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SEX & HEALTH: DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

APR 2007 Sex & Health Dating & Relationships

3.7White Man's Perspective

The White Boy speaks on dating Asian Women

I get asked all the time, as a white guy who mostly dates Asian women, why I date Asian women more than any others. Asiance readers must get approached by guys like me and it must be hard to understand the behavior, I imagine it would frustrate and annoy you if you don't understand it. People often ascribe negative motivations to behavior they don't understand. It's a sensitive and personal topic, so it's hard to talk about. This article is supposed to raise the level of understanding. My goal is to be honest and candid.
Talking openly about the topic is hard because of the tone I often hear, as in the terms Asian Fetish or Yellow Fever. Fetish means you substitute an object for a person. Fever implies you are crazy. If you've been approached by many white guys, you may feel they see you as an object or they are crazy. That may be true of some, I don't know, but not of all.

On the other hand, people seem to love talking about the subject. Conversations can go on for hours. Everyone has an opinion. American culture stifles talk about race, so when people find others with whom they can speak openly, months of withheld observations can come out. Unfortunately, even friends can be quick to judge and polarize the conversation, often ending it, with one misstatement.

I can't recall hearing a positive reaction to a white guy preferring Asian women. People often say negative or neutral things, but rarely positive. I also don't hear people talk about Asian women who are into white guys. I've met plenty, but I don't hear them described as having a fetish or a fever. It feels like Russ Meyers and Hugh Hefner get more understanding.

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It's important to remember the diversity of groups. There are a lot more people and cultures of both European and Asian descent than I can keep track of. I don't know if my details are important, but maybe they'll help you. I am a tall, fit, white guy in my mid-thirties. I am from the East coast, went to Ivy League schools for college and an MBA, and now live in New York City. I have had one deeply loving, multi-year relationship with a Korean woman (let's call her Esther) and one with a white woman. Of my other romantic relationships, at least three quarters have been with Asians, but I have dated women of many ethnicities.

I am more attracted to Asian women than any other women. I don't know why. It's been that way since I was first attracted to women, although I didn't realize it for a long time. I tend to be attracted to Koreans and some Japanese more than others, but I've dated Chinese, Filipino, Indonesian, and Thai.

One of my earliest memories of feeling attraction to a girl was in high school. I was on the bus. An Asian girl from the high school across the street got on. She wasn't the first Asian girl I had seen, but it felt like the whole rest of the world disappeared, like I witnessed beauty for the first time. I had never been so attracted to someone before. I don't think I ever saw her again. I remember having a vague sense her being Asian had something to do with my attraction, but I dismissed that sense at the time, feeling it was racist.

For many years, I noticed that preference for Asians, but kept dismissing it. I fell in love with a white girl, who was for a few years everything to me. She is still a great friend. Later, in college, people who noticed my preference joked about it, generally making me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Eventually I came to accept it. I got over the feeling of racism when I realized the preference wasn't a judgment. It was just whom I was attracted to. My preference feels no more racist than being interested in women feels sexist.

I never felt my preference was a choice. People act like I have a choice in the matter. I have no sense that I do. As best I can tell I was born this way. People have a hard time accepting that I did not choose this preference. I didn't choose to be heterosexual either, but I am, and no one asks why I choose women over men or calls me sexist. The internal feeling is the same. The attraction is purely physical, for better or worse. Asian, especially Korean, features attract me – both nothing specific and everything together. I wish I could say more because people always ask. Asian features – straight black hair, eyes, etc. – tend to sound attractive, but no one feature is most important. Asian features don't override everything else. Plenty of Asian women don't attract me. I also don't extrapolate from physical features to personality.

For people who accept that my attraction is just physical and otherwise like that of other guys, all the rest of my behavior follows. Because it feels good to open up with someone, to be myself, I try to get to know women to whom I am attracted. I think that's true of everyone. Do the people you find yourself attracted to have certain characteristics? I hear for many (not all!) women attraction can come from height, profession, level of success, or power. Do you like to be with people to whom you can open up and be yourself? Do you try to spend time with them? If so, it may be easier to understand me. For me, the people I happen to find myself attracted to are Asian women. I am not attracted to them because they or their parents or families are from the continent of Asia or because of any cultural heritage. I don't find any of the many Asian cultures or histories more or less rich than those of any other cultures.

I want to be with them because I am attracted to them. I think this desire to find someone you can feel comfortable with is universal and a powerful motivator. I've never met anyone who didn't like being with someone they felt comfortable with, or who liked being with someone who made them feel uncomfortable and awkward.

In the long run, a relationship depends on how the two people relate regardless of the initial attraction. In this regard, I relate to the same things as anyone: personality, a sense of humor, common interests, common backgrounds, and so on. Communication and understanding is important, so I tend to be attracted to Asian-Americans. I don't favor one culture over another, I just happen to have been born in the U.S. and learned its language and culture.

Preconceptions

Below are some preconceptions I hear a lot. They don't apply to me, but people expect them to. Maybe they apply to others, I don't know. They would sound ridiculous to me if I didn't hear them so much. I believe they come from a lack of understanding. One of the reasons I am writing this article is to increase the level of understanding.

Preconceived notion #1

I am attracted to all Asian women, or if a woman is Asian I will be attracted to her. Just because a woman is Asian does not mean I will like her or find her attractive. Do people believe anyone has one and only one measure of attractiveness? Why would they think I was different? Of course things like personality, sense of humor, common interests, etc. are the same to me as you. After the initial attraction fades, those elements determine the relationship. Can you imagine someone thinking that little about you? How would you feel?

