Everything falls apart,
Then I get to try to put it back together
Everything falls apart,
And you can count on that like you can count on bad,
bad weather again

- Dog's Eye View, Everything Falls Apart

Just a couple of weeks ago, I received an SMS from a good friend that her puppy had died -- her 4-month old puppy that she had just adopted not too long before that. Anyone who says that I'm completely detached and devoid from the animal world is not lying. But for some reason, that message I got pinched the ends of my heart strings and I found myself getting a bit more despondent than I had anticipated.

Ever observed how Jell-O behaves? You shake the plate that it's on and it just wiggles endlessly without moving an inch. That about sums up how I view my life to be right now -- stuck! Though I am going through the motions of life and it seems to be going right along with me, I feel that I'm not getting anywhere at all. A part of me wants to move, but another part of me just wants to stay put and enjoy the ride (or whatever I can take from it).

All my life I have been trained to always look forward -- to see the bigger picture and to think long-term. And all my life, that's exactly what I have been doing. And it's quite exhausting, not to mention disheartening when things don't go your way. I find that looking far ahead only strains my neck and makes me lose sight of the present in its entirety. How am I supposed to enjoy the future when I can't even enjoy the present?

These days, all one must do is to blink and it's already twenty six years later. More conservatively, I blinked and then I found myself already in the middle of the first month of 2008. Regardless whether or not you're having fun, time certainly flies with engines roaring at full speed.

My time flew on a positive note, fortunately. My slight hiatus allowed me to end my 2007 completely in the midst of family, friends and loved ones -- surrounded by the holiday ambience. It's not exactly something that happens everyday (not even every year) so rest assured, it has been one hell of a month. I was almost sad to see it end, especially boarding the airplane back to Singapore the day after New Years. However, I knew that I have a lot to look forward to in 2008. I'm not exactly sure what they are but I'd like to say that I have enough faith to know that there's got to be *something* good about 2008.

If there is anything that I desperately hope is true, it isn't God. Rather, the concept of karma. Many of us believe in it perhaps as a way to console ourselves with regards to unfortunate situation that are beyond our control. On the other hand, it only makes sense to subscribe to it because it seems to be the universal balance keeper.

Karma. What is karma?

According to the dictionary, it is "the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation."

Karma, it seems, stems largely from religious principles and dogmas (Hindus, help me out here?). It involves living a fair life in order to bid for a better one in the next. Though it seems to refer to reincarnation and such, the more modern concept of it conveys the same theme as the Bible's Golden Rule -- "Do unto others what you want to be done unto you." Similar, yes?

The universe has its own mechanism where it imposes natural balance upon itself. There is the good and the bad, black and white, heaven and hell -- the yin ang yang of life. It is said that for every misdeed that we commit, it will come back to bite off our behinds at an aggravated degree. There is justice and there is fairness.

I cannot seem to agree more.

If it were up to me, I would like to be the one to inflict justice in my own life. I wish that I can have matters in my own hands whenever I get wronged or taken advantage of. However, life isn't as rosy as such. I don't think it's entirely possible to think clearly -- more so think of justice -- when one is ridden in rage and anger over an incident. Various people deal with obnoxious emotions differently and these people also act differently in certain situations. It will be an unfair system if people lived in my ideal world. Most importantly, who are we to decide what kind of justice the wrongdoer must receive?

To believe in karma is to award the divine with the task of maintaining moral equilibrium on earth -- or in the universe. Believing in it allows me to pick myself up after a messy fall, to dust my hands quickly against each other, and still hold my head up high with a smirk. It comforts me greatly knowing that I need not lift a finger in order for some people to experience the vileness that they inflict on others. It is all taken cared of.

Karma keeps us humble. Knowing and acknowledging its power keeps us in check because ultimately, our actions are a reflection of ourselves.

There have been many occassions that I have been duped and toyed with -- in all aspects of the words. And just like everyone else, as I would presume, I wish nothing short of misery and pain for those people who have engineered the scenario, no matter how big or small. I can be completely high strung and vengeful (as a matter of fact, isn't that part of being a Scorio? *wink*) and my emotions can get the best of me sometimes. If I act upon any of them, I will probably end up doing something I would regret for eternity (I already have some regrets as it is). My only option is to leave it to the professionals -- to those up there controlling the karma switchboard.

