More information on dating a narcissist! Don’t get stuck!

In order to recognize a narcissist, it’s important to understand the difference between healthy self-esteem and narcissism. Narcissism is the “enemy” of healthy self-esteem. It is something that looks like the real thing, but is not. Narcissus, as many know, is the legendary Greek character who fell in love with his own image and drowned because he stared too long at his reflection in a pond of water. A narcissist is obsessed with his image and has no real sense of self.

A narcissist is someone who, usually due to childhood trauma or over-doting parents, has become obsessed with his image. He has been socialized to identify with a very judgmental social system where love is given or withheld based on external criteria. If you’re beautiful, thin and smart, you will be loved. If not, forget it. People who grow up this way are addicted to status markers. They crave praise and attention because it validates their very existence. Without it, they do not feel alive. This is because they have no real sense of self and rely on others to feed their ego. They are addicted to attention and crave it like a drug.

We all know people like this. They are usually the loudest person in the room or display outlandish, attention-getting behavior to get others to notice them. Narcissists are typically the center of attention and the life of the party. People are often drawn to them.

Unfortunately, if you’re dating this type of person you are in for a rude awakening. A narcissist sees his life as a movie or dramatic story in which he has the starring role. He creates a character (a.k.a. false self) based on what your likes and dislikes are in a partner and then assumes the traits and emotions of that character to lure you in. Narcissists are unable to feel empathy for anyone but themselves. Therefore, they act out or mimic these emotions in order to convince people they are capable of real love. They do this through carefully observing and profiling others. Narcissists are great actors. They are completely disconnected from their true self and depend entirely on external validation to feel alive.

There are two types of narcissists. The one type of narcissist is what we refer to as the cerebral or intellectual narcissist. This type of narcissist derives validation based on their intelligence or position of power. They abuse their authority and see everyone as a pawn to be played in their quest for dominance. You see workplace and political narcissism everyday in the news. Perfect examples are Bernie Madoff and former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich. These are cerebral or intellectual narcissists.

Then there are the sexual narcissists. In the dating world, the trend of “hooking up” or sleeping around is perfect for narcissists of this type. The sexual narcissist flaunts his body, exhibits his muscles and brags about his physical conquests. It is important to note that women can be just as narcissistic as men. However, studies show 75% of narcissists are male. I believe this is mainly due to the fact that men have more opportunities to be in positions of power than women. Genetics may also play a role according to recent studies. A sexual narcissist loves to hunt and pursue women. They see women as conquests to be captured. The more attractive and unobtainable she is, the more thrilling the chase becomes for the narcissist. They look at dating like a scorecard. A narcissist will value you, not for yourself, but for how good you make him look, what he can get from you or what status you bring him.

Unfortunately, once a woman has been conquered by a narcissist, she is quickly discarded. He loses interest. A narcissist is terrified of settling down and dreads intimacy. He is always on the lookout for something better. So that life-long bachelor, who everyone thinks nobody has been smart enough to get yet, is actually a nightmare waiting to happen — all over you.

If you listen to your gut, you will eventually start to feel uneasy or off-balance around a narcissist. You know something is wrong, but can’t quite put your finger on it. In order to help women avoid getting into any kind of relationship with a narcissist, I have come up with six red flags I believe can help you identify a narcissist early on in a relationship.
The Six Red Flags of Narcissism

1 He’s too good to be true.

In the beginning if he seems too good to be true, he probably is. There’s a reason for this old adage. When you meet a narcissist, he appears to be your prince in shining armor. He sweeps you off your feet and is incredibly charming. You are in disbelief that this man possesses all the qualities you have been looking for in a mate. Listen to your gut and trust it. Don’t believe everything he tells you.

Narcissists have an uncanny ability to figure out what you want in a man and then project this ideal image back to you in order to win you over. Narcissists are great actors and that is precisely what they do when courting you. They act. They know exactly who you want them to be and play the part beautifully.

Because of his superior acting skills, he leads you to believe he’s your ‘soul mate’ and more caring and compassionate than any man you have ever met. He makes you feel as though he understands you like no man has or ever will. You’re unaware of the fact that he is playing a character of his own making and emulating emotions and feelings in order to win your afections. Idealization is at its peak, and the man appears “too good to be true”.

