Why can’t we renew a marriage license?
I was recently lying by the pool on a sweltering hot day out in Westchester (yeah I hang out there a lot – you have a problem with that?) with a group of unhappily married girlfriends discussing why I opted out of marriage twice. Yes people, I was engaged twice. Hard to believe, I know but let me reminisce. I explained that while my would be marriage date was creeping up I was having a series of recurring dreams, recently. The dreams featured me attempting to buy a beautiful one of a kind dress in a boutique where the nasty saleslady sternly reminded me that it was a FINAL SALE!! For a shopaholic and a purveyor of good taste such as moi, that was an absolute NIGHTMARE! I would wake up in a panic every time. That was basically like a judge sentencing me to life imprisonment….WITHOUT parole.
Let’s face it, men are dogs and until someone comes up with the “invisible fence for men” they are going to explore territories that are forbidden, easy, challenging or even worse…sprinkled with landmines. The Ten Year Marriage License would certainly help manage this problem, if not cure it. This way, both parties can stay competitive with one another and put their best foot forward at all times, just how I like it. Hey men, You want us to be looking our best, 100% of the time, so should you. I can just picture it now…
Life is precious and short so why should people settle and be locked into a less than satisfactory, sub-par contract.
“Sweetie, you’re up for renewal in two years so you better work on those love handles of yours and for your information, in case you’re interested, you haven’t been paying enough attention to me lately. Oh, and I don’t want to scare you but several men in the office have expressed much interest in me and their contracts are expiring as we speak.”
If you are hot and young looking like I am– this is a contract made in heaven! Life is precious and short so why should people settle and be locked into a less than satisfactory, sub-par contract. After all, people take more time deliberating over a lifetime guarantee for their audio equipment than they do for a marriage these days.
With the divorce rate well over 50%, it seems to make sense to process marriage licenses in much the same way that driver’s licenses are issued. Like driver’s licenses, marriage licenses should expire after ten years with an option to renew.
I know what you’re thinking, “but what about the children?” This marriage license renewable like a driver’s license concept is perfect for “dinks” (double income no kids). However, if you are among the “diks” (double income kids) or the “siks” (single income kids) this option is far less attractive to the major breadwinner of the pair. Just like a business partnership, you have to ask yourself “what does he/she bring to the table?” The breadwinner gets penalized in divorce for being ambitious and hardworking. And these days more women are becoming the major breadwinner in the relationships. Thinking about it, are we even going to need that species?
If we had formula to calculate the net worth of each spouse entering into a marriage over a ten year period many of the pre-nuptial/divorce problems would be minimized. People would actually be “free” to “exit” miserable unions without losing the shirt off their back.
Just like businesses thrive on competition and innovation, the marriage market needs the same components to flourish.
Think about it, most licenses that we apply for in life are only valid for a specific duration before they expire. Why should it be any different with a marriage license? Haven’t you heard of the 10 year itch? Mine’s more like a 5 year itch. I can’t even be in a serious relationship with a guy for more than 4 years without before feeling CLAUSTROPHOBIC, IMPRISONED and BORED, BORED, BORED! Anything that leaves one without the option to CANCEL, RENEW or EXCHANGE goes against the laws of nature. The only way I can see myself “tying the knot” down the road to the old ball and chain, is if I know that at some point in time I can EXIT the situation safely and fairly if need be.
It is human nature to take for granted and become bored with anything that “is yours for the taking.” A lifetime guarantee closes the door on any competition, growth, new experiences and excitement. Just like businesses thrive on competition and innovation, the marriage market needs the same components to flourish. I can just see all of the new business emerging from the new 10 Year Marriage License with an Option to Renew…. Ideas anyone??
Immature.
Thanks for your profound comment. So mature!
GTR here. I feel sad that my absolutely CLASS efforts are conflated with the garden variety go at trolling. Sigh. I have failed.
BTW, I actually agree with you. This structure liberates men since price of women behaves like the price of cars. Would you get a 2010 model or a 2009 model? Males on the other hand, owing, I suspect, to daddy issues that are endemic to our society, enjoy a much healthier shelf life.
At year nine I suspect that women will allow men to do some depraved things to their anuses to renew the contract.
There’s nothing worse than a hideous gook feminist who thinks she’s God’s gift to white men.
Is the racist dribble really necessary? There are plenty of reasons to critque the article without resorting to racial insults.
A Blue Eyed TROLL who gets rejected by hideous gook feminists would be considered worse.
