Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter
Don’t laugh but sadly enough, I actually had to send this out to a few stalkers so that they would GET THE HINT!
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply and/or add your own]
___ YOU suffer from Little Man Syndrome!
___ YOUR pecker happens to be smaller than my thumb. 🙂
___ YOU have too many photos of YOURSELF!
___ YOU’RE are a narcisstic nutjob! 🙂
___ YOU are a jelly fish and HAVE NO BACKBONE! 🙂
___ YOU need to grow at least an inch or five! 🙂
___ THE ONLY NUTS THAT YOU POSSESS are the ONES IN A CAN that SIT IN YOUR OFFICE. The EXTRA SALTY KIND! 🙂
___ YOU need to run a comb through any of the hair(s) that you have left! 🙂
___ YOU NEVER shut up! 🙂
___ YOU are INCREDIBLY RUDE! 🙂
___ YOU are a PERVERTED OLD MAN! 🙂
___ YOU are CLUELESS! 🙂
___ YOU are a SPINELESS CREATURE of ODD! 🙂
___ YOUR MUSIC REEKS so better KEEP YOUR DAY JOB AND VENTURE ON BABY! 🙂
___ YOUR #1 Album is YET TO BEE HEARD by ANYONE so KEEP WORSHIPPING MOON ALICE and KEEP THE PEACE SWEETIE! 🙂
___ YOU need a makeover that only a magician is capable of! 🙂
___ YOU are EXTRA CREEPY and HIDE BEHIND A DESK that is 100X BIGGER THAN YOU ARE! 🙂
___ YOUR BOOTY is HARDLY BOOTYLISCIOUS! 🙂
___ YOU go out for cheap, dirty, convenient, fast and easy Chinese much too often.
___ YOUR eating habits are extremely objectionable and LIKENED to an animal attacking its prey! 🙂
___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
___ Come to think of it, you just order in or go out for cheap, quick, dirty, fast and easy period!
___ YOUR eating habits are extremely objectionable and LIKENED to an animal attacking its prey! 🙂
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at the office reveals a thriftiness that I find extremely unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission to mee that “YOU GOT BILLIONS” but FAILED TO GRANT ME EVEN $20.00 DISTURBS MEE and displays a thriftiness, nastiness and extreme cheapness to your sick and ailing character that I am afraid cannot be cured under any circumstances!
___ The fact that I am a GERMOPHOBE AND YOU CARRY GERM(S) makes us in a word INCOMPTATICO as we DO LIKE FOREIGN SUBSTANCES AND REPEL ONE ANOTHER!
______ YOU FAILED THE CREDIT CHECK which translates to you didn’t Send The Check or Pick Up The Check for THAT MATTER! 🙂
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.
___ YOU GOSSIP more than just LIKE a WOMAN.
___ The fact that YOU still need a mother and cannot cut the apron strings spells BIG BABY to me and is hardly a REAL man! 🙂