yourself up for disappointment. Even if you convince yourself that it is only about the sex, let’s be honest, eventually women are going to want more.

* These men should join Tool Academy, “nough said. Is there one in New York City? I have a few prospects.

If you want to contact me privately, please email me at nancy@asiancemagazine.com