Nancy Lee is pushing 30 and realizes that she is not hot enough, intelligent enough, nor compassionate enough for her ideal man. Therefore voicing out her frustrations in these poorly
written articles. Mommy didn’t her and Daddy only cared about saving face.
BTW: Love the ads on this site.
Now, now, enough with the racist comments, stalker!
Indeed you are intelligent enough. Perhaps more smarter then me. I’m certainly not able to waste my expensive college tuition writing for a shitty online magazine.
You are the coward who writes these articles with zero credibility and no identity.
What a pleasure it is to converse with such a classy over the hill whore.
You are funny! Angry much? For some who would not want to waste their time, you sure are on this site enough to insult me. Fool!
Well, i can’t let young readers think all women are like you now can i?
Besides our comments with each other are far more entertaining than your feeble attempts at
writing.
Great comeback Nancy Lee
My columns are one of the hottest things on here. So your “feeble” attempts of trying to deter readers from thinking all asian women like me are futile. Do me a favor, please come back when you have some real world experience…VIRGIN!
I must tend to my other job now, but I will be back.
Might not be hot enough or compassionate enough for you but I’m certainly intelligent enough. What do you look like fool? Don’t want to show a picture? Show me your hands, that explains MUCH!
Ok, i wont “deter” readers from thinking all women like you are futile.
I am a VIRGIN when it comes to dealing with a Crafty CupCake such as yourself.
Drinks you and i uptown 7pm 2nite. What do you say?
Where did this douche aka Bob big mouth go? Told you I was irresistible.
Do you think I’m desperate enough to date some random guy who insults me online? Not saying I’m above it. What do you look like Rotten SOB?
I don’t think you are desperate Nancy Lee, just a bit Easy.
Since you’re to scared to give all your curious readers some description
about your appearance, i guess i’ll have to give you mine.
Im 37, average everything with the exception of my weight. ( High Dim Sum diet )
I’ll be completely bald by the summer of 2012.
May or may not have a 6 figure salary, and may or may not have a wife and kids living upstate.
I’m perfect for you. See Nancy Lee beggars CAN be choosers.
Hi Nancy,
I’m a fan of your columns but I would recommend seeing a picture of this guy first and perhaps a little background check. I would like to see you write an article on meeting this guy.
It doesn’t matter what i look like. She can only see Benjamin Franklin.
That was funny! Yes it does matter what you look like. If you’re ok looking and bald (as you say you are) then I’m willing to overlook that if you are making a buck!
Nick nack patty wack give a dog a bone
Well Nancy, you know i’m a bald overweight middle aged man.
I now nothing of what you look like.
So lets have drinks tonight. I’ll be at Peter Luger’s in Williamsburg.
If you’re lucky you’ll get some steak.
Hmm.
Coming from a man who grew up believing in one wife, one marriage, “til death do us part,” and who actually committed to that for a 10 year marriage that ended as soon as his wife got the college degree she wanted, I am not surprised about your feelings of claustrophobia and lack of freedom. This, for me, is where I see the irony in today’s world: they always say that men have a “fear of commitment,” but when you look at the statistics, there is no room to wonder why. According to Barna Research, 75% of divorces are filed for by women. What man wants to get into a committed relationship with a woman who isn’t going to be committed? I realize that there are a great many men out there who are failing as husbands and fathers. However, there is an increasing occurrence of women saying “no thanks, I’m gone,” tearing their families apart and “moving on,” putting aside their marriages as if they would put away. . . .oh, let’s say, a dress.
This is a sore spot for me. Why? Because I fought for the healing of my family for 3 years after my wife decided to leave. She got a lawyer behind my back with borrowed money from her father, got custody of our daughter, and I am the one who got stuck with child support and didn’t receive alimony from her, even though she left me and I had put her through college. Where is the justice in this? Is there any wonder why so many men just decide to move away and have little to do with their children? I can tell you for a fact I know why: it’s because their spouse demonized them, to the courts, their families and friends, to their churches, and the saddest part, even their own children.
The attitude of going into a marriage with an “escape clause” so that the other can just walk away as it suits them is more of a problem than a solution. What this world needs more of is people who will keep their word, and stop being selfish. If there is anyone who knows what TRUE love is, it is not in the art of self-seeking, rather it is the lost practice of others-first, and selflessness. Some say marriage is a 50/50 agreement, but they are wrong. A loving marriage is a 100/100 covenant.