2 He talks only about himself

You are most likely dating a narcissist if 80% of the time, the conversation revolves around him. He gives you a lengthy auto-biography about his life, including his school days as star football quarterback. Most of what he tells you is a carefully constructed lie. He pauses occasionally to ask you a question about yourself only because he senses he needs to and then quickly finds a way to revert the conversation back to himself. He often refers to himself in the third person. You will notice a narcissist easily becomes bored in a conversation unless the spotlight is on him. He’ll get a glazed over look in his eyes when others are talking, but suddenly lights up when he gets to talk or the focus returns to him.

3 He believes he is perfect and always right

One way to recognize a narcissist is to ask him in what ways he thinks he needs to grow or change. A healthy well-adjusted person will give you a list of things they can do to improve themselves. A narcissist, on the other hand, will tell you he has nothing to change. A narcissist believes he is perfect.

A narcissist believes he is always right. Ask him about past relationships and see how he responds. If it’s always the other person’s fault when a relationship ends, you could be dealing with a narcissist. Healthy people can take accountability for their part in a failed relationship. A narcissist cannot. He is always right. If you question him about anything, he will respond with great hostility and perhaps even rage. If you disagree with a narcissist, you will get a glimpse of his true colors.

4 He is obsessed with his image and status symbols

A narcissist has been socialized to identify with a judgmental social system where love is given or withheld based on external criteria. If you’re beautiful, thin and smart, you will be loved. If not, forget it. Therefore, a narcissist is obsessed with his physical image. He will spend hours at the gym, salon and tanning spa to maintain an image of perfection he believes is essential to his survival. He is preoccupied with status symbols, designer labels, expensive homes and fancy cars. He has an external locus of control and only feels alive when validated by the outside world. He craves attention from others and if he doesn’t get it, he feels dead inside. This is because he has no real sense of self.

5 He becomes controlling or overly-possessive early on in the relationship

As you know, a narcissist is very insecure. He projects a puffed-up ego in order to overcompensate for his lack of self. He appears confident, but deep down, he is quite the opposite. Therefore, he will come on strong in the beginning. You will notice he has a need to control and possess you very early on in the relationship. He will text and call you frequently and expect you to respond to him immediately. If you do not respond timely to him, he will lose interest. A narcissist wants to be with someone who will cater to his needs and stroke his ego at all times. He may ask you to be exclusive with him much sooner than you would expect.

6 He lacks empathy

The key indicator of narcissism is lack of empathy. The only feelings a narcissist experiences are the primal gut instincts we all need to survive, such as fear and rage. A narcissist lives in his own reality and sees others as nothing more than objects to be used for his benefit. The bottom line is it’s all about him, nothing more, but certainly nothing less. A narcissist cares for no one but himself. However, he is smart enough to know this is not normal or healthy. Therefore, he mimics emotions and fakes empathy in order to hide this from you. Watch closely, you will begin to see his lack of empathy when he is tired, his defenses are down or when you are sick or in distress.

In Summary

In my experience, a narcissist eventually becomes sarcastic and belittles you constantly. You begin to feel you can do nothing right in his eyes and your presence is hardly tolerable. You’re bad. You wonder what you did wrong to cause such a drastic change in his feelings toward you. You struggle desperately to return things to the way they were in the beginning. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, things will never be the same again. This is because everything he did in the beginning was an act to secure your love and nothing more.

When a narcissist feels he is in control of you and is not threatened by any fear that you will ask for too much from him or leave the relationship, he will engage in escapist activity and appear as if he hardly notices you exist the majority of the time. You are merely present to stroke his ego and provide attention should he fail to get enough feedback from the outside world that day.

This is when we must remember we did nothing wrong. It’s all about him. A narcissist will simply discard people when he no longer sees any value in them. Keep in mind, this evaluation of his is totally subjective and not grounded in reality at all. These men are delusional and you mustn’t forget that. Suddenly because of boredom, a disagreement, an act or a failure to act, the narcissist swings from total idealization to complete devaluation.

He then disconnects from you immediately. He needs to preserve all of his energy in order to obtain and secure new sources supply and attention. He sees no need to spend any of his precious time on you, whom he now considers useless. But please remember, he will repeat this same cycle with other women. It is inevitable. Be grateful this toxic abusive man is out of your life and never let him back in.

Narcissists cannot change. They are stuck in their own world where they are the center of the universe. The good news is that by asking yourself these questions and being mindful of the red flags, you can save yourself from living in their toxic world. Life is too short to sacrifice yourself for someone who will never appreciate you and is incapable of loving you. We all deserve real, genuine love and there are people out there capable of it. Learn to differentiate a narcissist from someone with healthy self-esteem. You owe it to yourself. We all do.