The Good News About Marriage
Is it wise to get married? Don’t nearly half end in divorce? Does marrying just set you up for probable disappointment?
To marry or not is an age-old question, one the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates answered to young men thusly: “My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy. If not, you’ll be a philosopher.” We don’t know what, if anything, he told young women.
Despite what you might think, marriage is not quite passé. The recent vigorous controversy over legalizing same-sex marriages shows that many Americans–on both sides of that issue–still view marriage as an important institution, more important than our shockingly high out-of-wedlock birth statistics might indicate. [These unwed births statistics are lowest for Asian Americans, by the way.] Where there are offspring to be considered, Catholic theologian Theodore Hesburgh declared, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” That should include marrying her and staying married.
Divorce rates matter. The higher the divorce rate, the less special the tradition of marriage, as compared with simply “shacking up,” and perhaps the less it makes sense to try to support marriage as an institution.
I have read, and I have written, that about half of marriages in America end in divorce, as do half of second marriages. It turns out that such discouraging estimates are mistakenly high, as Harvard-trained social scientist and best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn demonstrates in her recent book, The Good News about Marriage.
Feldhahn and her research assistant, Tally Whitehead, analyzed many studies that have attempted to determine the fraction of first marriages that end in divorce and the fraction of subsequent marriages that do likewise. Getting this right is a statistical challenge, akin to the medical specialty of epidemiology. Simple approaches are often wrong.
Correctly estimating the fraction that fail is important, however. A large likelihood of divorce makes marriage less attractive and makes those in shaky marriages more likely to give up than try to save the union, a major concern of these analysts. Feldhahn and Whitehead argue persuasively that only about one-fourth of all first marriages end in divorce as do about one-third of second marriages, results more encouraging than the one-half fraction often cited. Marriages among church-goers do even somewhat better. [Readers interested in the details will want to refer to the book.]
Going beyond the divorce percentages, these researchers encouragingly note: “In multiple surveys, 91 to 97 percent of respondents say their marriages are happy….In another poll, 93 percent said they would marry their spouse all over again…. Most marriage problems are not caused by big-ticket issues, and simple changes can make a big difference.” Even in troubled marriages, almost all the spouses involved claimed to care about their partner’s well-being. “…in 82 percent of struggling couples, one partner is simply unaware of the other spouse’s unhappiness,” a problem much easier to solve than “addressing major systemic issues, such as addiction….”
Let’s repeat that: “…in 82 percent of struggling couples, one partner is simply unaware of the other spouse’s unhappiness.” Speak up! Make yourself heard. Listen up! Pay attention. Divorce is so traumatic that it pays to invest in your marriage before you are in trouble. Henry Ford wrote, “Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” Author Mignon McLaughlin wrote, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Although we are often told that “opposites attract,” I think these differences lead to misunderstandings and disagreements on values and expectations. “Birds of a feather,” being similar, “flock together.” I have joked that a “mixed marriage” is one with a male and a female. That’s plenty of difference right there. Issues of class, ethnicity, and religion add more complications.
Be willing to wait. Delaying marriage, being somewhat older rather than younger, should help one make the right choice of spouse. Anecdotal evidence: I waited until I was nearly thirty, and my choice was wrong; my youngest brother waited until he was forty…and chose very wisely. Age sometimes brings wisdom.
Of course, deciding whether and when to marry someone you love is rarely done by relying heavily on rationality. Still, when we think about tying the knot, we may have occasional attacks of reason, and it is encouraging to know that the odds against marital success are not as high as media stories would indicate. Belief often influences results: believing marriage is likely to fail can make failure more probable.
Clearly, marriage as an institution is here to stay. The negative reports have been exaggerated. To paraphrase nineteenth-century American author and humorist Mark Twain’s comments about an erroneous obituary written about him, reports of the death of marriage are greatly exaggerated.
On a personal note, in our marriage–a second for both of us–Tina Su and I have been very happy for thirty years. When marriage succeeds, and many do, it definitely beats being single!
Dr. Cooper is a retired scientist, now a writer, author and writing coach. His first book, Ting and I: A Memoir of Love, Courage and Devotion, was published by Outskirts Press in 2011 and is available from Outskirts Press, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble, in paperback and ebook formats, as are a memoir he co-authored, The Shield of Gold, and a memoir he edited, High Shoes and Bloomers. On Twitter, he is @douglaswcooper. His blog is http://douglaswinslowcooper.blogspot.com. Ms. Feldhahn’s book can be obtained at, for example, amazon.com. Many of my quotations are from Stan Dubin’s excellent upbeat web site about marriage, marriagesuccess.com.