Unfortunately, patience is greatly needed in this whole karma game. It isn't up to us when the shit will hit the fan for the other side. We only see the smaller picture, but karma sees the larger one and will know where it will hurt the most for them. We can do nothing but wait until that moment emerges -- and one can only hope that he or she will be present to witness this sweetest thing called revenge.

We are not entitled to play God. We are not God. Even if someone doesn't believe in God or any kind of god, it is still not up to him or her to take control and ensure that justice will be served for every fault held against them. If we follow the karmic school of thought, doing so will only entail a bigger blow against one's self in the form of higher karma. It's one vicious circle that we wouldn't want to get trapped in.

God has given man free will. Whether or not someone decides to choose evil rather than good is his or her choice entirely. However, the consequences can be pretty dire and there really is no way of knowing when the ax will fall. That, I believe, is God's greatest disclaimer.

Whilst we wait for all the pieces of the universe to all fall into place, we can always resort to swearing, yeah? It's harmless and it's therapeutic. Then we sit back and enjoy the ride.

And if you're anything like me, I would be hoping the worst for that person.

(I can so totally feel the gates of hell opening up for me now)

It was a little before seven o'clock at night and I just finished attending church. It was still twilight outside and I decided that I didn't want to go home just yet. After all, witnessing twilight is such a novelty nowadays with me trekking out of work so late on weekdays. I approached the vendor selling street ice cream and purchased a yam-flavored one. Not exactly the healthiest option, but when cravings call, who am I to deny it?

Content with my indulgence, I walked around the town center where people were lazily milling around and trying to savor the last few hours of their weekend. I took a double take at this couple who were having an incredibly intense conversation -- neither were they being discrete about it.

I have never really been one to read and follow horoscopes faithfully. Once in a while I would glance at it to get myself a dollop of amusement -- I can just imagine how many Scorpios there are in the world that's reading the same blurb and trying to fit their daily life into that mold. Don't get me wrong, I don't dispel astrology and psychic powers and such. I do believe that to a certain point, there is some truth and reality to it, and that God indeed has created such gifted people. My skepticism only stems from being realistic and the refusal to seem gullible enough to be taken for a ride. Throwing salt behind one's shoulders has never hurt anyone, yeah? In any case, my religious beliefs go against the concept of fortune-telling and the like -- I love having that excuse whenever my opinion is sought out about it. It's like a quick ticket out of a sticky mess. I'm aware of the differing opinions that people hold about it. Let's just put it this way: I don't believe in it, but I won't get surprised if one day, I discern that it is all real. I like keeping an open mind.

Just the other day, I was reading the profile of a typical Scorpio. It wasn't the first time that I've seen one. I know the basics and yeah, agreeably, some of it are applicable to me but also some traits of Geminis, Leos, Cancers, blah blah blah, you get the point. I refuse to get boxed in a profile just because I was born on a certain date. However, there was one thing that caught my eye whilst reading it. Allegedly, I ultimately seek for independence and freedom in life. True -- can't argue with that, but who doesn't? And then it said "she [a Scorpio woman] will constantly show you that she loves freedom. If she has freedom, she will not leave you, but will love you even more."

I couldn't have said it any better.

I'm not an expert on relationships -- far from it, as a matter of fact. However, I do know that in order for me to stay in one, I do need a fair amount of freedom. I don't ask to be completely independent because I believe in being somewhat attached to your partner as a result of special bonding. I want to feel the beauty of being needed and needing. Emotional dependence can be good as long as it's manageable.

It only dawned on me then that the only way to keep me nearby is to avoid putting a leash on me. I need trust, I need respect and I need freedom. Well, enough space and elbow room, at least. I hate being told what I can do and what I can't do. And I especially hate it when someone acts as if they own me.

I dislike being provoked. The best way to get me to do something is to tell me exactly the opposite. I am notorious for disobeying for the sole purpose of spite. I can be in total agreement with a particular task, but if the method of being asked rubbed me the wrong way, I will drop it like yesterday's lunch. For this reason, I know I will make a horrid secretary or assistant. I demand nothing less than proper respect and consideration. I believe that it is entirely possible for a superior to still command a sub with respect. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against authority and I do not seek for power. I am not the quintessential alpha female that needs to be in control all the time. I can be a fiercely loyal follower to the right master. And I can be a faithful partner to a deserving one.