Lastly, I’ll add that I’m not saying it is easy – on the contrary, it is very hard, especially when your spouse “put on a good show” early in your relationship (like my ex did), and then turned into something unrecognizable after the marriage. However, one must remember that first of all, the best things worth having are worth fighting for, and fighting for something requires battles, pain, hurt, and even sometimes things such as hopelessness. However, one can be assured that, in the end, the ultimate victory will be attained and you will come out not only better than you were before, you will come out as gold, and how many others have been able to claim such a victory? Second of all, for those who have stuck it out and fought for their marriages and families, many have received a greater reward than they ever could have otherwise: the healing of their marriage which turns into a better relationship than they could have imagined.
I would be greatly concerned about continually backing out of commitments due to love of freedom and claustrophobia. To me, this seems to indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed; trauma suffered as a child.
If a person who wants a relationship like that meets someone who wants similar, then fine. However, it will not be healthy, no matter how much they think it is, or want it to be. You can believe something all day long, but that doesn’t necessarily make it so.
My 2 shekels.
I think the reason for the 75% divorce rate for women is because women get fed up with the behavior of their husband, therefore they divorce. If it were up to men, they would stay with the wifey and kids at home, while they have their second, third, fourth mistresses, etc. Sure there are some exceptions but this is basically the rule. Very rarely will men file for divorce. They are pussies and like having their cake and eating it too. Their behavior must be extremely repulsive for a woman to leave. As we all know, wome rarely leave. A perfect example is Tiger Woods. He would have like to have kept the wifey at at home and continued his second life full of philandering…but no, she got fed up and walked. It was HIS behaviour that destroyed the marriage though. Very rarely is it the woman.
benglishtea-
Seems you came into the relationship with some naivete’ .Most men do in their youth.
It doesn’t matter what women say early on in the relationship. (most men too – it’s called sales and marketing) What people do is much more telling and hard to hide.
I think the post has some merits; I whole heartedly agree. Right now there’s a HUGE financial incentive for women to divorce. Consequences of divorce are minimal, usually (90% of the time out here) women keep the kids, child support, and receive alimony. Adultery rates are about the same for both sexes – in the 70% range. If she’s bored, why stay? Little social stigma, finances at least in the short term can be better, and if your wife is still hot, why stay? Why not be a trade up for an older, less boring, wealthier man?
Why would you stay if the situation were reversed? Your wife gains 40 lbs. after a couple of pregnancies, gets strung out on antidepressants, quits her job, neglects you, your kids, what would many men do? Many men will trade her in for the 10 + years younger model if they are a man of means, cut their losses. Women know this as well, so there’s nothing permanent nor expectation of as much from many.
I came into my marriage with a small fortune and I personally believe in a good PreNup. Remove the financial incentive for a divorce. You might just get a woman who loves you for the right reasons. I have an opt out at 5, 10 years.
I lead a pretty entertaining and full life. If a woman decided she no longer wanted part of it the door is always open. Competition being what it is I’m sure I could find a suitable companion. Each party would leave with what they brought plus what they made during the relationship.
Fair. The only people screwed would be the children – which may not be bad for them if the relationship was constantly in turmoil.
I don’t like being confrontational, but I have to point out that your statements do not stem from any facts, but from your personal opinions alone. You even start your statement off with, “I think. . .” Yes, you may think that, but as I said in my initial response, that doesn’t necessarily make it so.
And for the record, my wife left and moved in with another man, where she remains to this day. She is also heavily involved with her church, leading the “singles’ ministry,” singing in the “praise groups,” and living a nice life of hypocrisy (the one she always dreamed of?). So please, I would appreciate you not lumping me (and 100% of all other men) into the same category as an immature child with too much money (Woods). I never expected my wife to cook or clean for me, or simply stay at home, “barefoot and pregnant,” while I ran around with whomever I wanted, “having my cake and eating it too.”
You say, “we ALL know women rarely leave,” and a man’s behavior must be “EXTREMELY repulsive” in order for her to do so. Yet, in your own article, you admitted freely that you ran from 2 prior commitments with no mention of any such repulsiveness. On top of that, you cite your strong needs for freedom and fear of being “finalized,” all the while openly confessing (the entire point of your article) how you wish marriages came with some sort of “renewal license” in order to “force” men to behave in a way that more suits YOUR own particular idiom or agenda.