Douglas, your articles are always so interesting and enlightening. I too share your belief that marriage beats being single any day! I also believe that second marriages get a bad wrap which is unfair because some of the happiest marriages I have seen are in fact second marriages. These second marriages last for eternity! Many people don’t know this but Hollywood’s happiest couple, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married after Paul Newman was already married for the first time with children! Those two were made for each other!
Today I met the boy I’m gonna marry – Darlene Love
Marisa, I am glad you like my articles. I did not realize that Newman had been married before. The Newman/Woodward marriage was classic. When asked whether he had ever cheated on her, Newman replied, “Never. Why go outside for hamburger when you have steak at home.” Not quite poetic, but very pointed.
John,
Your points are well taken. I did note in my piece the very high rate of out-of-wedlock births. The book’s authors might reply that the situation is not as bad as it has been presented, and then might have to agree with you that it has been getting worse. I hope you are wrong, and I fear you are right.
As for abortion, I view it as the killing of an innocent human being, and thus share your outrage.
Cordially,
Doug
Exactly! I loved that quote! It is so nice to see how dedicated you and Tina are to each other in a world where the divorce rate is so high. I actually met Newman/Woodward briefly at a “Hole in the Wall Gang” charity event. They were so perfect together, so happy and very down to earth! I think that working on projects with your significant other/partner for the good of humankind enhances the relationship. I also love all of their food products!
My favorite movie of the two of them together=Mr. and Mrs. Bridge
Mr. & Mrs. Bridge
Loved this movie! Joanne Woodward is a Neighborhood Playhouse Alumna!
Well Doug, we have had this discussion over lunch and with your happy marriage to Tina and having just celebrated my 49th, we can certainly see the blessings it brings into our lives and to our children.
The research is optimistic but I fear not inclusive since there are events that are undermining the institution. Marriage is in a state of decline. Since 2010 the rate of cohabitation has increased by more than 500% and growing among all age and ethnic groups, especially of minorities.
Some 70% of black babies, and almost the same with Hispanics, are born out of wedlock. An increasing number of children are raised by single parents. The first choice by younger adults is cohabitation (68%)from CDC statistics.
I think that what we see in the future will be from our present destruction of religion and the pervasive exploitation of sexual freedom from the earliest age in all media.
Perhaps the pendulum will swing back but as I monitor the advice columns I see almost a complete swing from marriage discourse to cohabitants even among adults with college aged children, as well as the young. I also see an increasing number of kids less than 14 wanting to enter into sexual relationships. The freely available and Confidential birth control products and abortion services have changed our moral standards. There are more than a million abortions a year in the US and only 8000 were a result of rape, incest, or a danger to the mother.
Marisa,
I salute the Pregnancy Care Center and your involvement with them!
Doug
Through my work with the Pregnancy Care Center of New York I have learned that most abortions are requested by White Women of High Socioeconomic Status. Most minority women request their services in order to help them have the baby and raise that child as a single mother. The Pregnancy Care Center is run by a great Board and has a very dedicated staff. Famous pro-lifers include Eric Clapton, Kathy Ireland and Patricia Heaton but there are very few famous pro-lifers.
The mission of the Elinor Martin Residence for Mother & Child is to reach out with compassion to the distressed pregnant and/or parenting woman, help her deal with her concerns, and support her in the continuation of her pregnancy and the care of her child.
Vision Statement-It is our goal to nurture responsible motherhood, to empower the woman to make healthy life choices for herself and her baby. We do this by offering emotional, spiritual, and material resources including pregnancy testing, pregnancy consulting, advocacy, referrals, life skills training, and a residential program for mothers and babies that prepares them for transition to independent living.
http://emr4motherandchild.org/
Eric Clapton Tears In Heaven
“I thank the Lord there’s people out there like you”
http://youtu.be/UrOu0oc9aB4
Thank you Doug but the real heroes of that Organization are the current Board Members who work very hard and donate so much time and effort to the cause. As I was adopted and born on the Day of Roe vs. Wade, I feel a certain responsibility to uphold the values of this Pro-life organization. My birth mother had to hide me as she was a Student and from a very strict Catholic Family=I am lucky that I was born and adopted by amazing and beyond dedicated parents! The model/business mogul Kathy Ireland puts so much of her time and effort into backing this cause! She was advised to abort her last pregnancy with a down’s syndrome diagnosis and she went ahead and had the baby anyway. Turns out, the baby is 100% healthy and does not suffer from Down’s Syndrome. I greatly admire her because too few famous individuals will back old fashioned values and the Pro-Life Cause.