It took me a while to learn this about myself. I found myself in a serious relationship at a young-ish age and I still had yet to know myself back then. I couldn't understand why I felt purposely deviant and vengeful towards my boyfriend until I realized that I was badly reacting to his attempt of controlling me. We had passionate arguments about how I allegedly never listen to him, and how bad I was at keeping a relationship. This affected me for a long time. I sincerely thought I wasn't ready for a commitment and I even blamed myself largely for the wrinkles in our relationship. And I began doubting myself.

Now that I've grown a tad wiser (or so I'd like to think), I discovered that putting a leash on someone can only drive them further away instead of keeping them closer. Though I may have the tendency to be territorial, selfish and possessive, I would always have to put myself in people's shoes and rethink. If I loathe the feeling of my leash getting shorter and shorter -- or even having a leash in the first place -- what right have I got to do that to others?

I believe that it takes a pretty big person to not need a leash. However, it takes an even bigger person to let go of the leash. The magic will work on itself. The moment we let go, it's pretty surprising how we can gain so much more -- instead of losing something. A little bit of faith is all that is needed.

I'd like to think that this is a universal thing and that it is not something only exclusive to Scorpios. If it is, then by golly, more people would have to mate in February.

Now that I've moved, I pretty much have a few new things in my life -- new keys, a new address, new bedsheets, new(ish) furniture, new neighbors and a new commute. Riding the train is now included in my daily routine and is admittedly growing on me. I've forgotten how much I like trains. It allows me twenty minutes twice a day to be one with my thoughts and not have to worry about keeping anyone entertained. With my music blaring in my ears thereby shutting off the rest of the world, I find the ultimate peace and enlightenment.

It's like being alone amid a thousand people surrounding you.

At promptly six thirty-five in the morning, I make my way towards the nearest train station to catch the six forty-three ride to the central business district. I count exactly seven stops and estimate about four songs on my iPod before I get there. Luck is never usually on my side when it comes to finding a seat. The train is always filled with students heading to their respective schools -- college students with their textbooks in tow, female Muslim students with their white uniformed veils perched on their heads and the male ones with their black velvet hats, and Chinese students with their squeaky clean white sneakers.

It wasn't too long ago that I was one of those students. Well, except for the train bit, I never had to take it back where I grew up since there really wasn't any. I used to take the school bus at what seemed like the crack of dawn as the bus service always attempts to beat morning traffic. It was only later on that my parents took pity on me and had me driven to school instead (bless them!).

It only seemed like yesterday that I was roaming the high school hallways with my friends and beating deadlines for book reports and science investigatory projects. And then having powows with the group in the school cafeteria during lunch or the steps in front of the high school building after classes. Our schedules were comprised purely of schoolwork and friends -- we were one of those lucky ones who only had to worry about so much. We invented drama in our lives and dwelled on it, not realizing how ludicrous we were being and how clueless we were about how the world really worked. I was once one of those kids who thought I knew everything there is to know in this world. I was once one of those kids whom I've grown to hate as I got older.

Now, I see these kids on the train every single day as I make my way to work. I feel compelled to tell them to take it easy and to have fun while they still can. After all, being a grown up is so overrated -- why are they rushing to get rid of their youth? Get rid of the nail polish (it'll just make your nails yellow), lose the make-up (believe me, when you get older, you will wish you can pull off not having to wear some), don't get too serious with the opposite sex (you have the rest of your life to get headaches from them), wear clothes that suit people your age (count your blessings that you can still follow trends), and most importantly, stay in school (believe me, you will miss it when you start scraping up your own dough). What I wouldn't give to be able to switch places with them.

In about a couple of hours, I will be marking my twenty-sixth year here on earth. Another year added onto my life. That means, I would have been one year wiser from my last birthday. Somehow, I don't feel any older or wiser. I feel like a fraud. This year will be my official foray into the "late twenties" group and I still feel the high-schooler living vivaciously in me -- just a little more saged and jaded with experience but nonetheless still the same uncertain person that I always was.

I don't think we really let the child in us grow out completely. I like holding on to mine because it reminds me of that time in my life when I was deliriously happy and truly innocent. If only I took out the time to protect those moments instead of robbing myself off youthful naiveity, I could have enjoyed it that much longer. In my entire twenty six years, there isn't one day that I didn't refer to my past and search for little nibblets of happiness for me to ponder on. The happy memories keep me going in hopes that I will find more along the way.