And after all that, you expect me (and any other person reading your comments) to actually believe your contradictory statements regarding the “staying power of women” as opposed to the “cheating, lying, good-for-nothing, self-serving and repulsive nature of ALL men?”
Your comments, when compared with your article, are like listening to someone declare how clean they are, while they are in the midst of wrestling with hogs in a pile of refuse. If someone actually believes that and wishes to follow in, then they deserve the kind of life they get.
As for myself, I choose to learn from the hurt I’ve experienced, both from my parents AND my ex-wife, and do the best that I can to not make those same mistakes in the future. I can only hope that somehow, Nancy, you find a sincere man with a good heart who finally breaks the over-the-top, severe and hateful model that you have presented here with this post. The truth is, PEOPLE are mean, not just men, not just women.
It is my hope that everyday, there will be less of the mean ones, and more of the good ones. People can change, and hearts can change.
-B.
Th14u,
Of course I came into the relationship with SOME naivete. Every single person on the planet, at any age, comes into new relationships with different levels of such. However, the main root things that happened in the beginning I was not ignorant to – I saw several times when my fiancee allowed, accidentally, her abusive side to show. However, she quickly covered these things and “made them better,” and I (unfortunately) decided to brush these things to the side and continue. The fact that her father was a pastor and her family highly religious didn’t help: they rushed us to get married much faster than I wanted. Of course, you know by now I payed for this.
I understand everything that you have said, regarding boredom, gaining weight, not having the right amount of money, or whatever. Unfortunately, there is something that you have left completely out of your post, and that thing is what comes first with me. It isn’t “seeking to protect myself first,” it isn’t “getting what I want out of my wife,” and then “discarding her when she becomes less than ideal.” What a bunch of worldly hogwash. My wife gained so much weight from the time we married until after our daughter was born and then even to now, that she outweighs me – and I’m 6’2″ (188cm)! She is only 5’7″. Even after all this – the yelling, the abuse, the abandonment, the courts, the lawyers – all of it, I still tried to work things out for the sake of our marriage and our daughter, who to this day wants her family back.
What you left out was true love. I’m not talking about some feeling garbage – I’m talking about true, selfless, unconditional love. Marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly by either party, and going into it thinking escape clauses and “I’m leaving if they don’t do this and this,” that will actually CAUSE a marriage to crumble. In the end, this is what my wife did, and the crazy part is, her main accusations were lies. So, in the end, I can say that I loved her from the bottom of my heart, in spite of all the hurt and anguish she was causing me and our daughter. At least my punkin will now have one good model in this world of what true love looks like, instead of the ever-increasing, self-serving model that everyone else seems to be adopting.
Your comments turn what was meant originally to be a loving, dynamic, and permanent covenant into nothing more than a business arrangement, and after you have firmly established that, you casually throw children into the mix in the last sentence, as an afterthought.
No surprise, there, however. That was my ex’s problem – she cared more for her own selfish interests than she did for a sobbing 7 year old, who is still crying today, right before her 10th birthday.
Yes, there are many people who are naive, but I am not one of them.
-B.
My man, you are either misinterpreting what I had to say or I was not concise. (it happens more than I care to admit)
Point being if a woman understands you have options, and if there’s too much BS you WILL exercise those options sooner than the 2nd, 4th, 10th time she pulls something on you the better your marriage will be. The woman should have hers too, and not be much concern to either partner acting honorably. You should be with a woman who has these competitive options also. If she had no self respect it’s doubtful her spouse would respect as well.
Love can only exist where people know their limits and have respect. If people continue to cross lines they shouldn’t you don’t have love, you have a codependent relationship. You are in a game, not a marriage.
Regarding the business relationship aspect, if you have the prenup, you remove that as a factor, yes? Somebody better be around for the right reasons because they will not profit from the wrong ..
I’m guessing I’ve got a few years on you and am sharing what I know. I share the wisdom of experience with you that you may learn vicariously. Take it for what it’s worth, I’ve traveled some of the road you are on or soon will be.
In life people justify many dishonorable acts. Often it’s of little use dwelling on these reasons as the person may just be nuts! Best to let it go and move on. Sooner the better. Remember: in this life, everyone is responsible for their own happiness… or in some cases – unhappiness. Which do you choose?
I don’t think you know how to read. My stance has not change on anything. I ran from two commitments because as I stated, it was something the man did. My dating behavior has been affected by this. This is why I have a sex column and you do not. Any questions?
i need married