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SEX & HEALTH: SEX IN THE CITY

MAR 2008 Sex & Health Sex in the City

-.-A Few Good Asian Men

A Few Good Asian Men

After swimming in the dating pool for quite a while, I’ve come to realize what my preferences are in a guy. I’ve dated enough men to know what I want and don’t want. How hard is it to find a well-rounded, non-crazed guy in this big city? The more men I meet, the slimmer my list of preferences becomes. Then I realized another thing that I never took into much consideration until recently. When it comes down to it, I’d probably be more inclined to date any guy who isn’t Asian.
Racial preference is a funny thing. I never knew how aware I was about race when it came to dating. It shouldn’t be a factor when it comes to love but you can’t help who you’re physically attracted to. When I go out with my girlfriends to parties or during happy hour, I instantly bypass any guy who is Asian. There’s something about them that doesn’t appeal to me. I can’t exactly put my finger on it. Maybe it’s their spiky hair. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve dated Asian men before but mostly Filipino men. There have been countless times when my mother would try to set me up with a “nice Filipino man” and they would all be the same- just nice.

My mom would ask, “Elysia, what did you think of Tita Jewel’s son? He’s a nurse and he comes from a good family. He’s nice, right? You guys should go out.” Then one day she got me.

I once dated a Filipino guy named Leonard and it was great. We dated for 3 ½ years. He was sweet, romantic, considerate, and he really knew how to take care of me. Most importantly, my parents adored him. We met through our parents obviously. He was the ideal man, the kind of man every Filipino parent dreamed about. So why didn’t things work out between us? Besides personal differences, our relationship was too perfect. It all came too easily for me, almost predictable. I know. I have a tendency to fuck things up but what’s love without a little heat and passion? But that’s an entirely different story. If I continued to stay with Leonard I knew where our relationship would go, how we would end up, and I was too young to find out. Two years from then, we would have gotten married and had a very traditional Filipino wedding. We would have lived with my parents until we were financially settled and eventually have five kids named Boy, Baby, Ligaya, Roberto, and Don Don. Then we would live the rest of our lives in routine, coming home from our lousy jobs to feed the kids. At the end of our day we would go to our separate spaces while I watched my soap operas on YouTube. My husband would watch his karate DVDs and we would have no sex. From what I witness that’s how most Filipino couples ended up. If that’s what was in store for me, I didn’t want to be part of that relationship.

But after dating Leonard, I never realized how simple it was to be with a Filipino man. I found that dating Asian or Filipino men were easier. What I meant by easier was that there’s less to work with. Asian men are familiar with the unspoken rules of our culture. You don’t have to remind them to take off their shoes when they walk into somebody’s home. They’ll immediately greet my parents and relatives when I take them to family gatherings. They know to call my parent by “Tita” and “Tito” rather than their last names because it’s more respectful.

I brought Tyler, my last boyfriend who happened to be white, to my house to meet my parents for the first time. I gave him a quick crash course of what to expect when to come to a Filipino’s home. I warned him about the funny smell because my mom was always frying fish. I told him to make sure not to eat lunch before he swung by because my mom would be offering him food and would refuse to quit until he’s well fed. Filipinos like to feed people even if they’re not hungry. And if there’s one thing he shouldn’t forget, it’s to take off his shoes before he comes in, which was the first rule he broke. I nudged him and darted my eyes at his feet to remind him to take off his shoes. He gave me a quizzical look as to why he has to take them off.

“Just do it,” I said.

“Why?” he whined. I didn’t know how else to explain it to him. You just have to. It’s respectful. It’s the golden rule when you are welcomed into any Asian home. Now if I were dating an Asian guy, he would have automatically taken off his shoes without any question or hesitation. It’s a simple gesture that doesn’t have to be explained because it’s already understood.

I sighed and responded, “Because you’re supposed to.” It wasn't Tylers's fault he wasn't familiar with these cultural gestures. How was he supposed to know? It’s not as if he was given a hand book to dating Filipino women. So I cut the guy some slack.

Asian men are similar to trained puppy dogs. They’re cute and obedient. Everybody loves them. Who wouldn’t love a guy who already knows all the rules without having to remind them what they are? It’s one less thing to worry about and it makes life so much easier, but highly predictable and more or less boring. I can tell you pretty much what every Asian guy I dated was like and how they looked because they were all the same. They looked like your typical “Asian guy.” What does that look like? They had the dark, spiky, gelled up hair. It must be their signature trade mark look. On casual days, they would rock the Northface jacket with Timberlands. When we go out to a club I cringe every time they drag me to an all-Asian party. All the guys would wear a collared shirt and blazer with neat jeans. Around their neck was a gold chain with a crucifix. They either majored in nursing or business. You can always find them rolling up in some sort of pimped out Honda Civic representing their flag or a rosary hanging on the rear view mirror. They usually smoked Marlboro Reds. And for some reason, I kept finding myself with the same kind of guy. At that point, I knew it was time to branch out and see what other fish were swimming in the sea.

Dating different guys is fun. I’m all for interracial dating. In this city, who isn’t doing it these days? I can still remember when I dated my first non-Asian guy. He popped my interracial dating cherry. It’s interesting when you get to learn about each other’s cultural backgrounds, and hey, you might even be able to teach him a thing or two also. It’s refreshing to meet someone who isn’t entirely similar to you. I don’t have to put up a front of being the “nice Filipino girl” the way some guys would presume Filipino women were like, which I never had to do anyway. It’s just that this time I’m not pressured of acting like one. It’s nice to know that some guys won’t have the same expectations from me that I would of him if he was Asian. This isn’t to say that I will never date another Asian or Filipino guy again. Who knows? Maybe some “nice” Asian guy will change my mind and end up teaching me a thing or two.

my.asiancemagazine.com/elysia