Preconceived notion #2

Asian women are submissive and that's what attracts me. Do people really believe Asians are more or less submissive than others? I can imagine culturally defined roles from a different time, but that time isn't a part of my life. Those roles don't motivate me. The individual matters to me. I don't keep track of submissiveness of different ethnic groups, but as far as I can tell, no group is more or less submissive than any other. The women I've dated have tended to be assertive. Esther was extraordinarily assertive.

Preconceived notion #3

My relationship with Esther made me this way. This idea reverses cause and effect. I was crazy about Esther because I was attracted to Koreans, not the other way around. Even friends I've known for decades say this notion. They think I'm always trying to recapture that relationship. Imagine someone thinking this about you. It's dehumanizing. How would you like it if every time you met a guy, people thought it had to do with a guy you knew over a decade ago? I loved her and those memories will always be a part of me, but that was then and this is now.

Preconceived notion #4

I'm attracted to Asian women because I can't get white women. This one is hard for me to understand. Here's what a Filipino woman told me: in cultures Europeans colonized, the colonized people learned to see whites as superior. They felt that white guys in search of a woman would start at the top, with white women, and then work their way down. If they couldn't get white women, they'd have to settle for non-white women. This thinking makes no sense to me. I certainly don't feel like I'm settling.

I feel bad when people assume these things about me. I try to understand people and why they would think these things. After writing most of this article I looked up Yellow Fever on Wikipedia, which led to an article on “Stereotypes of East and Southeast Asians,” which listed a number of stereotypes of Asian women. A lot of articles on the web talk about how white men attracted to Asian women are motivated by stereotypes, some rooted in colonialism. I don't know about other guys, but none of those stereotypes resonated with me. They sound awful to me too, and I don't subscribe to them.

I don't want to be or act Asian. I don't have Asian tattoos. I don't try to learn more or less about Asian cultures or languages, than any other. I learned some in passing, but I know a lot more French. I like what I've learned about Buddhism and Taoism, but the interest is based on the ideas alone. I like western philosophy and science too. I don't try to impress anyone with my knowledge of Asian cultures.

I am happy with who I am. While it might be more convenient not to date across racial or ethnic boundaries, I don't feel compelled to change because of social pressure. I think everyone should know who they are, should be comfortable with themselves, and should not feel compelled to be who others or the media tell them to.

Meeting and getting to know the stories of gay male friends' paths to acceptance helped me. They told me they didn't expect to prefer men when they matured. When they did, at first they didn't want to. Later they realized that is was who they were and they were born. Now they enjoy who they are. The stories of their journeys resonated with me. Like them, I didn't choose my preference. When I find a woman with whom I am comfortable, it feels great. One thing I wish I had: For whatever challenges society gives gays, at least in New York there are communities that support them.

I could tell stories about how people say or do things that hurt. I don't mind if people judge me for choices I make or actions based on those choices, but judging me based on who I am doesn't help anyone. As I've matured, I've come to view their judgments as signs of just not knowing, because people often condemn what they don't know.

The word "creepy" gets me. I've never heard it about myself, but I hear it about white guys interested in Asian women. I can't imagine anyone liking to be called creepy. I ask my Asian women friends why they would call a white guy who is attracted to Asian women creepy. Many think he is interested in just one feature about them, which dehumanizes the rest of them. I understand that perspective, especially if they also believe the preconceived notions above, but it is inaccurate with me. I wish I knew how to convey to someone new that I really do see her as a complete person.

I know some women who are attracted to men with certain characteristics. Sometimes they are physical characteristics and sometimes they aren't. For example, some women (not all!) are attracted to men who are tall, or successful, or musicians, or in positions of power, or athletes, or whatever. Think of such an attraction you or a confidante has. I would doubt you or she forgets about everything else, like personality or whatever. Have people ever over-interpreted your attraction? Do you or she ever feel compelled to conceal it because of how others might react? If so, the connection may increase your understanding of me. I feel like my preference becomes in other people's eyes the only thing about me. This happens with white guys I'm casual but not close friends with, like classmates. Their behavior changes when they learn about the preference. I feel like they judge me by something that is really just a part of who I am, like it's a choice, which it isn't. Guys constantly rib me about it, asking if or assuming every Asian woman within view is attractive to me. While it feels great to have a relationship with a Korean woman, I don't want to ask out every single one. I really do like having friendships with ones I can connect with. But then every time I talk to an Asian woman, some people act like I'm in the throes of some uncontrollable fetish.

I am also afraid of the response from Asian women I try to meet. If I tell her about my preference too early, our communication may not be nuanced enough for the details. Tell her too late and she may think I was hiding something. Maybe this is just the usual fear of rejection anyone gets when trying to meet someone new.

People have a hard time handling race. I have two friends, one black one white, in a long term relationship. He says it well: “We have a million things in common, but when people see us, all they see is a black and white couple. They are missing the real beauty of our relationship.”

My Questions to Asiance Readers

Two big questions. Is it hard to believe I can see a woman as an individual and find her attractive for being Asian? Is it hard to believe my preference is something I was born with?

I get asked how many of my girlfriends have been Asian. Do you ask Asian guys the same question? What's the difference if the guy dating Asians is himself white, Asian, or whatever? Would it be better if I were attracted only to white women or only blond women? What's the difference? Because I'm white?

Say I really am interested in a woman because of what I've gotten to know about her, that I think she's a good person I want to get to know better. What should I say? How should I approach her? Is it fair to believe we could be happy together?

Is there a name for Asian women who like white guys? I feel like I should know, but I don't. Do Asian women who date mostly white guys take flak for it??

For more information and to contact author Jay Spark, please go to his MyAsiance page at my.asiancemagazine.com/jayspark