I wish the kids on my train would realize that in ten years' time, they will be in my shoes looking back into their pasts desperately searching for something to hold on to. That they will be wishing for longer childhoods and more time to make mistakes. If only I can convey the sadness that I feel for them on how they seem to be losing their childhood faster and faster each day. And if only I can show them how precious they are at their age. I don't understand why they want to grow up so quickly.

It's funny, isn't it? Kids will do anything to be grown up whilst everything that adults want is to be kids all over again -- devoid of all responsibilities and obligations.

Happy twenty sixth to me. And happy sweet sixteen to the kid still living inside me.

In my native tongue, the phrase "bahala na" is very much overused in instances that we have very little control over. In other words, it happens most in times where we have no sodding idea on what to do. It is derived from the phrase "Bathala na" which quite literally means "Leave it to the hands of the gods." One who is new to the concept would think that it's an endearingly spiritual way of thinking but someone like me who has grown accustomed to it thinks of it as a glorified way of saying "Whatever!" It never kept me from using it though *grin* Over and over at that.

I probably join the millions who believe that there are no accidents, just incidents. And that, yes, everything happens for a reason. It's not so much that believing such things easily gives meaning to situations that we cannot make sense of, but it's more of -- I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it partly stems from my background as a Catholic. You know, believing in a God who has our lives mapped out given the twists, turns, options and choices that we make. Then again, when we think about it, is it really possible to have that many coincidences in our lives? When everything seems to just fall into place without ample reason or logic?

Accepting the idea of fate or destiny is, at the same token, also accepting the idea that there is someone or something out there that is guiding our life. Though it isn't utter surrender to a superior power, it is acknowledging the presence of something else having a hand in what happens in our lives. Happenstance, destiny, fate, serendipity, kismet -- all these beautiful and meaningful words all mean one thing. We often allude incidents to these and resigning to the fact that it's just meant to be. It makes it difficult for one to deny that sometimes, it really is just meant to be.

Though I promote and approve of this paradigm, I do not indulge in the idea of completely resigning one's self to the hands of predestination. Just like anything taken in excess, it can be abused and be rather unhealthy. I know of some people who have a little too much faith on the stars that they presume that everything will just fall on their laps. They reason that if something is truly meant to be, then it shall happen. They miss one detail in the scenario -- that they need to help themselves to achieve it. If only life were that easy to maneuver, then wouldn't we be all happy... in a dull unfulfilled way? We arrange our lives in a way that makes it easier for destiny to shoot for the target. We engineer it, we arrange it, we reinforce it. Tempting fate, if you will. If it doesn't happen the way we want it to, then maybe, destiny has got something bigger and better in store for us around the corner. Admittedly though, the distance to the corner can be a very long one sometimes.

I learned that the gods smile kindly on those people who pull their weight. Eighty percent along the way, we are awarded the rest of the twenty percent. Or maybe more if we're lucky. Very rare are we given the whole hundred percent for simply swinging our legs under the table whilst tapping our fingers impatiently (even patiently at that). Those who have experienced that must have done something right in their past life.

Even God has bestowed us with the free will and intelligence to make our own decisions. We cannot expect him to answer all our prayers -- may they be devoted or whimsical -- without working for it. God supposedly has our lives mapped out on the palm of His hands and it's entirely up to us to find our ways to our end. However, the question on whether we choose the right path or not can only be answered at the end of time.

Believing in destiny is a beautiful thing, I at least like to believe. It gives life a mysterious flavor and it gives me something to look forward to. It's like putting the pieces of a puzzle together and only seeing the picture after it has been worked on for a while. It is when secrets are unfolded before us, and when everything finally starts making sense. Going with the flow and rolling with the waves are not exactly bad things to do as long as it is done with care. After all, how else are we expected to explore life's essence if we don't get lost in it?

From here to eternity... bahala na!

I have never been married and I have never been a mother. And I have never loved to the point of surrender. I have yet to understand and experience how it is to love unconditionally -- to love still yet be not loved in return, to love forever even when death intervenes, and to love no matter what even when plagued with liabilities. I do know enough though that unconditional love does exist as I have been a recipient of it. I never felt worthy of it though. It is a kind of love that is bigger than me and larger than life itself. Obstacles such as pride, ego and dignity often get in my way as I find that I have an overabundance of it.