Supermodel Kathy Ireland uses Science and Reason to tell Mike Huckabee why she became pro-life.
Mike Huckabee is a great pro-lifer too and I love his show. I wish he would run for President again.
Marisa,
Adoption is wonderful. I just finished reading a novel, CHASING CHINA, based on actual lives, about a girl adopted at age 4 from a Chinese orphanage by a loving couple that already had three sons. Despite loving her adoptive family, she returned briefly to China as a college student to get the true story of her birth and meet her birth parents. Her story and the background material on orphans in China will deeply move you. I plan to write an article about it for asiancemagazine.com soon. Adoption has its difficulties, but it is better than the usual alternatives.
To life!
Doug
Thank you, I wish there were a lot more people, especially women to speak out for the innocent unborn babies! In addition to being anti-abortion, I am against cherry picking embryos and all of the selective activities that go on using IVF. I think that it is basically playing god when individuals select based upon the sex and/or other characteristics of the baby. I even had a friend who sent me a notification that she and her husband would be “trying again” because she was told that the baby she was carrying was a down’s syndrome child. I was appalled and couldn’t believe what I was reading!! 🙁
FOOTPRINTS SCOTT KRIPPAYNE & LISA FRIEDMAN
Doug, I cannot wait for your article. My parents actually tried to adopt a little orphan girl and her brother in China. They had to beg to survive but the Government forbade Americans at that time from taking the Children out of the Country. They got the call for me soon after and always told me how lucky I am and how much they regretted not being able to adopt those two children!. Clearly, I get my love of Asian Art and Culture from my parents.
Beijing Blues
Doug, I cannot wait for your article. My parents actually tried to adopt a little orphan girl and her brother in China. They had to beg to survive but the Government forbade Americans at that time from taking the Children out of the Country. They got the call for me soon after and always told me how lucky I am and how much they regretted not being able to adopt those two children!. Clearly, I get my love of Asian Art and Culture from my parents.
Beijing Blues
Recent study supported the old saying, “Happy wife, happy life.”
http://news.rutgers.edu/research-news/wife%E2%80%99s-happiness-more-crucial-her-husband%E2%80%99s-keeping-marriage-track-rutgers-study-finds/20140911#.VBb3KWPd-Sq
You are so right! Great article. It is of utmost importance to marry an individual who is positive and gives off happy/positive energy, otherwise it could be worse than a life sentence! That is why so many men give in all of the time even when they know it is wrong=to keep the peace! Negative energy is contagious and when you are married to someone like that it is very difficult to maintain a happy and healthy attitude!
Valuable info. Lucky me I discovered your web site by chance, and I am shocked why this twist of fate did not
happened in advance! I bookmarked it.
Marisa,
Your encouragement led me to move up my article on the truth-seeking Chinese-American adoptee, CHASING CHINA, to the next, October 2014, issue. I hope you will find it well worth reading. The novel with that name by Kay Bratt was excellent.
Doug
I truly cannot wait for Douglas Winslow Cooper’s upcoming Article about a girl adopted at age 4 from a Chinese orphanage by a loving couple that already had three sons. Despite loving her adoptive family, she returned briefly to China as a college student to get the true story of her birth and meet her birth parents. Her story and the background material on orphans in China will deeply move you. I loved the Article on Marriage for this month’s issue! 🙂
Lullaby (goodnight my angel) – Billy Joel
This is such a beautiful song! 🙂
Thank you Douglas! All of your articles are an absolute pleasure to read! It is an honor to have such a highly educated and intelligent Journalist contributing such valuable information and words of wisdom on the site! Can’t wait for the new Article and I am going to pick up that book! 🙂
Joy Luck Club
One of my all-time favorite movies! 🙂
Douglas, all of your articles are an absolute pleasure to read! It is an honor to have such a highly educated and intelligent Journalist contributing such valuable information and words of wisdom on the site! Can’t wait for the new Article and I am going to pick up that book! 🙂
Joy Luck Club One of my all-time favorite movies! 🙂
Marisa,
Your praise is particularly valued. Thank you.
I do think you will find the book valuable.
Doug
You deserve it! I tell it like it is. You are a very gifted writer and I know that I am just one of many in saying that! Your writing style reminds me of the late Dominick Dunne. Like you, he was such a gifted storyteller!
Dominick Dunne Interview
I have the utmost respect for Dominick Dunne as an Author and as a person. Justice wasn’t kind to Dominick Dunne which was literally what caused him to get into the field of writing and expressing his views! 🙂